Monday Smile

Monday, a beautiful morning it is. Great weather - very breezy, beautiful sun - what a good day for a great start for a new life, with a smile.

It used to be like - steppin' ride out of my bed, gettin' myself ready for a ride. Pick my bike up, and have a start of my training for the rest of the day and week.

How I miss that life - the life of a triathlete - as true as it is, that is the soul in me. A soul that bounces through limits, soaring in the sky freely making dreams come true.

That morning ride, how I miss it so. The sun, the wind, the birds and the sight of nature are just breath-taking. It gets tough along the way, cover in pain and struggle. A struggle that gives more meaning to life - and life can be seen differently.

But all that is gone for now, for now perhaps...if not, I wouldn't be sitting here on a beautiful morning blogging my way through. That person I was seems gone already, and I just feel lost and empty at times because I couldn't see what I am now.

It feels depressing at some moment, it's hard to deal with. But I know I am living it through, just to see another gifted day. Yet, it feels hard unable to do what you're meant to be, and most of all what you're good at.

I feel my dream has been shattered, my goals have been burned to ashes, and most of all my life has been isolated. But to think about it, it is a new start for a better tomorrow because life just keeps unfolding in a new way.

A new way, can it be a promise? I can't even answer it myself, neither anyone. It dwelling it me, this unforgettable person that I was - because that's who I am, what I am.

I truly miss it...

I'm glad, in a way, I am still able to see another day and thankful to live. Life can be hard or easy, and I am taking the way it is. It is all down to me, as I don't share this often with anybody. I can only keep it to myself, as no one will choose to hear.

I do feel loneliness, and darkness...

One man standing alone, I guess that's just the way it is.

What I do now - a job - is for a better tomorrow, I know I can get this through because I am thankful for what I have now and I'll never know what's coming.

I do hope to resume the person I was someday - though it can be a painful one - but perhaps it's worth living it.

I may have hurt the person I love, as I am not the person I used to be. She will never know that depression I have right within, and she shall never know that loneliness in me.

I am happy to have her, but I am not happy that I have hurt her.

Only time will find my way back to be better, and that change is a promise - because life just keeps changing and never stayed the way it is.

With a smile I have, and a heart, I guess I am ready or was already to take the world.

...a beautiful life...

Someday, I'm gonna go. Leaving everything behind and have a soul at a resting place. Life can not be more meaningful than what you have lived - I have lived mine, and still living.

But perhaps, it might come to an end - tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, and yesterday is a memory.

My dreams are shattered, I am no longer the person I was. I tried so hard to find myself, to live the dream I have or used to have. Yet, it seems endlessly hopeless.

I am blinded, blinded by the unknown. It is confusing, that darkness is swallowing me slowly. I can feel the cold as days passing by.

It is slowly changing me, internal. It feels torturing, it seems like a challenge but yet it is too hard to take.

Does God trying to tell me something? I see the message is clear, and I need to choose. A decision is wise, yet it can be hard - confusing is slowly crawling outta my skin.

Perhaps someday, that day, I'm gonna smile and say I have lived a life - a beautiful life.

So then, let me go...

And, fulfill me...

It is the only wish I have...

So when I die, let me just die with a smile.

A Letter to Love

Dear Love,

It's been awhile since I last wrote to you; I guess I must have too busy lately, or recent life. I hope all is well in you, and all that be in peace.

Years have gone and time has passed, yet there I am still standing all along walking this Earth. Life has never been better without challenges, obstacles and hardship - it can be cruel at times, yet in the very end is where I find triumph or failure - lesson to be learn perhaps.

I must say, in what I have deep within the heart felt extraordinary exceptional. Perhaps to you, Love, I shall describe that at this very moment it feels pain, sorrow and then hollow. Surprisingly weird isn't it? As you may wonder, because to Love it is emotionally happy and filled with affection.

But deep within me, I have the affection which I have kept all the while. I tried to give it away, but it has not been accepted yet - it has been rejected instead. I do try to understand what could have gone wrong in this affection, caring, emotion and faith to such an important role of having to be accepted.

It angers me deep within, especially when the question of sincerity and honesty are the rise of the sun. But yet, promises made mean nothing more then just emptiness - so empty that it hurts from within. Is this how reality bites?

Love, I often thought respect is such an important way of life - we wish to be treated nicely, yet we shall treat others nicely too in return - as that's what it is all that goes in nature. Then again, it seems like a favor of return with expectations. Expectations of course when sincerity is given and shall be rewarded handsomely with integrity. Yet it has all been not that we all thought off...which leaves me in silence and exiled.

