2012 - Bienvenue!

I lived, I came, I saw of 2011.

The past is written, and a memory to be kept.

The future is unwritten,

It is uncertain,

It is unknown.

For 2012,

There is only 3 words;

Live, Love, Life.

Happy New Year, everyone.

=)

Forget, not.

Do not forget your own place,

Do not forget where you stand,

Do not forget the journey came along,

Do not forget the will within your stand.

Neither forget what was once to be,

Neither forget what was once meant so,

Neither forget what was once being thought,

Neither forget what was once a promise.

Never forget the words that made,

Never forget the soul that entwined,

Never forget the synchronization of all,

Never forget the ever after.

Will not forget the will was made,

Will not forget the given of give,

Will not forget the shall that be,

Will not forget the being of made in promise.

Shall not forget promises meant,

Shall not forget emptiness meant,

Shall not forget my place in your's,

Shall not forget your place in mine.

Do not forget what once being shared,

Do not forget what once being cared,

Do not forget what once being angered,

Do not forget what once being loved.

Do not forget, shall there be forgiveness always...

By Anonymous J.Y 

Sunday - Worst Day!

I really dislike Sunday, I mean I used to hate it a lot but recent months I got myself quite liking Sunday when there was a person you could spend time with. But now, that syndrome is back again! Sunday is really fucking killing me slowly inside. It feels like forever to be in a Sunday, everything just seems to have disappear or time passing by too slow. What the hell is going on?!?!? Sunday is a madness!

The most favourite day of the week for me is Monday, I love Monday more than anyone else could ever imagine. It is the day that starts everything, like feeling a rebirth and brand new sensation. I love Monday, so don't hate it though I know many people complain about Monday blues. Go the hell with it because you don't know how it feels to be stuck in boredom on a Sunday! I rather get busy and filled myself up with things to do. Maybe it is because I am still young, energetic and restless. So perhaps, some day I might like Sunday once again.

Life without you has been different for a Sunday, it is much more lonely than before. I can't help myself thinking that I have a day all by myself doing nothing, though I still workout and hang around at the bikeshop, yet that meant nothing because there is no companionship. I love my training, yet even on a Sunday now I do not have the mood to train! I hate this feeling, like Sunday seems to be forever, it's just not getting me right enough to live a day! Sleep, I did sleep for a long nap in the afternoon, still that made things worse by getting me feeling so dull and sober - I woke up like feeling "What the hell? It's Sunday afternoon and I'm bored." - I just wanna get busy yet I can't seem to find anything else better to do.

I got a list of what I can and would do on a Sunday:

- Training (Morning & Afternoon): Training alone gets boring!

- Nap: I could sleep all day long and still feeling bored!

- Laundry: I get them done too quickly and still I feel bored!

- Housework: Too easy and I still bored after that!

- Watch TV: TV just makes me feeling even more sober, bored!

- Online: The worst thing ever to do on a Sunday and there has been no one to chat with, bored!

- Blog: The only way to speak my heart out, not too bad!

So you see, I get bored really quick, like extremely quick. I've been through so many challenges in my life and it feels like nothing is ever more challenging, though I know there will be more challenges to come, but anyway, I'm prepared and ready to deal with it. So what else can I do????????? Shopping spree? Nothing ever to buy in Miri, other than hanging out in Starbucks and fall asleep on the couch in public. I still do hang out with my friends on a Sunday, and men's talk are nothing seriously, it's like talking over nothing and ends with nothing and nothing. Dating? Haven't really thought about it for a Sunday, so not in the idea.

I am starting to think that my Blog is my bestfriend now, in a way, because it is the only place I can speak my heart out. There is no one else in the world to listen to me, everybody is busy with their own life or so, and I am happy to all my friends who are either married or attached; you guys are blessed! But I'm feeling lucky enough that no one really reads my blog, so I say whatever I want and wish to. There're ups and downs, but most of the time I will just spill it out, or certain matters I wouldn't. Sunday huh? I guess I need to plan out my Sunday more efficiently compare to other days.

Home alone! That is the worst part now having the whole family away and leaving the house to me only! I am seriously screaming my head off like there is no tomorrow! I need to do my own laundry for 2 weeks, cook my own meals for 2 weeks, clean up the house by myself for 2 weeks, and guard the house for 2 weeks! How pathetic is this while everyone else is enjoying themselves? This is not right, taking care of the house is not challenging at all because I am being left...ALONE! Well, there's a Cat and a Dog. Oh my God, I just don't know what else to do with myself other than facing up the wall. I can't wait for my time to come to travel, I need to break free - we're soaring, we're flying! With me being left alone by everyone else, life is just so horrible - it's a fuckin' nightmare!!!

But overall, to come and think about it, there is a bright side to it. I may be bored, left alone, left with nothing, and all by myself. At least, I feel I am at peace - there is no war, no trouble, no disaster. I just feel fine, left alone in peace, very quiet, and untouchable. It feels...HARMONIC! Being alone feels like a blessed sometimes, even though it feels really boring and lonely, yet it is really peaceful like there is nothing to bother and to be disturbed about. I smiled at myself again today by the pool, and somehow I just said to myself "I'm fine, I'm just feelin' fine..." whatever that got me saying this I had no idea, it felt like saying so because I'm alone.

So I'm coming home, but there is no baby to call, there is no love to hug, no dinner ready, no cuddle to wake me up in the morning. It's just me by myself all alone, and I wish you were here, still.

Enjoy the new song on a Sunday!

Coincident?

Recently, a colleague of mine got admitted to the hospital in a manner of sudden on Thursday afternoon. I wasn't in the office that time because I was out meeting the whole day till 12am!!!!! Yes, the longest meeting I've ever had in a day! So then, on Friday I was told that he had some chest pain problem so he had to be rushed to the hospital.

He left his laptop and personal belongings in the office, which I was surprised to see. The other guys were kind enough to pack everything for him, and nothing was stolen. Then, suddenly there was a money collection envelope going around the office and to my discover that it was him, who got admitted to hospital, then grandmother had passed away. That was pretty weird because it all seemed to happen too sudden at the same time. 

So I didn't really bother to ask what's going on because I never wanna get involved in anything with anybody in a work place. It is just my policy of being so, because work is work, whatever is outside the circle of work you're nobody to me. That is just one of the way of keeping your personal relationship distant away at work, so nobody could accuse you for anything, like suck up.

