Heartache

Heartache is a pain, a pain that dwells within a heart, and this pain has long been dwelling inside me. It doesn't matter how strong and how determine I am, I guess it will always be with me or within me. There never seem to be a way to walk out of this pain, because each time when I finally thought I'm free from it yet it pulls me back into it again. But yet, this is just another heartache given by family.

It has been long since they broke my heart, my heart is so broken that it's been shattered to pieces, lost pieces. But I never blame them for it, because I guess they just don't see what's inside me. I used to let them down when I was young, I never live up to their expectations as I was still young back then. Though I made through my teens, I still didn't give the expectations they demanded. My parents had dreams for me, and yet they were not my dreams, there were just another page of lists of their own to be pasted on mine. The only thing that I have always stated in my mind is my own dreams and goals, as life is short and you may not see another day. Of course, I made mistakes as I grow up as I'm only human enough to do so is because we, humans, learn through our mistakes as we are not a perfect being. Till today, I'm still learning as learning is infinite. At least, at some point it shows how unlimited learning can be because there are just too much to learn in this world, or the universe. Though I made mistakes in my life, I tried my best to make things and still trying. Yet, no matter what I do and nothing has ever seemed to satisfy my parents or my family.

Triathlon has been in me since I started racing in it, it's been fun and filled with experiences. I got really serious into triathlon of course, as it's been a passion towards achieving my goal. Throughout my career in triathlon, I've achieved achievements that I never did and never thought I could before. Even though I may not be the best in this world, but yet I've given the best in me to pursue my goal. Many times, I am glad by the supports that have given in achieving my goals and dreams by my coaches and close friends around. Yet, it is sad when you know the closest people in your life aren't there for you and still always discourage you, especially when they are the people who gave birth to you and been living with. I've always wanted the supports from my family, but yet not even once they have given me that. It is always their words of discouragement and disappointments that stabbed my heart deeply with pain. Why can't my parents and family support me and encourage me like my friends do? Just because I wasn't a champion when I was young doesn't me I would fail again. Friends around me have seen and witnessed my potentials and what I have achieved, but yet my family never had look in it. I remember I got 5th in Singapore Triathlon 2006, 7th in Sarawak 2006 and 1st in the Sarawak Closed Category, 2nd for the PBC Triathlon 2007, 2nd for the Sarawak Triathlon 2007, 4th for the PBC Duathlon Series 2007, 3rd for the Borneo 10 miles 2008, and 7th for the Labuan Cross Channel Swim 2008. I can remember all these achievements myself, and so do my friends. The only people who can't even remember or very skeptical about it are my father, mother, and brothers! I was so disappointed when they couldn't even remember though they were there to watch me race. Every single medals, certs and prizes that I got, I would always present it to them and hope they would feel proud. Yet, my father always came to me and says "You never seem to win anything and always get last in a race". I was always star struck whenever my father said that to me, but most of all it is so heart breaking. I remember that I would always come home with my medal and show it to him, then I would tell him "Dad, look I got a medal and I did it again this time". But I guess he didn't listen with his heart at all always mention I never achieved anything in triathlon. I tried to talk to my family how I got my achievement and how I have done it, but they never seem to listen to me and ignore me instead. I tried to tell them how hard it is in triathlon and how competitive this sport is, yet they never seemed to listen or pay any attention to me. I always asked my parents and my family to come see me race and watch me do my training so they can see my potentials. Why can other people see the potentials in me and give me the opportunity to prove, but yet why can't my parents do so? Why? I just don't understand why! I've been trying my best to let them understand how it is in triathlon, but yet it never went into their minds. The moment I speak of it, they would say I'm lousy and I'm not good for it. I've tried to prove it to them but yet they never appreciate what I've achieved. I've always dedicated my achievements to my family yet they never seem to know. I spent so much time to train and work hard for it, yet in the end my family can't seem to appreciate every single little effort I made. I really do feel like giving up at what I do best sometimes, because the pain just swallow me slowly and kill me mentally. Sometimes I really lose myself just because I pushed myself too much as I really wanna prove something to my parents and my family. Though I risked so much and I never blame anybody but just hope they would appreciate it in the end and realize what their son is about. My parents and family just don't really understand me at all, because I guess no matter what I do is always wrong and it's never right. They would always say I don't train much but when I asked them to come and watch me train to see it for themselves, yet they never wanted to. Friends and coaches who have seen me and been there for me when I do my training have often given me the support and courage I need, and most of all the improvements I need to surpass my performance. Sometimes I really hope someone can actually go and talk to my parents about my performance in triathlon and hopefully they would believe it. I’ve done my best trying to convince them and prove to them, in the end it is still nothing to them at all. Sometimes when I'm so tired from my training, how I wish my dad would ask me "How are you, son? How's your training? Feeling good? You can do better". No, I don't get that and not even a word of encouragement. All my parents ever knew is how to discourage me and let me down. It makes me feel so helpless sometimes that I don't what I should do to myself, I'm trying hard to achieve out of my best to communicate with them but it never seem to work because they just won't listen and sympathize my situation at all. It is just so hard for me to sit down and have a talk with them because each time when I try to tell them something or talk to them it would turn out to be an argument. That’s why I always remain quiet at home and I don’t talk to my family much about what I do outside like my studies, triathlon, and other things. Their skepticisms are too much and I just don’t understand why because others can believe me as they have seen how I performed in my studies and sport, but not my parents. I remember when I told them I got good results for my last semester's study and lecturers have asked me to apply for exemptions, yet my parents just didn't believe at all as they thought I was just joking or something and kept thinking impossible I could do it. But when I showed them my results, they just kept quiet and didn't say a word. It is because of what they have always done to me, I really feel like I wanna run away from home and just get out of that harsh and painful situation. The only person who has ever made me feels good when I was down and upset by my family is Syaza, my ex-girlfriend. She was the only who was ever they for me, because I still remember there was this night I talked to her about it I actually cried as it was just too sad for me then she gave me a hug and I felt like I still had somebody who actually care about me and support me. But of course, now I don’t have that anymore as she no longer talks to me or be by my side. I do miss her a lot sometimes because she was the only one who has ever given me the most support I needed most, she's a good girl and a really nice person. That hug she gave me, I can still feel it today as I can only remember that was the only moment that has given me the courage to live and overcome the obstacles of my life. I really miss it indeed, so much. But I definitely have no one else now because I'm just all alone by myself facing all the challenges I have to. I really do wish I can someone to talk to sometime to share something with, but I guess there is nobody other than myself.