In an exile of silence; I was once expressive, loving and caring that I have shown towards the ones I adore. But it has all changed now, I no longer share these words and they are well kept deep within me. It is saddening isn't it? When such words have been rejected, not accepted and taken for granted in the end. I, somehow, have learn to keep and hide them well.

It is a misery, a misery that unfolds the dark-side of selfishness. But then again, in me there comes forgiveness. It is in hopeful that forgiveness for a new beginning, and leave the past a history of its own. Yet, forgiveness has led to be taken for granted.

For as long as my patience lives, my Love. I am surely I will still be faithful to this moment, the moment of love. It does harden this emotion, yet it doesn't harden the heart within. I may stay or may leave, but I know when the time comes...there will be time to make destiny a worthy journey.

The clock ticks and the sun waits for no man, I must say I am slowly learning to let go and walking away into the deep.

Love, perhaps I shall find you again in a time of its own. May you find my peace and thoughts for I will continue the legacy you have given.

In love I say, harmony and peace of fate.

Your Love,

Jacques Yvez

Rainy Days

Days have been rainy, cloudy and breezy. I must say it is one of those days that I always feel my life has been lifted up. This weather is just a nature that fills our lives with adventure, and certainly not to mention the fact that it touches our emotion...and literally transform our live.

Have you ever thought of how wonderful it is to be dripped upon by the rain? Take a minute to feel it; close your eyes, breathe slowly and gently, feel that air moving around your cheeks, it feels cold and light, and slowly a droplet of rain landed on the tip of your nose...it feels cold, and just water?

Doesn't that tell you how simple it is? You must thinking it is just rain and water, and certainly what is the big deal about it. To me, personally, it is just more that a droplet of rain, or water that falls from the sky. What it matters here is how it touches my soul and life.

I always feel energetic during rainy day, I love it, and I can't help the fact that it makes me feel so alive and full of pleasure. It is just so wonderful! Water, the main source of all lives, that grows all living things and washes away anything that comes in its way. Isn't water is beautiful? You're still puzzle, I know.

Water is pure, plain, simple and refreshing. We use water for our needs, everyday and every time. When we are dirty or feeling hot, we take a bath. When we're thirsty, we take a drink. And, when we are sinned, it washes away. Water, the simplicity of all that walks in this world, yet it is the peace of element that lies in us.

During a rainy day I, sometimes, would stand underneath it, and spread my arms welcoming million of droplets of rain onto me. It feels like I am accepting nature into my body, and let it be part of me. It makes me feel so wonderful that the rain washes away everything in me, and takes me to a new beginning. Every single little droplet lies onto me and slowly go right downward out of my body; it takes my past away with it, it takes all the sadness and sorrow away, and it cleans all the sins I have where it makes me feel brand new - a whole new person that feels wonderful knowing that I have lived another day to see another.

Life comes in very interesting ways; certain time up and down, as the cycle of life represents it all in our own reflection of our living cycle. When our lives are up, we cherish it with happiness, smile, laughter and joy, then it tosses with a drink of gratitude. Yet, when we are down we overcome our sorrow with tears in sadness, and drinks that make us to forget the pain in hope of joy. Hence, with a simple touch of water it takes our soul to a brand new beginning of every chapter in life.

And, there are times that we feel so lost; totally lost of direction, and life feels like it is filled with darkness. It feels lonely that we don't know where to turn and what we're doing - total lost of sense of life. It feels just like a lost voyage that is hopeless in search of no man's land, not knowing what its destiny is. Yet, a voyage that floats on water, and when storm comes it is covered with rain of water that shower over it.

Isn't it obvious that life is sometimes directed? Yet, we are just too blinded by ourselves to see what is good and bad around us. The ocean is huge and beneath it there is a current; an ocean current it is that circulates the life of the ocean. And yet, this is a guided key by nature itself where as a ship floats on it can be flowed into its ocean current direction naturally.

Sometimes, we just gotta stop and take a moment to think what we are doing. Stop thinking whether it is right or wrong, and what or how it can be resolved. We just need a moment of silence, feel that nature surrounding us, take time to feel it because it is right there to take you into a direction that is unseen, yet can be felt. Let your life flows like a river of water, because eventually water will find its way through the river into the ocean - an ocean of freedom and love.

