Monday, February 25, 2013

Begin to End?

Why even bother to begin when you could see the ending? It is frustrating to know how much risk I would take. Am I seriously that dumb enough to fall for something that's not worth fighting for? And making myself sad in the very end.

Yeah, I can say I brought this upon myself and I'm taking the blame for it. I really hate myself for being soft hearted at times. Not that I expect anything, but whenever I treat people nicely and I just don't get appreciated.

It always happen to me no matter how many times I have been through this. I tried to be mean, brutal and heartless but that's not who I am at all. Sometimes, I feel like nobody could ever see the good side of me but only the dark side.

Yet the dark side has never taken over me. I don't know how I should say this but I hate falling outta love. It is something that I have committed to in the beginning yet it all still falls apart in the end. I guess it does really mean to say what's meant to be will always be, what's not will not be...right?

Is this destiny or fairness in this world for all of us? I pray to God for an answer. But no matter how, I know that I will survive the hard times and be a better person each time.

Perhaps it is really time to move on and neglect the past for a new beginning. It is my life that matters and I shall treasure it. Live it as I should, forgive and forget. Let fate be while I keep my faith strong for myself in this life.

Tomorrow is a new day, and everyday will be a better day. I gotta be strong and I will be. In God's will I live, and Karma will visit everyone. The journey of life is filled with wonders yet it is the choice that we make matters. 

That's all for now. God bless.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 - Bienvenue!

I lived, I came, I saw of 2011.

The past is written, and a memory to be kept.

The future is unwritten,

It is uncertain,

It is unknown.

For 2012,

There is only 3 words;

Live, Love, Life.

Happy New Year, everyone.

=)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Forget, not.

Do not forget your own place,
Do not forget where you stand,
Do not forget the journey came along,
Do not forget the will within your stand.

Neither forget what was once to be,
Neither forget what was once meant so,
Neither forget what was once being thought,
Neither forget what was once a promise.

Never forget the words that made,
Never forget the soul that entwined,
Never forget the synchronization of all,
Never forget the ever after.

Will not forget the will was made,
Will not forget the given of give,
Will not forget the shall that be,
Will not forget the being of made in promise.

Shall not forget promises meant,
Shall not forget emptiness meant,
Shall not forget my place in your's,
Shall not forget your place in mine.

Do not forget what once being shared,
Do not forget what once being cared,
Do not forget what once being angered,
Do not forget what once being loved.

Do not forget, shall there be forgiveness always...

By Anonymous J.Y 

Sunday - Worst Day!

I really dislike Sunday, I mean I used to hate it a lot but recent months I got myself quite liking Sunday when there was a person you could spend time with. But now, that syndrome is back again! Sunday is really fucking killing me slowly inside. It feels like forever to be in a Sunday, everything just seems to have disappear or time passing by too slow. What the hell is going on?!?!? Sunday is a madness!

The most favourite day of the week for me is Monday, I love Monday more than anyone else could ever imagine. It is the day that starts everything, like feeling a rebirth and brand new sensation. I love Monday, so don't hate it though I know many people complain about Monday blues. Go the hell with it because you don't know how it feels to be stuck in boredom on a Sunday! I rather get busy and filled myself up with things to do. Maybe it is because I am still young, energetic and restless. So perhaps, some day I might like Sunday once again.

Life without you has been different for a Sunday, it is much more lonely than before. I can't help myself thinking that I have a day all by myself doing nothing, though I still workout and hang around at the bikeshop, yet that meant nothing because there is no companionship. I love my training, yet even on a Sunday now I do not have the mood to train! I hate this feeling, like Sunday seems to be forever, it's just not getting me right enough to live a day! Sleep, I did sleep for a long nap in the afternoon, still that made things worse by getting me feeling so dull and sober - I woke up like feeling "What the hell? It's Sunday afternoon and I'm bored." - I just wanna get busy yet I can't seem to find anything else better to do.

I got a list of what I can and would do on a Sunday:
- Training (Morning & Afternoon): Training alone gets boring!
- Nap: I could sleep all day long and still feeling bored!
- Laundry: I get them done too quickly and still I feel bored!
- Housework: Too easy and I still bored after that!
- Watch TV: TV just makes me feeling even more sober, bored!
- Online: The worst thing ever to do on a Sunday and there has been no one to chat with, bored!
- Blog: The only way to speak my heart out, not too bad!

So you see, I get bored really quick, like extremely quick. I've been through so many challenges in my life and it feels like nothing is ever more challenging, though I know there will be more challenges to come, but anyway, I'm prepared and ready to deal with it. So what else can I do????????? Shopping spree? Nothing ever to buy in Miri, other than hanging out in Starbucks and fall asleep on the couch in public. I still do hang out with my friends on a Sunday, and men's talk are nothing seriously, it's like talking over nothing and ends with nothing and nothing. Dating? Haven't really thought about it for a Sunday, so not in the idea.