Then, it came yesterday, I was just surfing Facebook as usual at home, since I had nothing more to do. Bloody hell, speaking of yesterday I woke up for nothing to go to MCOT because the engineers did not turn out, what a waste of my time! So I ended having good breakfast and a good chat at the usual place again, that made my morning beautiful.

So while I was in Facebook, I realized my colleague's girlfriend has a new boyfriend...! I was puzzled at first, really confused, stunned, eyes wide opened, and really thought if it was a joke or something. My colleague and his girlfriend have been together for over 3 years now, if I am not mistaken, she works in Shell and he works in WSB. She frequently fetched him for lunch, or some times from work, they are always seen together sweetly and happily anyway. I think at some point, they've already planned to get married. So, in her Facebook, it says she's in a relationship with a new guy. Many people commented on it because they were shocked. Then I realized my colleague and her are no longer connected in Facebook anymore, so I guess I might be able to imagine what has been going on.

I looked at my colleague's Facebook today, there were concerns on him and asked if he is fine. But obviously he's not so he commented that he's not. I didn't bother to add him because I do not add colleagues to my Facebook, so they won't know what I am up to! So after seeing what has happened to my colleague, I felt kinda sad for him as well because I have been going through the same thing as he did, except that his grandmother passed away and my aunt did not. I hope he did not do anything silly, because he is a really nice person and a smart engineer, and he deserves much better. I am not sure if I will see him in office on Monday, but I just hope that he can be strong enough to pull this through.

Now that I have learnt I am not alone facing such pain in this world, and knowing that people who serves cruelty are getting more, I am no longer afraid to walk my way in the path of the light. People can be selfish  for their own benefits, and not considering about others. But I guess these are the passer-by who will eventually teach us a lesson to be stronger and better person. They can pull a lot of pain on us, sometimes it hardly even allows us to breath, and helplessly, but they can never kill the dignity and will in us. They may think they are the most perfect kind in the world, but again, the most superior is God and only He can judge - and not you to lay your lies. There is always a playbook named Karma, if you choose to live with regrets then it is, if not then it is never too late. I forgive those who have done and said things about me, but whether you forgive yourself or not, I wish you would because it is for your own will. Do not feel guilty for your own action, for it is the choice you have made. Only to find courage in yourself to make things right, that will be the savior of yourself. Then again, those who are selfish and heartless - je n'aime pas qui vous êtes, mais vous êtes un idiot putain! Life has a choice, choose it wisely.

Last night, I was enjoying my movie not till somebody text me at late night. I have not heard anything from this girl, "J", for a long time, so I was kinda surprised to see her message. The first thing she asked is if I know some guy name "L", then I told her I do and he's a good friend of mine. The next reply she gave me was that she made out with him at the bar. I was kinda surprised she would do that, because "L" is married with two kids. Well, we all know "L" was kinda playful before and got caught red handed by his wife previously and never thought he would start cheating again. I told "J" to back off because she really needs to do so and stop seeing him, because "L's" wife get really crazy if she knows about this. I hope "J" will take my advice seriously and not crossing the line, even if she does there is nothing I can do. "L" will always be who he is, I guess we know him too well. And "J", she is in desperation for a new guy and keep asking me if I know anyone to introduce her to. I hate this, because I am not a match-making person!

But again, what's up with all the cheating going on these days? Are people too bored? I just don't get it, everybody wants to be pleased and not everybody is born to please! Is this society getting sick or what? People needs to learn to appreciate all the little things and not taking everything for granted. Everybody has a soul and heart - gotta respect if you wanna be treated the same as well. Everyone is everyone else's child and family, and it is never the right thing to hurt them badly. Overall, has everything been happening coincidentally? Maybe yes or maybe no, as far as I know, I am praying for better days and hopefully this pain and loneliness will go away some day.

Life is short, live it to the fullest and don't take it for granted. For what it's worth, it is how much you have given in to the life that is given to you. Live =)

Sometimes...

Here I am, got myself wondering about my life once more, or more than ever. Sometimes I just do not know myself anymore after all these years, and I do ask myself if this is part of life's growing cycle - I still have not found and an answer, as I have never searched. I feel that, sometimes, there are things that going around in life just shouldn't be knew. And, it is really best to have gone pass by whatever there is in life like a train, even if it means of passing by the good things. Well, I don't know what I'm saying actually so consider I am just being lost and confused.

There's been much going on lately, especially on Thursday, something just really happened out of my expectation - which I had no clues at all. I was surprised and stunned to be honest, I didn't know what to do as well, just point blank. I received 2 calls on the same day, totally unexpected - first call came in the morning and the other in the afternoon - then I met these callers for the appointment. Out of nowhere, no idea, not knowing how, I received two jobs offered for at managerial level. I was blown out of words and really didn't know what to say, because I have never applied to these companies before and not a word about wanting to work for them. And for some reason, which I do not know, the offers were 10 times better than what I have been doing. But still, at this point, I have not decided anything yet because Y.I is operating smoothly and I would like to strengthen my focus on it. Perhaps, I still have plenty of time to decide given that December is a long holiday, I have till January.

Does things actually happen out of expectation? Sometimes, I wonder. But I'll never know the answer because I would not seek for it. After all that I have been through lately, tremendous among of challenges, I am still here and good things turn out of no where.So I guess everything happens for a reason, a reason which I do not know at all. No one knows how it feels to be in my shoes, my life, my destiny - it's easier to say rather than act on it - but one needs to know by living and realizing it, and not just words. I do not find myself lucky, happy, lively or so. At this stage, I consider myself nothing and just nothing at all. I am nobody to anything that I have been, it is just me down inside here.

So what is it gonna be next? I have no idea, no plan, just nothing by myself. Sometimes, I just thought it would be better to leave life and let it aside. My soul needs a break from hell. And, it is clear that I have not been seen in a cheerful manner too. I only have yogurt drink to fill me up everyday, just no appetite to eat, and it's the only drink that makes me feel better. Training has been good and painful, I guess it is the only left for me to do to find myself back in pieces, and it does not concern the cost of it at all. I hope for nothing, and I fear for nothing - down insides, somehow, there is a courage in me to live through everything. I may not be the strongest person in the world, but at least I am human enough to make mistakes and learn the lesson.