I'm glad that I'm back in university to pursue a degree now, yet it seems to be something wrong for my family. They blame me for not supporting the family financially as I had to quit my job for my studies, and it gives them a burden. But they are not the ones who support me financially in my study; it is my sponsors who do so. I really don't understand why they have to put all the blame on me. The money that has been given to me has covered all my studies and my monthly expenses. Still, they wanna put all the blame on me as it is a burden to them financially. Besides, I have my own circle of friends and I don't have problems mixing around because I like to mix around. Yet my parents have problems with it, it's like I can't hang out with people from other races and stuffs like that. It just irritates me! I don't care whether you're Malay, Natives, Indians, Westerners, or Africans, you're all still people and it's alright to get to know people because we're just making friends around and also socialize ourselves. My parents would always tell me or order me not to mix around with people from other races because other Chinese will start looking down on me as they had already looked down on me just because I hang out with Malays. I do know people who do talk about me hanging out with people from other races and start saying I'm cheap, disgusting, dirty and no class. Come on, is Chinese the only class of people in this world??? I mean be more open minded people because it is a world that we live in. I know most people here in Miri got problems with mixing around with other races, because I have heard too many things about what other people said behind my back and to my family about me. Go ahead as I don't give a shit about what you freaks out there thinking, you might think you're something but I bet you should start take a good look at yourself if you start being a racist or a narcissist. Besides, I'm glad those people are gossiping about me at some point because they make me famous. Socialization people, don't you understand? It's not the changes that made the people; it's the people who made the changes. It doesn't seem to be anything wrong to mix around with other races or hang out with them, because we're all people! It's alright to mix around because there's no harm in doing so, but it does sound harmful for those who think they are the highest class people (WEIRDOS).

Thus, the pain is deep within me and has been long dwelling inside me. My parents' skepticisms have really been a challenge to me though. Even it hurt me mentally but somehow I still wish they would realize it and change that one day. I love my family and I thank my parents for giving birth to me, because if it wasn't them I wouldn't be achieving so many things in my life for now. They may be blind to see what's in me and they may not understand me, I just hope that they will someday. Someday that I hope God will open their heart and accept me for who I am and see what's in me. I may not be the best in this world, but I definitely have what it takes to pursue my goals. The only person in my family who is supportive enough is my little brother, Ben, though he's still young but he's the only inspiration I have left in my family. I don't blame my parents for all the things that said or how my family treated me, it's alright, because somehow I know I will still be able to prove it to them one day as that day will come. I will not give up at what I do best and my dream, my passion. It is because that's the purpose I live for, and no matter what it takes I know I'm gonna make it someday in my goals. It may be painful now, but what kills me will make me stronger and a better me.

By Jack Ho

Labuan Cross-Channel Swim 2008

It was indeed an expected race of the best would turn out on Sunday ago, very tough and challenging. I woke up at 5 am to get myself ready for the race, as during the briefing they mentioned that we had to be at the race site by 6 a.m. Then it was to our surprise that by 6:30 am the organizers haven't set up anything as they still had to give away briefing for those who did not turn out on Saturday morning, so it was a long wait indeed. Initially when I first sign up in the registration booth there were only 11 of us in the Men's Open Category, but who knew it would be 40 of us instead on the race day, it was nerve-wrecking at some point as only the best were there. I met my friend Yaap, from Brunei, and I was stunned when I saw him because I didn't expect him to be there. But it was after all to have him around, as were talking the whole morning while waiting for the race to start.

The race was schedule to start at 7 am for the Under 12's category, and 7:30 am for the 13-17's category and the 18 and above's category. When it was already 7 am, everybody was still relaxing and talking because obviously the organizers were not ready yet. So Yaap and I were saying if only we knew it would be this late we could have slept for another hour instead for wasting our time waiting here, and I didn't do my warm up not till after 7:30a.m. The weather was perfectly fine, sunny and very light breeze, but we could see the strong current moving underneath the water as there were current drift and swells. The water felt cold, really cold, when I went down for a warm up but it wasn't that salty after all so it was a perfect condition to swim in. As were ready for the swim, we still had to wait for the Datuk to flag off, so it was a long wait2. Then, the race was about to start at 8:30a.m.