Life and rain have their sharing of common representation - where it hits us in our life - yet we avoid it to think that it is part of us, because we're blinded by selfishness and desire. Life is simple and certainly blessed with joy and love - yet it is just another step to be taken by accepting what is within us. Let that rains come onto you, it does no harm for it is nature that is reaching our souls. Have no fear in life, let it comes as it is because tomorrow is a mystery - a mystery to be lived and rediscovered - and rainy days just couldn't get any better in fulfilling the wonders of life.

By Jacques Yvez

Disappointment of Sport Government Body

So, here I am writing this note instead of being in Bukit Jalil now for the Asian Games 2010 qualifying time-trial, for triathlon. But it is to a great disappointment that I am unable to attend, not because of my personal setbacks or so, but it is because Sarawak Triathlon Association (SATRIA) has refused to send any triathletes. This year is 2010 which marks the year for Asian Games, Guangzhou, China. And, it is an important year for all athletes at national level. But it now looks like I am missing my chances to attend this game.

The very reason which SATRIA's President, Dato Garfur, said that he is not in favor to send any athletes due to budget constraint. Great, budget constraint? This is not the first time they have given such reason for so many years and times already, as since 2006 till now they have given empty promises on attending races outside of Sarawak. Over and over again, the only favor I often received is great disappointment and excuses.

Last year, 2009, when I attended Dextro Energy Gold Coast ITU Triathlon World Championships in Australia, none of my trip nor fees were paid by SATRIA, TRIAM (Triathlon Association of Malaysia), MSN (Majlis Sukan Negara) or OCM (Olympic Council of Malaysia). The only obligation SATRIA took was the registration process, where as the rest such as fundings were all sponsored by Curtin University of Technology, both Australia and Sarawak Campus alone. It is understood that Triathlon is still not listed in MSN, but why so when Triathlon is already an Olympic sport and listed in OCM?

Then, when I qualified for Xterra Maui 2009 after competing in Xterra Malaysia with a rolled-down slot, I was looking forward to put my performance on another world championships again. SATRIA, again, gave an excuse saying no budget...which, I had no idea what actually happen. But, MSN Sarawak's director, Francis Nyurang, rang me up and said he would give RM1000 budget as a sponsorship to Xterra Maui, which was like just 1 week before the race in October. How much could I do with RM1000 to get to Maui? When the cost of the whole trip is above RM15,000! So fine, assuming that was another disappointment where it had been turn down as NONE of the government body could help, not even the YBs and Datuk.

Alright, when the racing season was over. I was feeling that I should not look bad on the disappointment I had in 2009, but did remember well of my achievement in ITU Triathlon World Champ which by far was the biggest dream I have ever achieved. So when I met up with SATRIA in November 2009, they promised me in 2010 I would be sent to 2 Asian ITU series here in Southeast Asia; which were OSIM Singapore ITU Triathlon Asian Premium Cup and Subic ITU Triathlon Asian Premium Cup, as these were the 2 races among the qualifying rounds to Asian Games 2010.

So, I was being very hopeful and optimistic about the qualifying rounds and trained really hard during the off-season to prepare myself well for 2010. Even ITU (International Triathlon Union) Coach, Hary Hudak, and ETU (European Triathlon Union) Champion, Radka Vodickova, of Czech Republic were in Miri for their off-season training camp where I was accepted to train with them full-time. They have prepared me well for the 2010 season through vigorous trainings of at least 8 hours a day, we were working so hard towards our goal without demanding any incentives or allowances from SATRIA or MSN. All that I wished is only to be able to attend qualifying rounds to Asian Games 2010.

TRIAM's Peter Lau was the key person who is in-charge of all triathlon affairs in Malaysia, where he made Singapore, Subic, Mekong and Port Dickson as the qualifying rounds to Asian Games 2010. Barry Lee and Shahrom Abdullah were the only triathletes who have been attending these rounds so far. But now, here comes a sudden call of NATIONAL TRIATLON TIME-TRIAL for Asian Games; which consists of an 800m Swim (Pool Swim) and 5km Run (Track Run) with a benchmarked time to be met. So what happen to those ITU Asian Premium Cup rounds? Are they still considered as qualifying rounds? And, this had made a confusion, where as Port Dickson Triathlon is no longer an ITU race.

So this morning just around 10a.m, due to my absence in the time-trial, Peter Lau gave me a call to ask where I was. Hence, I gave him an account of the story of my reason unable to attend the time-trial. Then, Peter was telling the time-trial is initiated by MSN, and further says he will see what OCM can do on my case. But I doubt it because this might be another empty words or promises.