Sometimes, I guess life is just like cycling - there is the good day then there is the bad day. On a good day, the ride goes nice and smooth. On a bad day, I could crash like I'd never imagined. Tough luck it is in my life, and I don't claim myself to be happy or so when I am still in exiled. Time will get it through a window on emptiness, only one shall find the key by the window to the vision beyond.

It is Saturday, sometimes, and it is the most favourite day of my life. Yet, I do not know what I am doing here and just wondering nothing. I guess for some reason, I am still here living for another tomorrow.

What's it gonna be? Just sometimes...

Iris

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,

Or the moment of truth in your lies,

When everything seems like the movies,

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,

Cause I don't think that they'd understand,

When everything's made to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am.

Hypocrites

Here is something that I think I shall spill, since lately somebody has been quite a hypocrite or...totally HYPOCRITE! I'm not gonna mention her name her, but probably most of my reader will know who I am talking about, and if you don't you can either just take it as a story or ask me about it. But as for you, the hypocrite, if you're reading I gotta say that you're a big disappointment to me!

What's a friend when a friend hears you out? What's a friend when a friend cares for you? And, what's a friend when a friend does not keep your secrets at all? I guess that is a friend who is a friend of another friend that has a friend's friend and able to friend for another friend. After all these years, you have always been a true friend to me since the beginning, whom I trusted and believed.

But now, all that friendship we've had seems to be falling apart. I always believed that there is something good about you, in fact you were when I just met you, but I guess over the years you have changed and I'm not the only one who says that, so as the others. But having you around for years I appreciate that you have been there for me through my hard times. Yet lately, I am so surprised that you shared something that I only told you and no one else was supposed to know.

How disappointed am I? Very! Even though I know that you're quite busybody and love knowing what others do and gossip a lot, but you've never treated me this way in the past. How could you? Well, maybe it is true that people changes and you can't expect them to be the same. Yes, not the same, but at least have some dignity for yourself so that others will respect you. All these while, everyone talks about how bad you are and it has been hard for me to listen. I still thought she always wanted to condemn you in front of me, which she did, and I had to bear it though I still believed you're not what she said.

You really mean a lot to me, my good friend. I remember all the hard times I had and you were always there for me to hear me out. But, why do you have to tell her my stuffs that I only shared to you? It's for you to keep and not for her to know, nor anyone else. I really have no idea what you're thinking, another gossips? So you can show her how good you are as a friend to her? Look, it's not making anything better because I feel bad that I trusted someone and yet that someone betrayed my trust.

I've never cheated on her, though you know how many times I tried to move on...3 times in total! You were there to help me out telling me I should really move on and let go of her, since she has already been treating me badly. But now what? You're flipping the right side of the story to her just to make her feel better about her lies...? Look, what you've done for me in the past I really appreciate them. But this, this sort of hypocrite I can't accept it – because it is making you looking like a pretender to me.

I always cared about you as well, do you know that? Even though she didn't like it, told me off and scolded me that I shouldn't care for you but her only, I still cared about you because you're a friend who means a lot to me. But right now after she has left me with all the broken words she made, then I found out she's not the only one as well. You understood me well, don't you? But yet, it seems like you only do things for others to impress them to value the friendship, even if it means to betray. This bad, ya know? I gotta tell you this because someday you're gonna be treated the same by someone else.

I mean, look, what goes around comes around, and I am pretty sure you know this well since you're a Catholic girl. You go to church every Sunday, yet from Monday till Saturday you're not living a Catholic life as you should be. You think God is gonna forgive you over and over again when you're taking his forgiveness for granted only? Read your bible and perhaps you will know more. But again, if you don't want anybody to treat you the way you did, please make a change now before it's too late. There is still time to correct yourself and be a better person. You may be a hypocrite to me now and to most people, but as a friend, still, I am here to tell you that please make a change for yourself because this is really for your own good.

She may have done something bad to me, and I let go and able to move on. But as for you, you don't have to be like her because the consequence will not be good. I pray that you will be a better person and hopefully you can wake up from it. What is she to you when she backstab you the whole time? Trust me, I know and it's not like you do not have other friends.

Take your time and think about what you've done. I am not hating you here, I just thought that you should know what you've done is wrong. Remember to forgive yourself, and only then you can make the world a better place for yourself.

A Diary of Another Day

On Saturday, I did not turn up for PBC Triathlon 2012 which was the first time that I've ever missed. I just didn't feel like competing at all, felt kinda fatigue still and wasn't really in the condition to race. My mum nagged about it when she got home to find out I was not racing and still chilling at home, I was just enjoying my Saturday morning. So I have given it a missed this year, no big deal because there is still next year anyway. Happy training ahead for me!

My Saturday went rather quiet, and decided to hang out with some friends. I went for a test drive in Volkswagen Polo, it's a really nice small car I must say. The acceleration was great, and powerful! But that got me to find out Honda has a new hybrid named Honda CR-Z, it's a sport coupe version which I think I like it very much. But too bad there is no demo car in Miri; it's either you buy it then you see it, or you don't see it at all.

But I got shocked when I received a call from my brother to know that my aunt got hospitalized, so I quickly rushed to the hospital for a visit. It looks like there are too many things going on lately, and the weight on my shoulder just get heavier and falling off. Nothing is ever easy for sure, I guess this is life and I am just living the way it should be - learning to be tougher when the tougher is trying to get you. I feel the pain in every aspect of life, but those pain really got me going to be better. So, I know I will survive because I'm a survivor.

And, guess what? I actually sang for the first time since months and months ago. It was a last minute plan actually, after dinner. I must say my singing was really bad, but her singing was the best, like the best singing I've ever heard of. She could pull that high pitch up into the air and I just went jaw dropped and "Aawwwww!" - no doubt, if she could sing for 7 hours and I bet she could sing any songs better than anyone else. Overall, it was an unforgettable Saturday night - really fun and good to chill.

I am still finding myself losing a lot weight as far as the training is concerned. It's been hard and definitely pushing myself to the wall. I know what I am going through and I just gotta get through it. If I can make it again this time, I know I can make it better. There is no giving up in the liberation of my soul, I know what's ahead and I will get what I want. I only have one goal, one dream and one destiny - it is just me, alone, taking this challenge to a step further. Pain is nothing, quitting is forever, suffer now and it will get better later.