Yaap and Nen Ching were standing beside me, as we were standing behind the crowd at the starting line. We didn't wanna stand on the front line because everybody would rush and run into the water like a herd of bulls. "Jack, why are we doing this?" asked Yaap, as he was feeling quite nervous and so did I. It was our first time to swim a 5.4km cross-channel swim and never had any experience in it, so we totally set our mind to "just finish it". I gave Yaap a laugh back and told him I didn't know why I was there to suffer, I really felt blank and empty that moment because the only thing in my mind was just swim. So off it went the horn, everybody rushed into the water, while a few of us took a slow walk. As I entered the water I could see many people were struggling to get out from the starting pack because it was just too crowded. So Yaap, Nen Ching and I were quite lucky to start from the back and over took them from the side. Nen Ching was the one, who sprinted away first, and I swam at my own pace and Yaap got left behind as I couldn't see him anymore. Just about 300m after the start, everybody started to spread into the channel, you could nearly see as if people were being scattered into the water. The buoys were supposed to be a guideline for us as well as the kayaks, but the buoys somehow were drifted away by the current and the kayaks were not enough to escort everybody. So I told myself, "You're on your own now, nobody is here to save you, so it's a survival mode", that somehow reminded be the Ball breaker challenge I did back in 2004 as I ran for 7 and half hours in the jungle without any help. After a 1km, I started to realize the buoys went even further and I thought I was swimming off course. But I could a kayak in front of me, about 200m away, so I started to chase the kayak. As I was chasing the kayak, 50m away from my right were 2 swimmers so that gave me an idea I was swimming in the right direction as I didn't have to lift my head forward the whole time. But it got tougher as I swam further because the current was pushing me off from the course and I didn't realize, because I couldn't see any buoys anymore. The only thing in my mind in that moment was whether I could finish or not, and I started to wonder how I could finish. But I kept going as I didn't wanna give up as I was there to finish the race. I also did tell myself how I wish Kath was there to tell me how to get a good sleep the night before the race because I didn’t have a good sleep at all. Many thoughts went through my mind as I was swimming alone. Yet I was lucky because I saw swimmer was coming up quite fast from behind and in the end I found myself a partner to tag along and pace with for the whole journey. The both of us were quite competitive as I didn't wanna let him overtake me and he didn't wanna let me overtake him, so instead of maintaining a steady pace towards the island I was somehow sprinting against this guy to the island. When I felt the wave got stronger, I lifted my head up to see there was a boat beside us and there was a camera man onboard to video us throughout the whole way to the island, thanks to the boat for the wave!!!!! As we were getting close to the island, we couldn't see where the turning point was. So the guy was asking me where the turning point was and I told him lets just swim to the shore and find out. We were not allow to rest by holding onto the buoys or the kayaks because we would be disqualified, so the only way to rest is to swim backstroke or breaststroke. But it was really nice as we were approaching the island as I could see the corals beneath me, it was beautiful. But I kept myself focus and not to be carried away by the beautiful corals as it was very tempting to dive down to touch them. So I swam to the shore, so did that guy, and we found out we were 100m away from the turning point. So we ran as fast as we could to go to the turning point and headed back into the water. As we were entering the water, that guy and I agreed to pace each other in order to swim back, so we were watching each other's back. It was so funny because whenever we realize we were going into the wrong direction, we would tap each other's back to acknowledge the right direction. We gave no time to rest as we were swimming as fast as we could to try to catch the people in front and to head back. It was really bothering when we passed by two workboats, as we hardly breathe because of the diesel fumes from the boats, it was smelly. The sun was getting hotter as I could feel my back started to feel the burning sensation, but it was that bad because the water was cool enough. Hence, we went off course again while we were not far away from the finish line as the current was getting stronger. Then I heard some kayakers were shouting to tell us we were in the wrong direction, I realized that too as I saw the buoy was far to my left. Thus, I told that guy to hurry up as he was already exhausted and could really catch up anymore. But I told him we can make him as we were really getting closer. Thus, he gave his full strength and I gave mine to sprint towards the finish point. I crossed the finish line with a smile and a heart of honor.

I felt unbelievable the moment I finished the swim, as I have never done it before. It felt great! I had to sign in just to let the judges I was out alive, and I could see I was in the top 10. I felt really happy to know as there was a lady whispering to her friend saying I got 6th, so I double check again after the shower and I got 7th out of 40 guys in the group. I felt really satisfy and most of all very relief. I have never swam such a long distance race throughout my life and yet I did it this time, I didn't expect myself to win anything but just gotta get through the challenge as that what I was born to do, the feeling of achieving in overcoming such challenge still dwells in me and it gives a drive to encounter more as I know I can do it as long as I set my mind to. I’m really that I scored a 7th placed and got an Rm300 cash prize too, felt good about it though. I told myself that I will definitely be back next year for it, and I know what to do next time. It's gonna be better, tougher, and stronger in 2009!

I Miss You

“I miss you, my dear…” said Jack with a soft voice.

When somebody appears in the mind, instantly we know we’re thinking or missing somebody. But do we really miss somebody at all? Or it is just a moment of feel or thought that passes by. People come in and out of our lives yet they just left footprints of memories in us. Thus, we started to think through the wonderful days back then and recap all the beautiful pictures and the things that we did and shared. It does feel wonderful to think of all the happiness that have passed, because somehow you would wish time has never gone forward and had hope it would stay the same forever. So that is when we started to say “I miss you”.

Honestly, it does feel really bad and terrible to miss somebody for real. The feeling in the heart is just saddened when you miss that person so much that you wish to him or her. Some requires a little patience yet you’ll be able to see him or her, but yet some may not even get to see the person they really miss. Often, we thought we miss somebody but yet it is because of the sadness we feel while missing someone then we would tell ourselves to forget it and not to suffer and endure the sadness of missing somebody, which is just a little sad because we do not wish to sadden ourselves for the sake of somebody. Hence, we start to forget and slowly the memory would just fade away. It is a good thing to miss people at times because it keeps your relationship with that person to become even stronger, and would even realize how valuable he or she means to you. It is now just the mind that thinks of the person you miss but it actually is the heart because of sincerity and heartiest modesty towards the person you really miss.

People may often tell others that they miss them verbally, but did they actually mean it? Most people would say it verbally as they are required to do so in order to make the other happy because they feel it is important to say “I miss you” even though they don’t miss at all in the heart. Yet, the person who is being missed would be very happy to hear somebody is actually missing him or her. But what that person didn’t know is the truth of not meaning what the other person has said. Hence, it would be hurt for sure to know when people actually don’t miss you but they say for the sake of saying it. It is sad to see people acting that way and treating their friends or love ones this way, because it shows how invaluable the relationship that person is. Some people, of course, actually mean a lot to some people in their own ways but yet they would really happy to know their important ones are actually missing them. Missing people is to think and wonder somebody that has meant something to you, it can be anything for sure as it is up to you to classify it. Yet, some people even cry when they miss somebody too much because they just get too emotional as the person they miss actually means a lot to them. Hence, we would be able to tell how sincere a person is when he or she is missing that particular person.

The fake ones, of course, you can by the moment they say “I miss you” without the right expression and thus feels really lame and meaningless, it can be felt in the heart indeed. But for those who actually mean it, you can tell from his or her eyes right away in the very moment they see you and would soon start with a hug or cry to tell you they miss you. Always remember, actions speak a lot louder than words. This is important to bear in mind because we do not wish to do things and carry it as a burden. It has to be with felt in heart with sincerity that feels really natural, not forcing yourself to do so. If a person does feel it’s a burden, then it would be best to be honest. Honesty may kill or hurt somebody, but the pain is short rather than lying that creates a long agony pain in the end. People do not wish to be hurt for sure but it is best to be honest with because they would feel even better rather than being cheated. Hence, it would be really meaningless to say “I miss you” without a heart.