I am truly disappointed with SATRIA; for the effort and time I have taken to progress so far, yet it is all wasted down the drain just like a rush of flash flood washes away a village. I feel I am being ignored, neglected and truly demoralized by such disappointment. I once thought I could rise and make my state proud, and my country proud. But yet, I don't seem to be recognized or appreciated. If Australian University and A.I.S are able to recognized my performance, why not Malaysia? Is it that difficult to support a triathlete? Why must my talent be wasted and disappointed? Can't I be given a fair chance to compete with others on a fair-ground?

So here I would like to ask YB Lee Kim Shin; you're an Assistant Sport Minister here in Sarawak and I am presenting this case for you to know how far back our sport has gone to. Yet, what can be done? I am not the only athlete in Sarawak that has been disappointed by far. Are you able to promise a better development and sustainability in Sarawak's sports? Talents have gone wasted, and future generation to come are already aware that sport in Sarawak is getting political and unhealthy due to unfairness judgment. So here I am asking you; what can you do for a better? I have made it this far in my triathlon and yet it doesn't seem to be recognized.

As a Sarawakian, a Miri-born and raised, a trained triathlete by American and Cezh Republic Coaches voluntarily and sincerely. The lack of support has really demoralized the value of dignity and sportsmanship in this case. I do not know if I should further continue to train and race for the state/country, but as far as my faith and sincerity is concern, the great disappointment that has been made this far is really too far to be forgiven and forgotten. And I am sorry to say if such empty promises and disappointment are to be made further on other athletes and young talents; more and more sports in Sarawak will eventually dissolved and die-off.

April's Fool

"Got'cha!" - it is what I have wanted to say actually, so finally I got it right this time. I did promise her I will not fool her on April's Fool because I adore her right out from my heart. But, what's more to say when I get really naughty at times like this on April's Fool!

No doubt, I had it all planed a week before the prank. It was hard to plan everything out at first because I had to figure everything out by myself, in order to make everything right on track. So I took my time and put her right to the test just days before April's Fool.

Here's a little thing about her, she has bad temper and tends to lose control of it at times, especially when I get on her nerves by asking various questions. She is a bit lazy in answering as well, because she doesn't like to be psycho...who does I guess? Oh well, knowing that she has been having quite a bad time from m over the weeks. I still decided to take a risk to play the biggest prank I ever did, though she might be really pissed and hating me about it...which means more hates than love on me, ooooppss baby!

So, 3 days before April's Fool it was the right time to set her on a bad mood because girls get mood swing very often and it takes days to get over it. But as for her, it was just right on the dot that she was getting some mood swing from all her assignments; which was really a great opportunity to prank her. I know it was really bad that I gotten her mood worse by putting her through a bad day, it was tough to see but for the sake of April's Fool I had to do it.

Deep inside my heart, I have always cared and loved about her all along, and would never really wanna be a dick to her. But I know with my plan for April's Fool, I could make it up to her which I did. So she went on for having mood swing by me for a couple days till April's Fool, because I was consistently acting like a moron giving her some bad times.

But the worst came on April's Fool, which was the whole idea. You know, the thing that people always say about keeping a relationship burning is where you're gonna alotta effort and time to do so, but I say it takes some guts and pathetic ideas to make things fun. So my plan was, to make her really angry on purpose and then present her a perfume as a gift in return to make things up to her...which, I bought the perfume a week before April's Fool.

On April's Fool day, we had a big fight. And, it all went down pretty well as planned because it was so dramatic though I almost lost it by almost laughing out seeing her angry like a mad. I really got onto her nerves as I have planned, I tried really hard to hold on to my laugh by hiding it with my hands acting like I was crying, which I did cry because the soap that was soaking my eyes were bloody painful.

So the whole situation was really dramatic, like a big break up or something. She was cursing and really frustrated with everything I pleaded, and I must say with days of planning it all went down pretty well. So then, when the fight was over and I sent her home for the night. But that wasn't the end yet, because I didn't get to sneak the perfume into her bag to surprise her.

Then, I drove all the way back home again and collected the perfume. I drove back to her and told that I have something to tell her, so I got my surprise gift for her in my hands and presented it to her. She was feeling really weird and no idea what was going on as well. So there I did..."GOT'CHA!", as I said it.

I know she must have felt really awkward about being so angry and knowing the truth that she got fooled for her anger on April's Fool. I should have videotaped everything down, which I couldn't get a camera. It was fun for me to catch her anger right out on purpose, and played such a prank was certainly fun but not fun for the ones got fooled. Oh well, after all the moral of the prank was to let her know temper has to be in control. Or else when you get escalated or provoked, you are just gonna walk into a troubles that you don't know if it will kill you.