In God's hand I trust, my faith lies in the path of my own. I've walked the path long enough to look back and say I've done it, and I will do it again in the resurrection of my freedom. Let's take this to another level, because I am born for it!

The Far Side

There is always something about the horizon, and it never feels too far away. Another cold weather today, a peaceful day I must say - so I headed out to the beach right after work for a swim. The swimmers were there too, because there is a triathlon tomorrow, which I won't be competing surprisingly for the first time. I guess I am just not really in the mood to compete, so I will just stick to my training as it is. It has been awhile since I last did a real sea swim, so I couldn't really expect how the condition would be today.

When I got to the beach, it turn out to be looking fine and slightly come. But never let the ocean's wave trick you, because from shore there is a huge difference by just looking at it. But I had the confident that the current wouldn't be too rough by looking at the pattern of the wave and tide. We went off as soon as we got stretched, and the moment I set my feet into the cold sand and sea water - that very moment - I felt I've came home to the ocean. The ocean has always been a placed I grew up with, and it never felt strange or remote to me. It always feels so warmth and comfortable to be in it, which I love it so much.

So we began to swam, as far as we could, since the weather was good. There were waves about 2 feet, not a very high swell, yet the tide was falling and rip curl was quite strong. I really had fun swimming in the ocean, especially when the high wave came, then suddenly I was getting caught in the rip curl while swimming half way through. For a moment, I was spinning around vigorously like getting twisted all around, there was no harm to me because beneath was just pure sand and no reef. While getting spin by rip curl, it felt kinda fun actually because it was totally unexpected and I was getting caught in it all of a sudden. But I was able to regain myself quickly because never ever panic if something happens, just remain calm and in control. Within moments I got myself back into swimming through my way to the 1.5km mark. I gotta say that the waves were good enough for surfing today, I was telling myself I should really have a surfboard and it is useful during a monsoon season like this - it's fun! So when we got to the 1.5km mark, we took a break just to loosen up a bit. I felt I could go further and reach the 2.5km mark, but I guess not today since I got junior swimmers with me to be taken care of. So after a few minutes of rest, we headed back to where we started then our swim will be in total of 3km.

As I swam back, I was breathing on my right most of the time so, pretty much, I was looking at the beautiful horizon of sundown. The horizon was appearing at purple-orange in color, how I wish I had a camera with me, but I couldn't carry any. While swimming and looking at the horizon, it got me feeling in the middle of the ocean and in full freedom. It feels really different to be in the ocean, because it is a whole different that you just don't feel on land. But when I turn to breathe on the left side, I could see the shore and it felt different - no freedom. It is a whole alienated world down there in the ocean, it is filled with wonders, harmony and peace. The horizon got me wondering the far side of it, though I know it is another country, yet Atlantis existed once.

The ocean is truly my home, I love being in water - I feel resurrected each time I get to swim in the freely. It is a world that has no boundary, you may go as far as you want. So we finished our swim at 3km in total, it was really a good session. The last time I swam like this was in 2007 where Jason and Nic were still around, and we would swim on every Friday. Ever since then they had transferred, no one else swam with me again, but not till now. It looks like I'm gonna do this weekly again, and it's really good training.

I love the Ocean, Poseidon is my Lord. It is Freedom that I live for, then it is Freedom that I find.

Ice Lemon Tea

Here is a little catch that I have gotten lately, it was a late night conversation I came across which I found it amusing. I always enjoy a good cold glass of ice lemon tea on a hot day, but never thought someone else would enjoy the same as well.

Thus, that is how the conversation began, which she gave even better description about it. I must say, her words really ran through my mind and throat got me feeling the luxurious refreshing sensation of Ice Lemon Tea.

So here's an accounted story of her's, using iPhone I believe;

I don’t consider myself a fan of Ice Lemon Tea. The words just came out naturally from my mouth whenever a waiter or waitress approaches me. You ask me why?

First, the name itself is easy to call for. “Ice Lemon Tea” sounds nice isn’t it? Try reading it with me. Whenever you read it, you’ll feel refreshing, sweet, healthy and even romantic. You ask, why romantic? Try reading it in a high tone. It sounds like calling your honey or darling, isn’t it?

Secondly, most people want to drink tea as a substitute for coffee. As tea itself is tasteless, instead of troubling yourself in adding sugar in it, call for “Ice Lemon Tea”. To choose a substitute drink, you might as well choose a total opposite taste of drink. Coffee is bitter and smelly, whereas “Ice Lemon Tea” is sweet and sour.

Thirdly, let’s discuss about the feeling in more details when you drink “Ice Lemon Tea”. First sip from it, you’ll go “ahhhhhh”. Second sip from it, you’ll go “double ahhhhhh”. When you reach to the 3rd sip, you’ll end up flying. How else better can you describe about another drink other than “Ice Lemon Tea”?
Lastly and the most important point for all the girls, is that “Ice Lemon Tea” is not fattening and it’s healthy.

I know I still sound like a fan of “Ice Lemon Tea” from this message. But please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not a fan. I’m an addict.

From,
The Ice Lemon Tea Addict!

There goes the Lemon addict, which is one of a healthy lifestyle I must say. She's very right about it, no doubt, and that “ahhhhh” and double “ahhhhhh” do really happen each time you take a sip out of it. That sweetness and sourness just get you in the tongue all the time, feels like life has just been lifted up by a magic portion.

Never have I thought, I would be writing about this. But the reason being is a single glass of Ice Lemon Tea does get me wonder how it reflects the life I live. Sweet? Sour? Cold? Chilling? Refreshing? Bitter? Best decribe as it is when you drink, that's how life has been running.

This got me thinking about Lemon itself as well, it's yellow, and whenever I see a Lemon it would get me smiling knowing that I got sunshine in my life just as bright as the color of it. The refreshness in Lemon does really boost up your life, it gets you to feel free and new from that refreshness. Thus, take each day as a new beginning of everything, because the only easy day was yesterday, the present day is a gift of life, tomorrow holds no worry but mystery of emptiness. There's not much to bother about what's coming ahead, because if you worry too much of the future you may miss the train that's gonna get you somewhere now.