It is important to tell your love ones or important ones you miss them, because it shows the supports and strength you give to their lives. It is not a sad thing to miss people though it feels really hard to miss somebody and not able to see them, but look on the bright side because it make the other half feel really happy when you let him or her know you miss him or her. At least that would bright them up in a way that they know they are being cared and missed, hence you would also feel as part on the importance in a relationship because of the moral supports you give in. In return, you would probably get something that will even strengthen your life knowing the other half is missing you and hence you’re not even out of somebody’s life which actually means you are important to them as well. Even if it feels hard to miss somebody and you feel it saddens you most of the time, hence you start to tell yourself to forget them because the pain is too much. Soon, this would be from “I miss you” to “I remember you” because once you stop missing that person eventually the bonds would just break and no longer attach. From an important person to a memory of a portrait of a passer by, that is even sadder when you know you’re soon to be forgotten. That is also how some relationship when they stop thinking about their love ones because they think it saddens them and perhaps even a waste of their time. Of course, it saddens you when you just keep it in the heart and not letting it out. It’s keeping a cat in the cage for ten years which it would go insane! Thus, it is always best and appropriate to be honest as there’s no harm in confessing at all. It doesn’t torture you mentally if you’re being honest and speak out, but it is more mentally and psychologically torture when you just keep it within yourself which is why some people gets really emotional and able to cry for hours or days and feel really depress.

Thus, if you are really missing somebody now go ahead and take a breath to tell them with sincerity and honesty. Let them know how much they mean to you because they are indeed a part of your life in this lifetime where as you only live once. You’ll never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, and therefore it would be great to treasure all the little things around you. Miss or miss really badly, brace yourself and let him or her know because there’s no regret in doing this, “I Miss You”.

By Jack Ho

Coming really soon..

It's already Friday today, leaving tomorrow to Labuan for the race. I'm quite excited about it because it just feel so good in the sea, I love it!

Oh well, it's been days of taper training. I've done all my assessments and are still helping others' with their assessments and assignments. I'm all free next week because it's a holiday for the whole week. But I'll get a bit busy next weekend because I'll be hosting a Bike Exhibition in Parkson for 3 days!!! Well, hope it's gonna be great!

I wanna have fun in the race this weekend!

A Tree of Courage

When a little boy was standing under a tree, he questioned himself whether it would be possible for him to climb. Little did he know a little man like him ca achieve many things at heart. As he reached the tree, he could how big and tough the tree is. Thus, when he lifted his head up to look into the beautiful leaves around the tree, which looks like world map indeed, and then he realized how tall the tree is. Yet, he was stunned by the height of the tree and he took a step back just to wonder to himself whether he could make the climb. For a second, he told himself that it would be impossible since it is a very tall tree to a little man like him. He was shaken when the wind blew across the tree with a gentle breeze, and for a moment it looked like as if the tree had challenged him to do the climb. So the boy thought to himself how on earth he could actually overcome such a challenge. In just a while, a bird flew onto on of the branches and started to whistle with joy. The boy gave a smile back as the beautiful melody of the bird delighted him. Yet, the boy was still in doubt whether he could climb the tree.

But it was to his luck that somehow stopped him from climbing the tree, as his mother alarmed for lunch so the boy headed back into the house for his meal. The boy was still very in doubts regarding the climb of the tree, so his grandfather who was sitting next to him then realized the boy was somehow seemed to be in questions. Without hesitation, the grandfather asked if he was feeling alright, yet he didn’t wanna answer at first. “Well, if there’s a problem a man should always stand on his feet and do not fall down”, said the grandfather. So somehow that phrase gave a trigger of courage to the boy to speak out for himself, the he said in doubts, “Grandpa, it seems impossible for me to climb that tree. Yet a bird did it!” So the grandfather was smiling to himself after hearing the little boy’s complain, then he looked at the little boy, his grandson, with a smile. As soon as the grandfather finished his coffee, while the little boy was still munching down the chocolate cake, he started a tale of courage and confidence to his grandson. The old man began with a question; what is impossible?

Then he began his explanation, “Impossible has come from the word possible, where possible means having the potentials to do or achieve something. Mankind has always said impossible ever since the day they were born. It is our nature to achieve and overcome goals by not limiting ourselves. When the thought of impossible appears, it is no doubt that to overcome a difficult challenge would be hard therefore it seems impossible. But of course, looks can be very deceiving in certain ways or many ways, as our minds are often tricked by what we see. The mind, of course, is a very complicated organ as far as scientists have discovered that it is very sophisticated indeed, which is why till these days many scientists are still puzzled over the brain. Thus, we are often weakened by the difficulties that we see. But how can this be as it is only been seen through the eyes yet it made us feel impossible? Obviously, this is what it seems to be the lacked of courage and confidence. It is the heart, not just the mind, in order to challenge ourselves towards difficulties. Of course, when we’re being shaken up we tend to lose our courage and confident as we are just too afraid to give it a try, by restricting our chances of possibilities and opportunity. These are nothing harsh in encountering new challenges because they are men who have courage and confidence in themselves and that have brought new discovery to the world we know today.”

“Yet, of course, courage and confidence don’t come easily as it takes time to develop and grow through mental and psychological supports and focuses on targeted goals. Many people lose their confidence whenever they encounter new challenges because they’re weakened by what they see, which they have not even try, as they did not set their minds and prepare themselves in the very beginning. Trying is very important as it allows us to know and understand. A person can be confident enough when he knows he is well prepared and able to use his skills or abilities to overcome the challenges. But of course, a man who is well prepared is usually the kind that has always been practicing at what he does best. But the mentality plays an important role as well as it requires a person to have a mind set towards its goal or target. By setting our minds to do what we want, we will be able to achieve as we set our minds to.”

“Confident in heart and in mind, courage is what that puts us a step into our challenge. Many dare devils put up a lot of courage in themselves, it is because they know for what it is worth to achieve for is something great that they will always remember by everybody for the rest of their lives; respect, honor, dignity and integrity. When a person is too afraid and feels discourage, unfortunately that person starts to limit himself and his ability for there is no learning and achievements. If we don’t try, we will never know for sure. Thus, courage is not just a key to unlock the door of fear but it is also a key towards our goal. Having courage in heart, we are able to stand on our own feet and brace ourselves to overcome difficulties. Even a man who seem to be weak but yet his courage may be strong, and perhaps he can even achieve many things that we can’t imagine somehow. Fear is only a word in the minds that stops us and restricts us, yet courage is not just a word in the heart as it is a drive that makes us to go beyond our limits. There is no harm in giving a try to overcome new challenges at all when a person starts to believe he or she can do it. It is our believe that gives us the strength we need to do so, as there is no fear and shall not be fear to stop us from reaching our goals and dreams. If you really want it, you can do it as it is only a matter of questions of yourself.”