I got you punk'd this time, but this joke can only be used once only. And, if you're gonna get me back next year...you're just gonna try even harder because you will never know what is coming ahead of you, baby!

Lions for Lambs!

Endless Sigh

Nothing, still, seems to be really in place yet it just seems to have gotten worse than ever. This is just so stressful at some point because I feel there is no directions and a way out. Sigh, am I just being to stressful on myself? Or just that I am too blind? All in all, there are just too many problems in me that I have to handle every single inch of it on my own. Nobody knows how tough it is to be, the price of fame and living under the spotlight is just a tremendous pressure to take. And nobody would care because I am seem so wrong and helpless. I just feel misunderstood at some point, my fault and my blame? It is just stressful.

Now that the class is gonna start on Monday, my fee still hasn't been settled yet because there is just no more options to take. My family isn't helping, study loan has got no approval yet, and not to mention that my sponsor was pissed about what happened. So I am really left so helpless and hopeless. Yes, some of you may think why not try bank loans. That is a tough one because they require a consistent income, which I do not have so this is just very impossible. I still do not know what I can do to get it solve, as I'm just trying my very best to get right. Sigh, so hard yet so close.

I was in a meeting with the Dean and University Life Manager on Thursday ago. We had to sit down and discuss the issue regarding the flight issue back in September 09; about getting a refund for the last minute booking due to the delay by the protocols and procedures. So the Dean is still trying to solve this problem to get a refund for it. It does stress me up a little because the process of the claim has been taking its time like forever since October 09. And if it does happen that they decided not to refund me, it is gonna be really tough that I have to find my own money to pay Edwin back because he was the one who helped me to get outta Perth to Brisbane when Curtin couldn't do anything. Sigh, I just hope it will turn out fine.

Besides the meeting regarding the issue, then we spoke about the EAFU program and representation of Curtin. I just felt really pressured when they speak of it because I have not got to solve my fees problem yet. Dean is very hopeful that I can do well in my study and the uni will support me academically in any way possible, I am thankful for her assurance in this matter. Yet, at the same time I just feel bad because I have not settled my fees yet. She has given the approval to continue the EAFU program where I get flexibility for my study in order to suit my training regime too. Then, there was this expectations of how my triathlon career will be this year. Sigh, so grateful yet so stressful.

At first, they thought I might fall back a little, like a retirement from it because I have already put it up to world championships last year. But I gotta be honest with them about my triathlon career plan this year, so it lighten them up somehow and that is why they have given assurance of support academically. In a way, they do have expectations from me this year, as my triathlon career has stretched another step to greater heights; with Asian Games to qualify for, hopefully Commonwealth Games too, then competing in Elite/Pro category for Xterra, and qualify for Xterra World Champs and ITU World Champs too. So this is how much I have to do this year, and they do expect me to qualify for it all for sure when they asked me what the chances are; I had to be very honest because the chances are there and high, especially with Xterra and ITU world champ. Sigh, I just hope I can make it.

My fee is still on an unstable platform because I still have not found a way out. My dad is asking me to write to Lady Boss again, which she already didn't my emails twice. I know she is ignoring me now, and I just don't feel like emailing her again because I don't find any point to push it hard when sponsors do not wish to sponsor again. My dad is telling me to do it, give it another shot, but I refuse to because I have appealed already and there was no response though dad is really hopeful she will. My dad really stress me up sometimes when he isn't helping at all, because I'm already trying to solve my problems but he's adding more pressure at the same time. Sigh, this is just so not helping.

Right, there is also this problem when I'm stressful I tend to let my frustration out on Sharon. I got no one else to talk my problems to because all my bestfriends are not around anymore, and Sharon is the closest person I got and whom I can trust only. I feel bad and guilty that I got her really upset at time like this, because I get out of control with all the problems around me. I tried to get hold of myself together, but I'm constantly on the edge of falling off from the cliff. It is tough to hang on but I just gotta hold on. I know Sharon has been mad and upset, but I know I can make it up to her when I overcome all my problems. I truly enjoy her companionship and most of all her caring, she just means so much to me and more than anything. But I hope I can pull this through so she won't have to suffer again, so do I. Sigh, so many things yet so little time.

Keepin' Faith II

As each day passes by, I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulder gets heavier, and everything seems to be more tense. I just feel so tight up and packed up with the current problems I have, and it has gotten Sharon to worry so much that she is stress out about it too. I'm just feeling so bad about myself that I got her stress out too because of my problems, I ain't liking this and feeling damn guilty about it. With my frustration goin' around crazy in me, I got it angry on her as well which got her really upset too. I'm just feel so terrible about myself at the moment because nothing seems right.