What matters most in the present moment, knowing that you're fine and still living. Take time to appreciate everything that is going on around you, just like that every moment you take a sip of ice lemon tea which really smooth the mood. Nothing comes and go as it is, because everything happens for a reason – I will not know the reason, but as I go on in Life I will find myself living just a Life. Everything happens at any moment and anywhere, we'll never know what are the good chances or bad bad chances that are gonna past us by.

So grab every moment of now that is surrounding you, knowing that you're still fine and alive. What are the chances around you? You may have to see it yourself, then take time and realize. Knowing is never good enough, because understanding only comes from realization, and realization comes from patience, then patience comes from your inner self. We often tell everyone that we know and yet we would act differently, carelessness you call it? Not at all, appreciate the time you have around you and do realize what's going on all around, then you will be able to seek for what you search.

Ice Lemon Tea, anyone? It is a beautiful day today, and right now I am feeling refreshing than ever. What about you? Take your life for a walk, and you will find the brightness of the sun is never too far away.

Jojo - Disaster

Relationships can be a Disaster in Life...

When You're Gone...

When you're gone,
The pieces of my heart are missing you.
When you're gone,
The face I came to know is missing too.
When you're gone,
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok.
I miss you...

Slack-a-Day!

I've barely done anything today, obviously I am procrastinating whatever that's supposed to be done. It's been rainy this morning, and I had quite a good sleep last night, I guess I am feeling better for now. I got to the office as usual, and wanted to clear out my financial statement for the project's final cost. Yet, I couldn't do so because my laptop has been previously installed with Open Office and got Microsoft Office removed due to licensing matters, so everything in my file has turned into crap!

I got pissed about it so I didn't bother to do anything, and went out from the office straight at 8a.m sharp to head for breakfast. I got there earlier than my friend did, but nothing to worry because it was a rainy weather. I had a good morning breakfast of bread and milk tea in the coffee shop, and usually I spent about an hour or two in that coffee shop - what a way to slack from work! But I have almost been out from the office all day long today.

I watched her play Minesweeper today, I gotta admit that she's way too good in it. I couldn't really catch how she analysed the grid that fast, but for sure it's got something to do with really good in reading numbers. I am still struggling with my own minesweeper, but I'm not giving up so will fight till the end.

Everyone in the office is creating rumors about me joining other company, so it is kinda funny to see how people go gossip about it when my resignation has been announced. There has been many speculations on my departure from this company, everybody is trying hard to know what I will be doing next. Obviously, I am not that stupid enough to disclose everything so I keep my mouth shut and going for my holiday. These people can rumor all they want, because I don't care at all and not gonna bother anything about it.

I had a good training today, rather relax I must say because yesterday I had a hard session so today I decided to take it easy. I went out for an easy relax bike ride around the neighborhood with company, that made my evening a beautiful one. I had a very relax swim after that, and I guess I am partly prepared for the triathlon this weekend though I am still not sure if I will race.

I am feeling better today, my baby steps have been improving gradually. So I guess I am really looking towards the future. What lies ahead may be a mystery, but I know there's gotta be something good about it. Either way, good or bad, it will always be a lesson in life to be better and stronger. And, ya know what? My better is better than you better!

A Good Run

Brilliant, totally magnificent! I was feeling quite weak again today, but my training on the track turn out to be exceptionally unexpected - GOOD! I did a 45mins run for a start, with a consistent pace of 4.30mins. Then, followed by 5 sets of 800m stride at 4mins pace. I haven't done such a long training to be honest, only did it during my peak performance 2 years ago.

So today, I just felt like I need to extent my training to higher level then I will be able to improve - no pain no gain! The 45mins run turn out well, but 5 of 800m was quite hard at first yet it felt greater as the set went by. I clocked the time at around 3.30mins for every 800m, quite an effort to maintain actually. But today's training I have learned to control and pushed myself further.

I felt good after training, but I was in a desperation for energy drink so I rushed home quickly, besides I was really hungry too. Radka and Hary dropped by for their last training in Miri today, it was really nice to see them again. I had a very good conversation with both of them, Hary showed me some good supports for 2012's season. We're looking forward to meet in Germany and Czech Republic next year, it will be good to race and training again with them.

My comeback has been progressing well by far, though body is still weak, yet I am slowly gaining the strength I need for triathlon. But I am not training, I feel horribly weak and blur. I guess I need to get my heart pumping and adrenaline gushing through my body to stay alive. I think I will be ready by December, since my base training has been going well by far. Then, I will be able to resume full training in December which I am looking forward to so much!

My handphone has been giving me a huge problem lately, the battery just seem to run out really quick! It's been annoying because I would to charge it every 6 hours! My bill is very high this month, the highest I have ever used by far, it's over RM300 now! But DiGi has done a big favour by extending the credit limit. I guess it is a good thing to be a loyal customer for using the same number and service for 10 years now so every privilege is given. DiGi attended my request efficiently, though I was given choices to change the plan. But I will just wait till my Blackberry comes end of this month, then will only make a change of plan service.

It has been rather quiet today, but everything went quite well. I was in Petronas this afternoon for the final contractual meeting, and finally everything has been clarified and cleared off from my shoulder. I am a freeman! Right on the 30th November, it will be my last day in Wehaya and shall be able to leave peacefully. It has been 4 weeks since I last spoke to Boss, and today I did and bet he was surprised that I talked to him. No hard feelings, we're all employees of the industry and bound to have clashes!

I got myself busy with the phone all day long and had really good laugh. Every seconds count, and even though I was in the meeting I didn't realize I was texting all the way while having important discussions. I guess stars are in the sky even it is daylight!

Minesweeper Deal!

So, the challenge is ON! I am getting my head crack on minesweeper, finally. I gotta admit this game is tough, not an easy one to play. It's all NUMERIC! A skillful hand with numbers would definitely be a good winner for this game though. And together with that, a good memory does the best trick too.

What was I thinking taking up this challenge? I could have just accepted her offer to show me how she plays it, but on second thought I refuse. I like to learn things my own way so I get better idea and understand of it. Besides, I have plenty of time to play this puzzled-numeric-kaboom game. One week is the limit, and I am up for this challenge.

I know she is good with it because she has a high record of it, 99 mines in 120 seconds...how fast is that? It's really fast because it has taken me minutes looking for a few mines. I never really played this game, the only time I played is setting all the bombs off, print screen and copy, then retraced it back accordingly – cheating!