So after the little hear his grandfather’s inspiring tale of courage and confidence, the little boy them told himself that he could climb that tree one day. Yet as time passed by, the boy had prepared himself well to climb that tree. So did he succeed? No doubt, in deed he has. It was to his pride and honor that he has reached his first goal, but there were even bigger goals in him. Of course, his goal was to climb Mount Everest, the highest mountain in the world. For what we can know for sure, believe he has in him would perhaps have assisted him in overcoming his goals and dreams of his life. Thus, faith lies in the journey of a man’s life yet is the heart that fills with courage and confidence to have a drive towards the goals and dreams.

By Jack Ho

Living in Self-Denial

Many people don't really live with honesty and modesty nowadays, there are reasons why towards this of course. Humans, we, have this instinct called fear within us. Ever since were young, we're often terrified and horrified by anything that's scary enough to make you cry for God's help. Everybody has fear; fear of insects, fear of ghosts, fear of monsters, fear of disasters, etc. So fear comes in all forms within us because it depends on how daring and how coward a person can be. So it is because of fear in something, it leads some people to live their lives in denial.

Some people think they are very charming and beautiful, just because the way they dress and with the amount of cosmetic they put on, they assume they are perfect. Of course, people dress up nicely and apply make-ups because it makes them feel confident, as what most people would say. But in actual fact, they are denying themselves because they cannot accept the original way they look. I'm not pointing towards those who live with simplicity, but it is to those who live with denials. Some girls are fat, fat as in huge body size, yet they dress in a way that we called "Horrible" because that is not what they are. My point is some big size ladies dress as if they are slim and sexy; tight clothing, short sexy skirts or pants. Imagine that, how would you feel when you see it with your own eyes? Okay, maybe they would say it makes them feel comfortable dressing that way, but, because they think they are sexy. In this case, perhaps I think she should take a good look in the mirror. People deny the actual fact just because they wanna to gain more attentions or fame. Of course, there's nothing wrong to be fat or big because it's written in the gene, nobody blames you for that. But those who deny they are fat, actually they are fat, yet they consider themselves looking very slim and sexy. But because of such denial that leads to their fantasy, it actually affects their lives mentally in a way that they lose themselves and can't be for who they are. The original self is an important key to live a wonderful life, it allows you to be psychologically normal and happy. Yet when a person starts denying the truth, it somehow converts the mentality to state where as his or her life starts to lose its texture. People claim they are not confident by the way how they look, it's because they don't fill the fit in. But what's more important to this is PERSONALITY!

The best example in drama series is Ugly Betty, I watch it too very often! Ugly Betty doesn’t look great to be honest, yet she shows how great her personality is. You don't need a super-duper great looks to gain attention or get along with people around you, but yet it is the personality that matters most. Some girls may look gorgeously beautiful, but by the instant you realize how terrible their personality and attitude are, you would run away! So after all, being yourself and bring honesty into yourself is important. It's not only to the issue about how you look, but it also applies to what you do.

So people can be very denying when it comes to certain things, even in a relationship. Some people deny they have attitude problems in a relationship, perhaps old habits or something. Yet this is the kind of arguments that revolve around men and women. Okay, it's not wrong to be yourself, but do be yourself in a positive way! Some men have alcohol problems, but they deny it because they feel alcohol is their holy water and they may say it's the only way of how men socialize, basically they are alcoholic and it's a very negative thing to do when you know alcohol is bad for health if too much is consumed. Well, men still can socialize with soda water and tea, not necessary alcohol. Thus, because of a drunk in a relationship hence the other half is deeply affected. What do men do to their love ones when they are drunk? Aggressive? Abusive? Yes, they do. It's because of this women are often led to the fear of having a relationship. Again, I would to say female species are fragile, once they are hurt they can be very suicidal. Thus, some women can be very denying when they have experienced a terrible relationship is because of fear and trying to prevent the same thing from happening again. But bear in mind, if it's often to deny certain truth about one's self in relationship, it will soon affect the relationship by creating a gap. Conversation would no longer be open because of the sensitivity of a self-denial individual, as one is afraid to face the truth. Hesitation, ignorance, and refusal are they major denying keys in a relationship, which results an argumentative relationship, lots of mouth fight and frustration in this. Thus, it is indeed a communication failure in such a way because of self-denial. Some women just do not wish to hear the truth because they afraid of encountering the problems, and hence the more problems that are not being solves the more it grows to mountains of frustrations.

We can see how vulnerable humans are, because it is planted within our nature. Yet, it is very sad to see people living with self-denial. But of course, this can be changed if one is willing to face the truth and not running away. Be brave and have the courage to face the future, and not fall back to be trapped in the past. Denying your future only makes you stay and fall back while others move on, it doesn't improve your life as it only worsen your's. We have already faced our worst fears when we were still young, but as we grow old, don't we become physically and mentally stronger than baby? Not to afraid is to take a step ahead, for it is for your own future's sake and not for others. Live up your life with honesty and integrity, for there's no regret in having your life on a greener pastures. There is no shame in being who you are as it is a God's given gift, for it is you who only have that special gift within yourself and not others. Stand for yourself to face the truth, for the truth is your true-self and it's in your own hands to fight. There is a tomorrow for the sun waits for no man, as clock only ticks forward yet there's no fallback. Hence, live life with dignity, respect and integrity…and don’t deny!

By Jack Ho

Flying Off...

3 more days to the race, it's coming so soon. I'm taking the earliest from Miri to Labuan on this Saturday, then take a ride down to the hotel and go for test swim in the sea. Then I will be ready for the swim on this Sunday.

The race is a 5.4km cross channel sea swim, it'll be a great race for sure because only the best are there. So I'm looking forward to a very competitive race, as this race is not meant for rookies! But I know I'm ready and I can do this, as this is what I've been meant to do. So it's been taper training since Monday ago, feeling a relief that there's nothing hard. So I just have to relax myself for these few days, and get ready for Sunday!

Study has been going alright for this semester, too easy!

Tagged by Karen aka Ren

Okay, I got tagged by Ren so I'm gonna do this since I'm so free.

Instructions: Remove ONE question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.

1. What are you doing?
- Just finished helping Jmee with her assignment, so now I'm gonna blog after this.

2. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you? Why?
- Kim, because she swims faster than me.
- Ryan, a very trusted man.
- Stupe, a very dtermine dude!