Life just seems so a little fucked up at the moment, but I know I ain't the only one in the world having problems because alotta people out there are goin' through their own hard times too. So I just gotta do whatever it takes to make it up to mine, and so Sharon won't have to worry and stressing out no more. She doesn't deserve this because she is such a great girl that she deserves much better. Though I know she really cares deep inside and I really appreciate it so much because she ain't walking away and the only one left by my side.

My family has turn their backs on me, I just feel really upset about it because when I need help they are so cold hearted that I am to be ignored and not bothered. They may have been blinded by their own desire yet they have forgotten the good deeds I have for them as a son. It is just sad, though I am not blaming because there is no point but I am just watching it in sadness and sorrow. I am really now left on my own, and all day long all I could is to give my family a fake smile because I no longer who I am to them; just a perfect stranger. Sometimes I just feel I might as well be good as dead because it doesn't mean anything anymore to be in this family.

Now that my educational fund has been used up, I got no money left to continue my degree. My sponsor ain't too happy about how the fund was used up by my dad, so I guess she has decided not to allocate another sponsorship again. Study Loan has not gotten my name on the list, so I guess it is not approved. So financially, I am on no ground to continue my degree in Finance anymore though I really wanna get a degree for a better future. So I can kick my ass back to Shell and have a better job than I used to being a Technical Assistant instead. But I guess I can't do that without a Finance degree, it is just sad.

I gotta start looking into different directions, though it is a good thing, but at some point my triathlon career feels threaten too. I have gotten so far now into triathlon where I have always wanted to be, achieving and overcoming my goals are the pride and success I have and I still have more goals to go in my triathlon career. Yet, it is all in jeopardy now because of my current financial situation. This is just too hard to take because I worked it all up so hard for this 2 years ago; I could finally got a sponsorship to go back to study and get a degree, and at the same time allowing me to achieve higher in triathlon. Yet, all this seems to come to an end. All the hard work and effort, worth giving up? In my heart I feel very intense that I don't want everything that I have worked for to go wasted.

This is really a tough decision for me to make and take, because I know once I get back to work I won't be able to train full-time like I always do now. And, that would result in a drop of performance because you gotta keep both work and sport at a balance. I have done that for those working days I had; wake up at 4am just to go for a training, take a nap at lunch break or easy training at lunch break, then back to training again after work till late night. It is exhausting and resulted declines in performance because it just drains you mentally. I don't really wanna go through that anymore, because it definitely is not an option to take.

I just do not know what else to do now, as I am trying my best to get myself together as there is just too much upsets fro my family. And people just walk away when you have problems because nobody seems to cares, but I can't blame them as it is not their problem so why would they bother to involve anyway. Yet I am glad that I have Sharon and a few close friends to support me mentally and spiritually. I am not giving up on my study yet because I just hope that I can work it out financially as there is still hope, I just gotta put more effort to it. This is another challenging time in my life, I have survived it once and I do think and know that well enough I am a survivor of crisis and I can make it again this time. We are all born with problems and we just gotta learn to deal with it.

I do wish I can get outta here, get outta Malaysia, go somewhere else and start a new life. Though I have been hoping to go to America for a new life, as I have been searching for some sport scholarships. But it's hard because I still can't find any triathlon scholarships yet and it's all offered for traditional sport. The States is a good place to start a new life, the land of opportunity. I just wanna get outta here and never look back again, ever.

Oh well, I just gotta hope for the best and do whatever I can to get my ass into degree because I ain't gonna let people watch me burn. It's my life and I do what I want with it, and the future is mine as it is right in the palm of my hands. Nobody can take away what I have, as it is in God's will. My faith lies in God and my life, that's all there is in Me.

I was supposed to be very happy yesterday, Monday. Probably would be a happy day for me as I received a confirmation email from Tengku Nadia saying I will be competing in the ELITE/PRO Category at Xterra Malaysia, this is really something happy for me because I have always trying hard for it though I didn't get to make it to Maui last year. Having this pro card means a lot to me, as it doesn't matter if I win or lose because all that matters is what I am gonna overcome with the pros in the race. It's gonna be tough but I am liking it as there is just so much more to take. But I wanna thank Xterra for giving me this opportunity, because this is really a big deal for me. But I am too troubled with all the problems I have so I am feeling really numb at some point, just seem so clueless as well. Yet, at least I do have some motivation now to keep my triathlon career goin' with the pro card given, and I will do my best for it.