I am starting to think that my Blog is my bestfriend now, in a way, because it is the only place I can speak my heart out. There is no one else in the world to listen to me, everybody is busy with their own life or so, and I am happy to all my friends who are either married or attached; you guys are blessed! But I'm feeling lucky enough that no one really reads my blog, so I say whatever I want and wish to. There're ups and downs, but most of the time I will just spill it out, or certain matters I wouldn't. Sunday huh? I guess I need to plan out my Sunday more efficiently compare to other days.

Home alone! That is the worst part now having the whole family away and leaving the house to me only! I am seriously screaming my head off like there is no tomorrow! I need to do my own laundry for 2 weeks, cook my own meals for 2 weeks, clean up the house by myself for 2 weeks, and guard the house for 2 weeks! How pathetic is this while everyone else is enjoying themselves? This is not right, taking care of the house is not challenging at all because I am being left...ALONE! Well, there's a Cat and a Dog. Oh my God, I just don't know what else to do with myself other than facing up the wall. I can't wait for my time to come to travel, I need to break free - we're soaring, we're flying! With me being left alone by everyone else, life is just so horrible - it's a fuckin' nightmare!!!

But overall, to come and think about it, there is a bright side to it. I may be bored, left alone, left with nothing, and all by myself. At least, I feel I am at peace - there is no war, no trouble, no disaster. I just feel fine, left alone in peace, very quiet, and untouchable. It feels...HARMONIC! Being alone feels like a blessed sometimes, even though it feels really boring and lonely, yet it is really peaceful like there is nothing to bother and to be disturbed about. I smiled at myself again today by the pool, and somehow I just said to myself "I'm fine, I'm just feelin' fine..." whatever that got me saying this I had no idea, it felt like saying so because I'm alone.


So I'm coming home, but there is no baby to call, there is no love to hug, no dinner ready, no cuddle to wake me up in the morning. It's just me by myself all alone, and I wish you were here, still.

Enjoy the new song on a Sunday!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Coincident?

Recently, a colleague of mine got admitted to the hospital in a manner of sudden on Thursday afternoon. I wasn't in the office that time because I was out meeting the whole day till 12am!!!!! Yes, the longest meeting I've ever had in a day! So then, on Friday I was told that he had some chest pain problem so he had to be rushed to the hospital.

He left his laptop and personal belongings in the office, which I was surprised to see. The other guys were kind enough to pack everything for him, and nothing was stolen. Then, suddenly there was a money collection envelope going around the office and to my discover that it was him, who got admitted to hospital, then grandmother had passed away. That was pretty weird because it all seemed to happen too sudden at the same time. 

So I didn't really bother to ask what's going on because I never wanna get involved in anything with anybody in a work place. It is just my policy of being so, because work is work, whatever is outside the circle of work you're nobody to me. That is just one of the way of keeping your personal relationship distant away at work, so nobody could accuse you for anything, like suck up.

Then, it came yesterday, I was just surfing Facebook as usual at home, since I had nothing more to do. Bloody hell, speaking of yesterday I woke up for nothing to go to MCOT because the engineers did not turn out, what a waste of my time! So I ended having good breakfast and a good chat at the usual place again, that made my morning beautiful.

So while I was in Facebook, I realized my colleague's girlfriend has a new boyfriend...! I was puzzled at first, really confused, stunned, eyes wide opened, and really thought if it was a joke or something. My colleague and his girlfriend have been together for over 3 years now, if I am not mistaken, she works in Shell and he works in WSB. She frequently fetched him for lunch, or some times from work, they are always seen together sweetly and happily anyway. I think at some point, they've already planned to get married. So, in her Facebook, it says she's in a relationship with a new guy. Many people commented on it because they were shocked. Then I realized my colleague and her are no longer connected in Facebook anymore, so I guess I might be able to imagine what has been going on.

I looked at my colleague's Facebook today, there were concerns on him and asked if he is fine. But obviously he's not so he commented that he's not. I didn't bother to add him because I do not add colleagues to my Facebook, so they won't know what I am up to! So after seeing what has happened to my colleague, I felt kinda sad for him as well because I have been going through the same thing as he did, except that his grandmother passed away and my aunt did not. I hope he did not do anything silly, because he is a really nice person and a smart engineer, and he deserves much better. I am not sure if I will see him in office on Monday, but I just hope that he can be strong enough to pull this through.

Now that I have learnt I am not alone facing such pain in this world, and knowing that people who serves cruelty are getting more, I am no longer afraid to walk my way in the path of the light. People can be selfish  for their own benefits, and not considering about others. But I guess these are the passer-by who will eventually teach us a lesson to be stronger and better person. They can pull a lot of pain on us, sometimes it hardly even allows us to breath, and helplessly, but they can never kill the dignity and will in us. They may think they are the most perfect kind in the world, but again, the most superior is God and only He can judge - and not you to lay your lies. There is always a playbook named Karma, if you choose to live with regrets then it is, if not then it is never too late. I forgive those who have done and said things about me, but whether you forgive yourself or not, I wish you would because it is for your own will. Do not feel guilty for your own action, for it is the choice you have made. Only to find courage in yourself to make things right, that will be the savior of yourself. Then again, those who are selfish and heartless - je n'aime pas qui vous ĂȘtes, mais vous ĂȘtes un idiot putain! Life has a choice, choose it wisely.