3. If there's something you have to say to someone, who will it be and what?
- "Mary, I'm waiting to play tennis with you!"

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
- Bora Bora

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
- Win a medal in the Olympic!

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
- Yes!

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
- My fitness I supposed.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
- Invest to make more.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
- Yeah, I would make a confession.

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
- Karen: She's cute, friendly, and adorable.

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
- Hope she knows how to play piano!!!

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
- Busybody type!

13. What is your ambition?
- Marine Biologist

14. If you have fault, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
- Point it out is the best!

15. What do you think is the most important in your life?
- Live life to the fullest!

16. Are you a shopaholic or not?
- Quite!

17. What is the thing that you really want now?
- A new race bike!

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?
- My flirtatious instinct! Lol

19. Is there anything that you have done which you regret?
- Guess so...

20. Will you afraid to tell out your age?
- No, of course not..

Tagged: Beach Bum, Shereen

Too many Girls yet it's only Me

When I look around myself, I don't feel that bad being single at all. Obviously, I'm having so much fun and crazy happenings around me. So much loves to deal with and yet I'm just keeping it the way it should. Let say from Monday till Sunday, I'm filled with schedules from study to my training, and from dinner to date, and from date to private intimacy. How much more can I ask for? I guess the more I'm enjoying it, it is the more I get.

I'm not complaining how lame my life is in actual fact, because all the while it's been a Casanova’s legacy. It doesn't feel that bad being a Casanova after all, it's really about learning what's more to life and getting what my desires are. I'm doing what I want, and I'm living the want it to be, as it should be the way it is. So, with having so many girls and yet so little time, the world seems like even a smaller place to me. But yet, it is just so much fun that I have and I'm just enjoying it while I can. It's not bad to go dating at all, because dating a girl doesn't mean you have to like her. Dating is just a key to understand each other more and see how far both can click along with. It is just as easy as that, but yet people take dating as a serious matter as if somebody is getting married the next day. Besides, dating has also been seen as some kinda demonic ways of finding the right partner to certain people. It is weird indeed that people would think in such a way that it is very funny to me after all. But yet, the whole idea of dating is basically to search or get a new partner, or just have fun like I do.

Having so many girls to date, I've came to a point where my dating list is totally out. Or I should just say, I'm totally outta date! It sounds kinda weird, but this is true because when I go through my list and I don't seem to have anyone else to date. After all the dates I've been out with, we're all still in good contact and yet still constantly dating. It's really alright to date while you're still single, because nobody can accuse you for fooling around a relationship, obviously and clearly single is single with freedom. From Monday till Sunday, I've got countless dates and for me it's always the same thing as Miri is such a small place. Yet, girls do go through different kinds of experiences as girls are easily amused and entertained in certain ways (which is a secret). So after so many dates I've had, and I haven't made my decision in settling down to one partner yet, because I'm still doing what a Casanova does best. I know some girls hate me after they found out something, but sorry and needless to say I'm single and I'm not your boyfriend so I still have my rights and freedom to date whoever I wish to. Some girls may act really weird because once you have dated them they think you like them a lot and have love for them. Let me emphasize this, LOVE and LIKE are two big huge gigantic different matters!!!! Like is where you just having a crush on as where it can be easily forgot and let go. Where as Love is where you put that very right person into your heart and treasure it for the rest of your life, and love is only a feeling that can be felt with a kiss, eye contact, a hug, sex, touch, and even dinner! That's how powerful love is, sometimes for some people. So don't ever get Like and Love wrong, because it is very wrong and absurd. But yet, people get it really wrong most of the times, especially those who are under 21. That's alright, as probably we all know what their mentality is.

Sometimes dating can also be classified as a form of sparing "free-time", I feel free everyday and I got nothing better to do so I date. Thus, dating keeps me company and entertains. I always enjoy the conversation I have with my dates, as it is very lively and interesting whenever a girl speaks out her mind and her heart. I love hearing what a girl has to say just about anything. Of course they were certain times they get very nasty of course, which I keep as an open minded conversation. Be ware, some people may not as open minded as you think so it is always best to let them open up their conversation. Whenever a girl speaks out her mind and heart, and sometimes her soul, it really touched me and inspired in some ways. But most importantly, it allows me to comprehend them even more. But of course, as I dig deeper, sometimes, it turn out to be a big turn off and that's the kinda of girls that I do not date for the second time. Yes, I've dated a few girls that I do not date for the second time. But for those that I have dated over and over again, it is just so much fun to have with and enjoy every single moment of the dates together. It's not so much of the question about sex in a date but there hasn't been such principle in my dating philosophy. But plenty of guys do expect a first night on a first date, which is just too absurd and awkward. But of course if the guy is dating a whore or a prostitute than I have no say. Girls are fragile being, and lovely ones of course, so they have to be well taken care of and treasure with hearts. Thus, don't just take a girl as thrash because they have dignity and values.

I like to date girls who have attitude, dignity and respect for themselves. It is very wise to have them for all kinds of occasions. Especially girls who are good in piano, I love to date them because they tend to have elegance kind of attitude and they might even play you a song on a date. I've dated a girl once who was a very good pianist, and it was great when she played me a song. I could feel the sentimental lovely melody right out from her heart, it was brilliant. But it is indeed very hard to find a girl with a good piano background. I've dated too many girls and I'm not gonna expose all of them for sure, because it is not wise to do so. The sweet memories I had with all my dates were really precious and wonderful, it feels even better than a relationship sometimes. My friends do ask me questions on how do I handle so many girls at one time. It was my good buddies Eugene and Gilbert who pointed out this very good question, and my answer was "You just gotta keep them outta sight." with a grin.

Yet, it is not wrong for a single man to date because he is not attached to any girls at all. Sincerity somebody mention? Let me just say when you have a crush on somebody, it is just a crush and a like because obviously there's not love bonds connected to each other. So in my case, too many girls I like yet I have no intention in getting a girlfriend yet because it is too early for me to settle down. A friend of mine, Judy, has just mentioned "Why commit when you're not even ready, so you might as well do what you want". She was very right, and I have no regrets for being a Casanova. It's just fun and feel with freedom, yet I enjoy most of my dates' with respect and integrity. For those who read this and might feel offended, please don't get me wrong because you're as lovely as I thought.