Well, I hope better days do come because the rain will stops and the sky gets cleared when the sunshines. This is life, we just gotta live with it as ain't got nothing comes easily just like that. We, all humans, gotta work for it to survive in this world we know.

Keepin' Faith

It is time like this, a time on no man's land, where things do get tough...really tough! I gotta swing by myself right now, or perhaps all the while it has always been. Trouble comes and go in life, and all that we wish for is a peaceful where we could sit back and chill. Yet that ain't gonna last forever, because there's always gonna be twist and turn of faith.

And so, 2 years later my life got twisted again. Looking back for it all in the past 2 years, it was good and for real no doubt everything seem so fine. But then, 2 years ago was all the struggle I put through to have a better life. But then 2 years later, it all falls down again, when I was and where I was.

Geezz, it does feel tough and confuse. I'm tryin' to pull myself together and thinkin' right to get through all this again. I'm feeling lost at some point, like there is no directions comin' right up or anywhere to be seen. So here I am, writing whatever I have left to say from my heart.

Life does get really tough at times, especially when you have to make a decision for the best of both world; family and yourself. It's a tough split too, because it ain't gon' seem to get away. And, I just do not what to do. Yeah, people would say go with the flow and follow your heart...that works pretty well when you get hands on life easily when it's all provided.

Some might even say it's how you choose life to be or how you want it to be, but things get too perfect it always pushes you to the end of the edge where you got no more choices. That's exactly how I feel, standing on the edge waiting to fall or fly. Everybody wants to fly, because life is good when you're flying and soaring freely. Yet honestly, my heart says I should fall...take that fall and be a new man, learn from the pain and struggle through the worst because life is always easy when it was hard.

So I'm still asking myself, thinking to myself of everything that could be...I find no answers yet, because they are all lost. You know, this life that I know many people around would start telling you to make a fortune out of your life because that's how the world role. And, freedom comes with it when you got all the bucks to stack you up. But geezz...that could be so true sometimes when you're too reliable on it, because money just ain't everything. But for the fact is that's what you need to role and get a bread for a day to see another day, everybody is selfish about it because nobody gon' stand by you. So I'm taking that fall so hard that it leaves a mark on me and I'm gonna climb back on no matter how high the mountain gets.

I have walked through a journey in this life with many wonders, and they are perfect memories; so beautiful, so wonderful because they are what had made me who I am today. Yet, I guess I just gotta let go of it. It doesn't matter of what I have done and achieved; I appreciate them all, grateful about it, but things just gotta come to a stop because it is time to go. Nothing stays forever, because everything that has a beginning has an ending...and that ending is a start of something new, a rebirth.

I'm not too sure if I am gonna make the right decision because I'm still fighting hard to get through the fire, nobody wants to be burn alive as there is just so much pain and torture. But hey remember that scene in Harry Potter where the Phoenix was burn to ashes and rebirth into a whole new phoenix again? Now that's how life gets in between, there is this old one gives new one a better life and the new one just gonna leave for the old one to have a better one.

But it's all for real, it comes to a stand point in life when things just stood still and won't move; I just realized time has just stopped while I am writing this, and nothing seems to move.

So here I am taking a minute and listen to everything around me...

All that I hear is the whisper of the world, the world we live in; where we are born, and where we will die. Life takes its' hand on me, but I just gotta put right through. I love the old days, so much to miss; all the fun, the good times, ex-girlfriends, birthday parties, everything that made me who I am today...but all that gotta go. Perhaps, it is really time to take a new turn and remember the name.

Right now, I am right on the edge looking into the sky...wondering, wondering, wondering.

I do hear God who speaks to me for guidance, I appreciate it because all He has given is a blessed of love and peace.

Yet, I am still on that very edge thinking to myself...will I fly or fall?

That edge, that very edge that determines your fate. The reality just put your mask right on the ice, frozen with all the stingy pain of a million needles in the skin. Here you are wishing you have been dead an unborn to face all the cruelty given, because you feel forsaken.

Sigh, that's the only facial expression I have and nothing beats that. When I put on all the masks I have, I tend to fool everybody around me because no one the suffering beneath a gentle smile.

Life is tough now I admit, and I do wonder what to do. But all I know is with a little faith there comes hope, and with a little there comes life because everything will fall right back on place again once more.

It's funny how life is sometimes, just like a relationship, as it is like a equilibrium where you gotta keep an eye on it and make sure it balances. If not, everything's gonna fall right outta place.