Number tells everything to be honest. This reminds me of how prophecies have been made base on numbers, as long as humanity have existed. This is purely natural I believe, it's like a universal code of entry to everything that you will ever want. Every number has its own definition, and when you add that up it gives you something even better.

She - CC - is good with numbers, I know, and no doubt about it. And, I'm only good with my words. I gotta admit that I am not a numeric person, rather I am just an alphabetical person. Mathematics have always been a lame subject to me, except for Algebra and Equations (because they have alphabets in it). Theories and formulas have been created by mankind itself, and I believe the control is still not so beyond from our own hands at all.

So what does your number tell you? You will find that answer within yourself, and only yourself will know. Then again, I am in desperation to get this game mastered before the challenge. I think I have nothing else better to do that is why, it's all for a good to keep myself busy for the moment.

Two more weeks and I will be home alone, dislike the fact that everyone leaves the whole house to me. I have no idea what I will be going to do, but it's definitely gonna get me crazy if I were to keep staying home alone. No choice, I can't get out of the house too often because I have to guard the house. I really wonder what I should do with it, because now that I am alone already boredom is definitely gonna kill me badly!

Feeling Light?

I weighted myself again in the morning, almost every morning, and it appears that I have been losing weight drastically lately. Before the Sarawak International Triathlon 2011, I had diarrhea and got badly dehydrated from it, my weight still remained at 73kg. But lately, it has been going down dramatically which I do not really know how this could be happening.

My current weight is only 70kg, which means I have lost 3kg lately. I gotta admit that I have not been sleeping and eating well. Could this be the contribution factor? I am not so sure, because I have been doing my training as well. I am not burning as much as I did, unlike previous full-time training I was burning fats vigorously.

Thus, my body seems to have very low fats once again. I'm losing my muscle mass too, which means I am slimming down quite fast. My appetite has been that consistent, I just couldn't eat much. There were times where I had to force myself to eat, with only a few spoon and I would be full, and drinking water makes me wanna vomit. It feels like as if my body is not accepting nutrition any longer.

I do not know why this is happening even though I am forcing myself not to be in hunger, because I still need energy in everything that I do. I used to love McD a lot, but right now even with a Double Cheeseburger places in front of me I also don't wanna take a bite. I feel like I am sick of foods, I just feel like I can't really accept foods.

This is not a good thing to be happening to me, because it has weaken my body. I only have a choice to take some glucose each day to sustain myself, yet I still need to force myself to drink. With very little sleep, I do not feel tired because I would just wake up automatically. Lately, I have only been sleeping for almost 6 hours a day on average; 1 hours during the day (or none sometimes), and 5 hours or less during the night.

I don't really feel zombiefied, I still feel driven and alive in a way. But somehow this is telling me that my body is not living in the state of the normal condition. Sometimes, I feel like my body is shutting down slowly – that feeling is just horrible. The worst comes at night where I would feel very cold, I guess this is because of very low fat in my body.

My performance in my training lately has made a huge come back. I am gaining better times and improvement gradually. I am surprised indeed, I guess I am slowly regaining my strength back and yet there is a price to pay for. I used to take 5 meals a day, because I have had high metobolism rate during active training days. And right now, I am only taking a meal or two in a day, just because my body is not accepting foods well.

I hope this is not some kinda of health issue, though what's going on in my mind has been bothering me a lot and very torturing. But I can feel that I am going through some sort of transformation, which I know, that will enhance my performance in triathlon. Though I am weighting at 70kg now, I hope I am still healthy to live my life.

I love myself, it is the only thing I have now which is myself. I'm gonna live this life to my best, and spread myself selflessly into freedom.

Bievennue, Jacques Yvez!

Try with Me for a Chance

Everybody needs a chance to love...

Another Day

This morning I totally got woken up by neighbor's chicken early in the morning. I guess the chicken went crazy somehow, just wouldn't stop cocking! So I had very little sleep to be frank about it, yet I did not really feel tired anyway. I really hope the chicken will be turn into curry dish soon, so I won't have to be awaken by them!

I got to the office very early today, despite the chicken alarm went out too early, so I got in at ab out 6.50a.m and I was too early in fact so I had to wait for the ladies to come to get the door open. I have officially sent in my resignation, so I have more or less about 2 weeks of notice left to go. I can't wait for the time to pass! By December, I will be a full-time triathlete again, how much I miss it so!

I went to the hospital this morning, out of sudden because there was a need to. Everything didn't turn out too well, out of expectation actually, so there was not much I could do. The doctor told me to come back again next week for another round. To be honest, I dislike going to the hospital alone and especially when I had to be in the ward alone waiting. That felt spooky! So let's hope everything turns out okay for next week.

I felt kinda weak in the afternoon, it happened all of a sudden again, just very weak and couldn't do much. I still went for my swim, but the water was cold and it could have been a good training for me, yet because I was feeling weak so I was really struggling to finish. I hate this feeling sometimes, as it totally disrupts my training regime. Hopefully it won't have to be like that again tomorrow, because I really need to focus in my training.

I had a funny conversation with someone just now, and got to learn a lot about what should be going on in life, instead of what is going on. But overall, I had a good time and got my mind clear off. And, it is a good choice that I have made not to get myself frustrated. Even though, the conversation did turn out slightly challenging, yet it was fun. Looking forward to more nights of entertainment at least.

Let's FOCUS!

First of all, it looks like I have a list of things to do in my life. I must never forget my priority in this. I got a company to run, Ironman 70.3 to complete, plenty of ITU triathlon to compete, Xterra to compete and qualify for Maui again, some marathons to run as well. It looks like I am scheduling myself well for 2012. These will be mine priorities to excel in my career and I believe do it way better than before.

Obviously, with that amount of challenges ahead of me, I gotta reestablish myself and gain my own strength back. I have fallen hard, but I am getting back up slowly. I am coming back stronger and better than before, the old me is gone. In this era, it is the new me now who is Fearless, Selfless and Ruthless. I got what it takes to do whatever I want, I am unstoppable. If you don't see it coming, you might miss the train.

Constantly, I'm gonna keep improving myself. There is much more to learn in Life, as I don't claim myself to be perfect. I make mistakes and so does everybody, yet mistakes will be a lesson and reminder of improvement. Nothing beats the competitiveness of a vast field filled with fearless enemy. The only guts I have are the soul of my courage getting back up to fight for my own freedom.