Last night, I was enjoying my movie not till somebody text me at late night. I have not heard anything from this girl, "J", for a long time, so I was kinda surprised to see her message. The first thing she asked is if I know some guy name "L", then I told her I do and he's a good friend of mine. The next reply she gave me was that she made out with him at the bar. I was kinda surprised she would do that, because "L" is married with two kids. Well, we all know "L" was kinda playful before and got caught red handed by his wife previously and never thought he would start cheating again. I told "J" to back off because she really needs to do so and stop seeing him, because "L's" wife get really crazy if she knows about this. I hope "J" will take my advice seriously and not crossing the line, even if she does there is nothing I can do. "L" will always be who he is, I guess we know him too well. And "J", she is in desperation for a new guy and keep asking me if I know anyone to introduce her to. I hate this, because I am not a match-making person!

But again, what's up with all the cheating going on these days? Are people too bored? I just don't get it, everybody wants to be pleased and not everybody is born to please! Is this society getting sick or what? People needs to learn to appreciate all the little things and not taking everything for granted. Everybody has a soul and heart - gotta respect if you wanna be treated the same as well. Everyone is everyone else's child and family, and it is never the right thing to hurt them badly. Overall, has everything been happening coincidentally? Maybe yes or maybe no, as far as I know, I am praying for better days and hopefully this pain and loneliness will go away some day.

Life is short, live it to the fullest and don't take it for granted. For what it's worth, it is how much you have given in to the life that is given to you. Live =)

Friday, November 18, 2011

Sometimes...

Here I am, got myself wondering about my life once more, or more than ever. Sometimes I just do not know myself anymore after all these years, and I do ask myself if this is part of life's growing cycle - I still have not found and an answer, as I have never searched. I feel that, sometimes, there are things that going around in life just shouldn't be knew. And, it is really best to have gone pass by whatever there is in life like a train, even if it means of passing by the good things. Well, I don't know what I'm saying actually so consider I am just being lost and confused.

There's been much going on lately, especially on Thursday, something just really happened out of my expectation - which I had no clues at all. I was surprised and stunned to be honest, I didn't know what to do as well, just point blank. I received 2 calls on the same day, totally unexpected - first call came in the morning and the other in the afternoon - then I met these callers for the appointment. Out of nowhere, no idea, not knowing how, I received two jobs offered for at managerial level. I was blown out of words and really didn't know what to say, because I have never applied to these companies before and not a word about wanting to work for them. And for some reason, which I do not know, the offers were 10 times better than what I have been doing. But still, at this point, I have not decided anything yet because Y.I is operating smoothly and I would like to strengthen my focus on it. Perhaps, I still have plenty of time to decide given that December is a long holiday, I have till January.

Does things actually happen out of expectation? Sometimes, I wonder. But I'll never know the answer because I would not seek for it. After all that I have been through lately, tremendous among of challenges, I am still here and good things turn out of no where.So I guess everything happens for a reason, a reason which I do not know at all. No one knows how it feels to be in my shoes, my life, my destiny - it's easier to say rather than act on it - but one needs to know by living and realizing it, and not just words. I do not find myself lucky, happy, lively or so. At this stage, I consider myself nothing and just nothing at all. I am nobody to anything that I have been, it is just me down inside here.

So what is it gonna be next? I have no idea, no plan, just nothing by myself. Sometimes, I just thought it would be better to leave life and let it aside. My soul needs a break from hell. And, it is clear that I have not been seen in a cheerful manner too. I only have yogurt drink to fill me up everyday, just no appetite to eat, and it's the only drink that makes me feel better. Training has been good and painful, I guess it is the only left for me to do to find myself back in pieces, and it does not concern the cost of it at all. I hope for nothing, and I fear for nothing - down insides, somehow, there is a courage in me to live through everything. I may not be the strongest person in the world, but at least I am human enough to make mistakes and learn the lesson.

Sometimes, I guess life is just like cycling - there is the good day then there is the bad day. On a good day, the ride goes nice and smooth. On a bad day, I could crash like I'd never imagined. Tough luck it is in my life, and I don't claim myself to be happy or so when I am still in exiled. Time will get it through a window on emptiness, only one shall find the key by the window to the vision beyond.

It is Saturday, sometimes, and it is the most favourite day of my life. Yet, I do not know what I am doing here and just wondering nothing. I guess for some reason, I am still here living for another tomorrow.

What's it gonna be? Just sometimes...

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Iris


And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies,
When everything seems like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.