-hugs-

By Jack Ho

Totally in Love

I'm so totally in love...

So in love...

Really in love...

Extremely in love...

Well, I'm just totally in love with Japanese songs because their musics are so great!!! Namie Amuro, Yui, Angela Aki, Hitomi, Ayaka, Exile and Utada Hikaru are my favourites. I've been listening to them alot these days, just can't take my ears off their musics. It's really wonderful and joyful, though I don't know the meaning of the songs but the music definitely sound great!

I love Japanese music!

Just...

Just when I'm about to blog again, my lecturer just came into the class with the test paper.

Oh well, just guess I'll continue once I'm done with it.

I start to feel bored!!!!

How "special" is your "somebody"?

Kath called me up on Sunday night and had a long chat with me. Then we came to a topic regarding relationship, and about individuals in a relationship. So the big question was; how special is your somebody? What does it actually mean to you?

Kath is a psychologist, so she actually gave me some questions that were very impressive as I had to answer it out from my heart. At some point, I've always been very careful when a psychologist ask questions because they'll know when you’re lying.

When Kath gave me the question, how special? I actually felt blank as I couldn't answer instantly, yet it took me a few seconds later to come with the answer. As so, I still felt very uncertain with my answer. So how special is that person? Then, the only think I could think of and felt from my heart was simply just somebody I could share my life with for the rest of my life. But that was the somebody I wanna be happy with, and still back to the question about how special should she be? Well, as long as she's the person in my heart then she will always remain special because my heart has only a room for one. Thus, I kept questioning myself about what type of girls would actually mean special to me? Is it the type that I feel happy with? Or the type that suits my desire? Or the type that I demand for? So it is indeed in a matter of questions of happiness, desire and demand.

Some people's special person is just a fantasy, some is just a passer by, or some even is just nothing. Is that someone special really worth a dime? And worth sacrificing and dying for? Is that how special someone should be? Or that someone special should just be somebody we can tag along with?

After a long thought, then I started to look back into my past 2 relationships, which were failures. My first girlfriend was back in 2004 and it only lasted for a year and a half. Why did I like her? Or why did I choose her? Or even fell in love her? Back then, she was my someone special is because of...I couldn't answer because I couldn't think of anything special about her and the relationship was a disaster obviously. So then I turn my thought to my second girlfriend, which our relationship just ended 11 months ago. So why did I fall in love for her? And why was she my special one? This, I can give a long answer, girl was my perfect someone. It's the "chemistry" that we felt when we first met. I couldn't explain the feelings that I felt for her because the moment I saw her I had this bond quickly attached to her like a virus. She was somebody that I clicked with right away, and every single moment of our lives together we felt happy. Of course, there were down times but yet it all resolved in a proper and positive manner. That relationship has really shown me on how special that someone can be; unique and godly in its own way. It wasn't just happiness that we both shared throughout our lives together in the relationship, but it was the joy and blessings that we both had. And we constantly gave each other supports and caring for one another, and then at times we spoke of our thoughts to let each other understand more. Thus, that relationship was really a learning process for me to know how special that someone should be. But of course, my relationship failed and most people know why.

So at the in end of my thought, I started to realize someone special doesn't have to be perfect or 100% beautiful. It is the heart that matters most actually. Many people have different strokes in defining their own special one, but yet in the final conclusion it would still be the heart that matters. It is the chemistry, the bond, the feelings, and the passion for each other. It is something that you can't see or touch, yet it can only be felt through the hearts. Maybe some people might say, "My special someone is Cinderella" or even "my special someone is Tom Cruise", but yet it is still up to an individual on how their special someone is in his or her own way.

But deep in mine, that someone special is...Unique!

By Jack Ho

[Passion² + π(Dream)/℮∫Goal⅔] x √Faith³ = Lifeª

[Passion² + π(Dream)/℮∫Goal⅔] x √Faith³ = Lifeª

This is an equation, and what do you see?

Obviously, I think most people would say the 5 words appeared in the equation and start to wonder. Of course, what I'm trying to say is in life we live with these words buried in our heart and mind. Every human has a brain to think and visualize their lives, and desire. What do they desire? Or visualize? It is obviously of what they wanna do in their lives. It can be many forms of doing, dreams or goals. It is very basically what we wanna achieve and satisfy our living to a meaningful state; some for fame, some for courage, some for pride, and so on. But no matter what, we would always be proud of what we have achieved and not just done.

Done is nothing when it has not been done according to your plan, nor it is what you want. We have done many things in life, yet are we satisfied? or do we just say "it's enough, and I'm backing off!"? Some people, just when they thought they have done it but actually they have not because they have not achieved it, and that is only where it has just begun. Is this what you called "Simple Minded"? In my opinion, it is not, because according to my understanding certain people have very low expectations among themselves. And of course, some have very high. Little achievement in them can be seen as a big success in life. So the bottom line is when one has dreamed, or goal, it is up to an individual to push it up to the level as he/she desires or demands. Besides, most people have ethical values and dignity in themselves. Thus, Pride or Fame is what defines them when they score a goal.

Here's a solid example about myself in my very own experience. When I first did a triathlon, I was only 16 back then. I totally had no idea how a triathlon race could be, because it is a very tough sport. I took it up as I wanted to do it, back then the only thing I could tell myself was I could finish the race. In the end, I finished the race and felt great about it because I've never done something that tough throughout my life, but I was only 16. So since then, triathlon has always been a part of me. After my first race, I , back then, realized I've only done it but not achieve the real deal. So what was the real deal? Hence, I didn't know the real deal until a couple years later. Therefore, I could only define what I had achieved in my first race was only a goal, a goal that gave me a first step into triathlon, it was only the beginning. Then, a couple years later I finally found out what the real deal was, it was achieve triathlon in a higher level in not just finishing the race but race with pride and victory. Hence, that's when the Olympic Dream
sets in. Thus, I started to train professionally with proper plans and proper training schedule. Each and every month, a goal is set to determine my progress and track my improvement or areas that need to be improved. It has been 3 years now in triathlon, training everyday and often traveling off for races, it has become a lifestyle. Thus, it is already a goal that I have achieved to be a triathlete, but that's just not it because the further I walk in this journey the more I see and the more I demand for in order to achieve more goals. It was my faith for what I believed in what I can do, I went beyond the limit and discover even more possibilities and potential in triathlon. It keeps me going and going, yet I never realized how I should stop because the more I discover, the more I wanna achieve.