Unity, the strength of all within myself. To face the world and all the challenges, my soul and heart shall be together as one. Never to be apart again. They have been thrown, but not this time again. I am pulling all my strength together to reunite myself to be prepared for the challenges. I know I can and I will!

Saint, the key of all wisdom. No matter what I do, the most important thing is to have integrity for myself and respect for others. I believe in Life, you're never alone because you will always have people coming in and out of it. Some people will leave beautiful memory, where most will leave footprints, yet some may even stay with you. No one is forever alone, neither in the after life. Virtue speaks of it all, and I shall be blessed in a manner of my respect and integrity for the honor of the Gods.

An Afternoon

Just an afternoon by myself, it got me wondering about you again. The whole world now just seems to be cold, silent and lonely. I don't even know myself anymore, but just feeling helplessly lost. I just don't know what else I can do other than doing nothing, because everything has happened so sudden.

I feel weak in a way, like there is not energy to move around. Doris was saying I am still in the state of shock and it's gonna take time to recover, which I think today I feel better than yesterday. But my heart is still feeling weak, and not beating at the level where it should be.

The situation now is just plain nothing at all, that's why there is nothing I can do. I know people are saying bad things about me, which I don't even bother to fight back because I am tired of it already. But there are those who are here for me, it's really surprising me and totally unexpected.

All the while I have quite lonely, because everybody knows of my relationship and would respect the fact of my privacy. Then when the problem happened, I felt alone at first because there is not one a single person I can turn to. I didn't even dare to tell my mum about it, but to hang on to it myself. But since yesterday, I have been seeing more messages than ever and I am thankful for it, they have been the greatest support I've ever needed now.

Unexpectedly, some are merely even close friends and people that I hardly know of, yet their caring have really shown me there is still kindness in this world. There is even one person which I have been mistakenly thinking she's quite bad in a way because of her reputation. But surprisingly she turned out to be somebody who is very caring and spiritually well manner. Her words have really brought me to the thought of the bright side, and set my sorrow away. I guess it is never right to judge a book by its cover, you just gotta get to know that person yourself.

My mind is still running in the state of confusion, there has been thoughts coming in and out. Foremost, I am still missing her, which the feeling is quite torturing. I can't help the fact of what she did, and also what she had said to me with all the cruel words. The pain that I am feeling is just tremendously painful, and unbreakable. Is time the only healer? That is what they say, but I say the only better way for me to deal with it now is embracing the pain - which somehow it dos make me feel better.

I promised myself to be a better person than I was, and I promised myself to be a stronger person that I was. Most of all, for all the prayers I have done, and God has been answering me truthfully.

Pain loves Numb

Monday morning is always the most beautiful start of the week, and I hope this week will turn out to be a better week for me. Last week has been horrible living through a nightmare. What could not happened has already happened; words have fallen apart, heart has broken and shattered, tears and sorrow were the perfect couple.

I went out for my run this morning in the park, it's a cold morning for sure and surprisingly I woke up automatically around 6 without any alarm. I really had a good sleep last night, the perfect sleep without a dream, everything was pitch black. I guess Belvedere vodka really helped me out. So I did a 45mins run in the park, actually thought of doing just easy because body is still weak, yet I eventually pushed myself to the wall really hard.

The pain felt horrible during the run, but yet that took the pain in my heart away. I started to realize I have not been embracing pain all these times. Perhaps, I have been living in the comfort zone for too long. Pain suddenly just feel so sharp and could feel that the whole body is literally being stabbed. I ran as hard as I could to unleash that pain in me, release all that frustration in me, and let go of everything in me.

I think I was running faster than ever before, I could feel I was soaring across the path. It felt really fast, and I felt freedom. It was like as if I was being freed from something that has exiled me all the while. But yet, they key to that was Pain. The pain in my heart felt like nothing to the pain I had to endure during my run. That really made me realize Pain is beautiful, and it hits you hard every time in life.

It was suffering on the run, yet I was freed from sorrow. So I have learn that you just gotta embrace pain to be better, the harder it hits you the harder you get with it, eventually Pain will disappear and becomes numb.

I feel numb now, blank, empty. It feels like nothing at all, but free. Perhaps, it has been too much going on lately and my time has come. Is this how death feels like? Pain at first, then follow by emptiness. Maybe yes, maybe not. We will never know. But one thing for sure, Pain really helps to grow and be better.

I suffer now, and better days will come.

The Empty Cup

So what now? Life just suddenly feels like it will be over soon, that gets me wonder if 2012 is really end of the world. But after all, what's more important is the present, the now, that I am in and I am fine for the present being. So much has been going for the past few days, weeks, months and...a year and half. And, that's just life, full of interesting chapters over and over again.

Just over the weekend, I raced Sarawak International Triathlon 2012 and really managed to finish. I have been off from triathlon since 2010 after World Champ in 2009, and racing over the weekend was my first Olympic Distance race in 2 years now. Not much training has been done, considerably not at competitive level, only fitness wise to keep me going. Besides that I got struck by diarrhea badly 3 days prior to the race, and it really got me through hell on race day feeling so dehydrated. But still, I am proud that I finished the whole race in an unfit condition. This is really a good start for me for a comeback in 2012, full-time training will resume in December soon.

Working in WSB has kept me really busy for a year now, it has been really fun and challenging to run this Petronas' project. Though I have sacrificed off my triathlon for a career, I guess it has been the right thing to do to get my life set for a better future. At least I will not be another hopeless athlete without a promising career once retirement from sports. Engineering was never my background, but having the opportunity given by WSB to run the project I have learn much over a year; from mechanical engineering to process engineering. I must say I have picked them up really quick with all the dedication and commitment I have, really well worth it because knowledge is power. I am proud that my work is highly recognized by Petronas and having an honour to be part one of their RCFA Investigation Team, which hardly contractors are not really allowed to be involved. I gotta say that it's been a good learning path by far, though I still have much to learn and improve. Education is endless!

With so much I have done throughout the years, I am still wondering by myself. Many thoughts come true my mind, there're doubts, problems and happy thoughts, which I am fueled with to run a life. Yet, at times like this I still feel empty...I don't have much concern on focusing my goals because I know that I have been progressing well in achieving my target, but it is always the personal life part seems to trouble most.