I just hope I can make it through again this time, because I know I will. Life comes in challenges an obstacles, and part of me is loving it to get myself on test. Am I ready for it? Yeah, I am born ready and nothing is impossible.

2010 The New Road

Happy New Year, everyone! I know this is a very late post nevertheless 2010 is still fairly new in the month of January. I have not really spend much time writing and blogging as I have been busy networking in Facebook instead; but for now my networking has been to a greater stretch.

2009 has gone fairly quick, I hardly realize it myself as I was having a great year; lots of training, study and racing to do. I must I have been very impressed with the achievement in 2009; thank God for everything. Though there were a few struggles, yet they were valuable lessons and experiences to have been learn.

I am really happy with what I have achieved in 2009, it was perhaps the biggest in my life ever; after long 10 years in triathlon I finally made it up to world stage at Dextro Energy Gold Coast ITU Triathlon World Championships, Australia. Then unexpectedly I have also qualified to Xterra Maui World Championships. Being able to compete in both ITU and World Championships were what I have always wanted to achieve, and as it was the resolution for 2009 I have finally fulfilled a dream comes true.

As a child, I have always dream of becoming an triathlete at world stage. And, I guess having to achieve it in 2009 was clearly dreams do come true when you make it happen. I have never regretted for what I have achievement because it is an achievement of a lifetime where so much efforts and time were put into it, not to mention the sacrifices I have made for it. I really appreciate the supports from people around; sponsors, coaches and training mates, most all those who have been so caring and both mentally and spiritually supportive, you know who you are. I feel grateful to be blessed with such blessings and you can't replace anything with what you are able to achieve from our very own bare hands.

I finally graduated from Diploma of Business in 2009, it is really another achievement I have been able to pursue. I was never an A graded kid in class back in younger days, neither high school nor college. I have always been an average students because I never took the opportunity to push myself higher academically, and I failed my college studies in 2004 to be honest due to one unit which I couldn't get through, shame to say. But however, graduating from Diploma was really a big achievement because there was no failing in any units throughout the studies. I am just feeling so glad that my effort paid it off; I may seem like a guy who never studied or did any revision, but to be honest I spend large amount of time doing research and reading articles. Reading is always the key to anything, I just love to read because it helps you out so much than you can imagine and reading can take you to places you have never expected.

Love life of 2009? I think I would rather keep that as a little secret for you all to find out. It is a mystery of course, but nonetheless I am happy for my life. But the funny thing about relationships is how much it takes you to give in; the time, the commitment and the trust. I must say I may not be a very good lover as I claim myself one, but with a little faith and trust things do work out pretty well anyway. But seeing so many people having failures in relationships, so why bother to have one when you know you can't get one yet. I guess I'll just let the time flows by and DO try my very best the one that has been standing right in front and not behind.

So yes! I have made it in 2009, big head shots to all my goals and targets. Don't you just love it when you can achieve it? But I do love it yet I am not satisfied because there is always a room for improvement, always able to do better and take another step ahead to learn. This year, I am still gonna push myself even hard in triathlon, studies and career. Since I have already made it to world championships last year, this year my focus would be on getting to world championships again but to greater heights. And also, I would wanna qualify for both Commonwealth Games and Asian Games which I have been given the opportunity to qualify. This is really a great offer as living the Olympic Dreams is just really where my life is, and till that day comes is where I find my hero's welcome of the resting soul.

As for my study, I'm gonna continue with my degree and do hope for the best to get good results. I will try to be in the Dean's List, so I just gotta study even harder and can't afford to fool around. Besides, I have also thought of transferring my study to the US. I like US a lot and the education system over is really different, it is more practically important and critically pushes you to think even harder. I like to be push and challenge my skills beyond limits; US is what I need, and I do hope I can get there no doubt. I am still in the process to source out which college I can get to without any helps, it is not an easy task but I am gonna give it a try.

Career is something I have been always have as a professional triathlete, but perhaps there will be a little changes with side incomes. I just gotta find a part-time job for a side income to support myself finally in an extensive way, because relying on sponsorships is not an option where I rather finance myself without a burden. Then also to give myself a better comfortable personal life and a reserve for a better future.

Great, 2010 is looking good to me! No way than it feels better to take up challenges and step ahead with a fight. Bring it on 2010, what have you got? Because I got what it takes to live it up. Live life to the fullest and do whatever you can while you still can, because when you achieve it at the end of the day no one can take away that priceless moment of yours' and the pride and honor you have. So face it, life is full of fun...you just either gotta deal with it or get it!

by Jack Ho