Dreams? The Olympic Dream? What is the Olympic Dream? What kinda dream is it? The Olympic dream is a dream lived by most athletes around the world. It doesn't matter what kinda sports your in and it is certain that many athletes do wish to achieve in the Olympic, as to be and Olympian. The Olympic is not just about winning and be the best of the world, it is about participation and passion of the sport, and celebrates humanity with both honor and pride. So that is what the Olympic Dream is about.

After all, dreams, goals, or achievement, they are all part of our lives. Yet we just gotta differentiate what we're into and what we want. Life is a very exciting adventure; there are many things to see and to discover. But one thing for sure, your life is in your hand and it is up to you to live with it.

By Jack Ho

COLD COLD COLD!!

It's really cold in the Lab, as we were having class in the lab and I was shaking the whole time while trying to type. It was kinda boring though, so I decided to sms with Jiok. And I was seen giggling by myself while reading Jiok's sms, because it was really funny and lovely. But I got all my work done now, so I'm very till and waiting for my training later.

I didn't wake up for this morning's track session, because I wanted to let my leg rest and heal faster. So Hopefully I'll be able to run soon, yet I still have to prevent running on the road for the moment. I had a great swimming session yesterday, and I did it myself. I did a 5000m straight swim in the pool in 1hr 18mins, I felt like a fish in the tank for once in my life because obviously I was spinning back and forth in the pool for the whole hour!!! It's no fun doing that for sure because all I saw was the lane line and the group swimming beside me. Yet I kept myself calm and focus throughout the swim. I did 5000m straight swim is because I'm off to Labuan for the Open Water Cross Channel Sea Swim next weekend, it's a 5.4km race. So after yesterday's time trial, it's very obvious that I am ready for next Sunday's challenge. Taper training will start next week, so I hope the weather will be alright in Labuan because the sea condition is always the concern. Waves may get chopper on a sunny day, and the sea may looks calm but the current is flowing strongly underneath. So the sea condition is very unpredictable!! But I gotta keep my faith up and pray to God for a beautiful day!

Jason's farewell dinner is on this Friday evening.. A good friend is to leave soon, and I do feel kinda sad about it. Jason is really a good friend of mine, we went training together sometimes, and race together all the time. He's really a strong and tough Kiwi, yet he is always a challenge to me and that makes him a great racing partner because he keeps me going and pushes me through the limit. But I thank Jason for all the great challenges we have overcome!

Jason and I got outta water, he's a fast dude!!!!

My Class is about Blogging ~ Lolz!!!!

I'm in class right now, supposed to be doing my work but I'm blogging instead as I feel kinda bored. It's already Tuesday today, and I start to realise how fast time passes by. I received a call from Kath a few days ago and was suprised to hear she's already back in Perth. We were supposed to meet up last December in Singapore or Miri but we didn't make it because I was kinda busy that time, so now we're looking forward this coming July or December.

Thanks to Karen for this photo

It was Jiok's birthday last Friday, and I was invited by Karen to a suprise party for her at San Fransisco. Jiok had no idea about it at all, as it was planned by Karen. So all the girls showed up and gave her a suprise, then Jiok was in tears. It was really lovely to see her that night, because I hardly see her around. We all had a great night, and everybody was very happy including myself. But most of all, the birthday girl was the happiest! -Huggies for the birthday girl-

I had a long run yesterday for my Run training, I was out for a 2 hrs run and I covered about 22km. It was hell of a long run, because I started off from my hourse at Pujut then all the way to Luak bay, and then back to Boulevard. It wasn't really that fun after all because there were just too many cars. The hilly part Tanjong and Taman Awam were the killers, because running downhill would really injure my legs. So this morning when I woke up for my brick session, I could feel the pain in my ligaments. In the end I ended doing a 60mins recovery ride, and cut the running because I just couldn't run so I guess this week will be a week of running on grass AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! But I felt really good after yesterday's run, it really built my endurance. I just love what I am doing so far, it feels so good to swim bike and run everyday. But on a Sunday, I'm always out for GOLF!

Best ways to dump a Girl

1. Make her feel bored!!
- when you do this, it's so much easier than anything else because she would start to realise her life feels boring and no fun with you at all. So start acting bored and bye bye she goes.

2. Keep a hectic schedule for yourself!
- girls feel left out when guys are busy doing their things, yet it's one of the best way is because you don't make them feel you're avoiding them. If you do make them feel being avoided, the more they'll cling onto you!! Hence, busy with work or study helps you to get a free seat to fly.

3. Stop paying attention to her!!
- this really works because it makes them feel insecure and not important. When they try to talk or get your attention for something, just pretend you're too tired or busy thinking of something else.

4. Stop the "Pampering"!!
- girls always like to be pampered somehow, guess it's their nature or instinct. Once you stop pampering them, they would feel you stop caring about them. Thus, slowly the love fades away.

5. Act like you never had sex!!
- girls do get freak out when a guy starts to be desperate. They feel it's the body that you want and not their hearts (90% guys go for body), so the relationship would turn out meaningless for them.

6. Get intimate with your girl's friends!!!
- this works BEST ever, because girls have really strong jealousy. So start taking pictures or seen walking closely and sweettalks or flirt with your girl's friends. It really piss your girlfriend off, and would yell for a break up. Fast and easy!!

7. Show her you're out of cash!!
- girls do get very materialistic, trust me because it's true. Act like you're always short of cash when you're out dating with her (it's a big saver), and give her that look of "YOU" stressing over your financial problem. Sooner or later, she would starting thinking her dude is poor and can't afford her sh*t!!

8. Talk like a lawyer or politician!
- girls don't enjoy such conversation much when a guy gets too political or diplomatic, especially when the relationship starts to look and sound like a congress in United Nation. It really makes them feel weird and wanna f*ck off.

9. Show your dirty a**!!
- girls do freak out when a guy starts to show his darkside; spitting constantly, bad breath, poke noses, butt scratching, etc. These are really disgusting, Yuck..but it works to piss her off!

10. F*ck and run!!
- okay, this works best too because it sounds like you're escaping from the Alcatraz. Constantly running away from a girlfriend who's obsess over you. But of course, don't run so soon not untill you have explore her divine zen harmonic garden! After that, RUN for your life dammit!!!!!