Yeah, I gotta admit that I have a complicated personal life. It's funny how we can try to balance things in our life but when it comes to Personal Life & Career, it tends to imbalance differently. Likewise, people have once said to me if you're successful in your career then you may encounter problems in your personal life. I do believe that is true in a way because I have seen how it has affected me in the past till now. It is not about balancing because dedication and commitment are important in achieving goal. I tried hard to allocate time into my personal life but it is just never enough to do so because I am just too pre-occupied with my goals. I am seeing most of my friends having settle down and got married with kids, while I am still a...soon-to-be bachelor? Mr. Lonely?

Well, relationship has always been something really tough to have for me. It's not easy to handle because I do feel part of it has something to do with my ego. As much as I would like to have time for it, I would lose out on my targets too. This requires a partner to be supportive and able to compromise, but somehow I have not met one yet. But Syaza did, was the only one who did, which was long time ago. So yeah, I have changed much since I met Sharon but things just never workout really well for her. Lately, we've fallen apart which I don't even feel sad about it surprisingly. She has made me feeling so numbness because of what she has done making me so unappreciated. She has really cut my heart out a lot in this relationship. But...I finally took a stand to call it off, though I left in a harsh way. It was never really in my motive to quarrel with her over small matter, but that numbness she's made in me got me do so automatically. It got me asking myself why I would wanna quarrel with her over small matter for a break up. It wasn't about anger problem because I didn't even feel angry within at all. It just felt the need to unleash that numbness she's done.But she has left, which I will never ever get to really tell her the truth anymore as I know she wouldn't bother to listen.

Life is just like and empty cup, you can fill it with water or juices or any kind of drinks you favour...Starbucks? It's really a choice to be made by ourselves. I've made mind in a way for Sharon, now that I am by myself I no longer have to worry much. Another chapter of life will begin as MD soon, and return to my life as a Pro-Triathlete for 2012 season. But for now, I leave my cup empty for good...=)

Unexpected Portrait of the Past

I thrown away all the pictures of us, and I still happen to stumble across this one. Surprisingly, this picture is still around in the web which I have not seen in a long time.

I still remember this picture was taken at the swimming pool before my training. If I'm not wrong, it was her first time to actually company me to training...very memorable though.

It is funny how fast time has passed, it's been 5 years now since you've been gone. Life without you has never been the same; I miss it sometimes when I'm lonely or not being appreciated, because you were the best in me who have given it all. You have given me the greatest strength to achieve my dream.

But oh well, memory is just a past and that was the support given. You were the motivation that kept me going each time, but when December starts again I will relive that motivation you have given. By the way, I think I look thinner in this picture...so can't wait to be back in shape!

Life Rewritten

As I lay down my fingers on this keyboard, there're just too much to write about and too much goin' up in my head. Life? What is it now? Somehow, it is pretty hard for me to tell what it is exactly, but only able to find the meaning of it. And I guess, the only way to do that is to live through it.

Sometimes, don't you have that sense of something tend to blindfold your life? It's a sort of feeling that exist between both worlds I believe, it feels that way. Emotion? Just feelings maybe, but it is best felt when searching for direction. Somehow, this feeling leads the way.

And, I find myself now feeling a little uncomfortable with my surroundings. I began to ask if the world has evolved, as I wonder, or perhaps turned the other way round. There're times I am at peace and ease, yet there're times I'm caught in the middle of Titan's clashes. It is difficult to justify why and how but unknowingly it has a purpose, and that purpose is to live.

It has been days that I wonder my past, reminiscing those journeys I have walked. I wonder where to start as I'm writing this, it's a little too vast. But somehow it's gotta start somewhere, perhaps Triathlete?

The journey has been long by far, and every step has been a dream coming true. I am glad that I did not take a giant leap back then, but it has all gone gradually stages by stages. I guess I am just right on the plan of destiny. 2009 was the greatest, but it was just the beginning of everything.

Then comes this year, it has always been my wish to be a sponsored Triathlete, and somehow this has finally came true recently. Out of expectations, I kept my hope low, I didn't think so much about it, not till the numerous calls I received on sponsorships, it was overwhelmed. So I got what I wanted all along, a racing carbon roadbike with racing carbon wheelset as well, in conclusion I am geared up to the next level. And, being the only triathlete from Miri ever to be sponsored, I feel my hardwork over the years are paid off.

But somehow, I just don't feel too excited or happy about it. Instead, I feel numb and nothing special. In way, I have got what I wanted all along and now what? Moving on to the next level is one thing, but there has been something being left behind, something from years ago.

I remember it was that time on a hot afternoon, we were just chit chat like usual as we always did everyday. Her smile, I can't forget no matter how will just bounce back to me. In her soft voice, I remember well, she said "Laling, I believe you can achieve what you want. Pray to God for it and have faith, because Laling you can do it, just like Nike." and till these days this verse of her's has finally surface once again.

Her support meant so much to me back then, and it was looking forward to be with the future as well. Yet sadly, her blessings have been with me but not her by my side. It meant more than just a person who loves and cares, it was the life blessings she has given which have given me the spirit to achieve so much.

Should I be happy that I have got what I wanted all along without her? I feel it is meaningless. Without you, it no longer means anything. I lived this for us and myself, and now I live it alone by myself and no one to share my joy. Years been gone, your memory still remains and that love of your has never been forgotten yet forgiven.

My dad asked, why didn't I seem to be extremely excited and happy when I got my sponsored gears. I was speechless, I couldn't answer because I felt nothing at all. Even my dad noticed that I have been different, according to him I would be cheering around with my achievement. And, I guess I just couldn't help it to keep it quiet to myself but to no one else.

She is no longer y my side for all these years, and I have achieved much without her. Her supports and blessings have always stayed with me, and will always be I believe. Those were the strength that have been carrying me through, and no one could again give what she has given. It was truly a gift of Heaven. I know she won't be seeing what I have got, she probably doesn't wanna bother anyway. But I thank her still for all she has given.

So what is next for me is to move forward, and live along as I should. Sometimes I feel I am stuck in the past, but however those pasts serve to be lessons of my improvement. I have regained my strength slowly and gently, and I believe I will make it to even better.

Life lives, and I live. For I breath, and I walk. I see the horizon beyond, and I see the stars above. This is my life once more, and I am back even better.