Who is she?

Today, I woke up with a question in my head "who is she?"...it felt weird, and real at the same time to realize I dream about a girl I have never met before. She was so real; I could feel her touch, her soft lips from her kiss, and her warmth. And her smile that melted my heart, the feeling is just so real. Who is she? I just do not know, but this question will float in my mind and wonder along.

I dream I fell in love with her, and was really in love. She's caring and loving, very affectionate. She's beautiful, a red-headed scarlet, tall and slim, fair complexion with beautiful long legs. She followed where ever I went in my protection, at one thought I felt she's a Russian.

At the same time, I was cheating. My girlfriend text me and call me, I lied as I was with her. She knew I have a girlfriend but she didn't bother, because she knew I have fallen in love for her. My girlfriend didn't bother much about what I do, so it was so much easier to hide this all along. Yet, it was just a dream...and, who is she?

Dream felt so real at times, but perhaps and it might be true that there is a connection between dreams and de javu. Will I ever get to meet this girl? Will I ever play cheating in relationship? And most of all, will this girl ever be real in love? I guess I will just have to wait for my fate to come, then perhaps my question will be answered.

My dream came true once, and I know i lived a dream...and it will, someday, to be twice.

What a beautiful Sunday today, woke up with a cold morning and gloomy clouds. Guess it was raining heavily last night, so as many have said. I love this weather, it just makes me feel great...and most of all, whenever it rains I feel the connection between myself and water. I guess it is just perhaps growing up in water as a swimmer made me feel so. But overall, gotta love the rain for it's cool and every droplet plays a melody of its own.

And, Chinese New Year is coming up, so as Valentine's Day. To my surprise, I just don't feel the mood or emotion for it. It feels like nothing and I just don't know what is expected to be done for it. Perhaps, this is what happen when you have grown up and that mood is just lost. Plus, many friends aren't around this time as most people go on vacation, and I guess this is a new trend.

She is sick today, since last 2 days I should say. Oh well, poor her and I hope she gets well soon. I still thought I could have my weekend with her, but too bad she is just not in the condition to. Plus, she just mad at me again because I was pulling a joke on her but I didn't know she would take it seriously. Whenever she is angry, it makes me feel upset because she would say things that really hurt me. It feels bad, though she doesn't know how it feels to be spit at with poison.

Anger, it's one thing that kills people...but it is also another that brings a lesson or reminder. Somehow, it is weird, whenever she's angry and upset me this would automatically reminds me of her, and let me to run into her. It has been awhile since I last saw her, never thought we would run into each other again for some reason. Sunday ago, she passed me by though we were like transparent. So today, I saw her again because she was mad at me. What a coincident!

Each time when I see her, it feels just like the first time I saw her back in the restaurant. That innocent and shy look of her's just never changed and go away. I smiled within myself whenever I saw that, though we can't even greet. Yet, this only happens when she is angry at me.

Coincident? Well, I guess God does work in mysterious way because He allowed me to meet her half way. So, in a way, I guess this is what meeting half way is about...so close yet so far.

When All Eyes On Me

It has been ages since I last wrote something into this blog, I guess I just never have time for it anymore. Writing article was a favorite pass time, sharing and letting people know what my thoughts are, and cherish my life through words. However, reason now for writing it would definitely make me feel better since I need to spill my heart out. Words describe everything in anyway.

Over and over again, of all these years, the same darkness never seem to go away...it just keeps haunting me from time to time, perhaps this does feel the biggest enemy of my life. But in anyway, life has ups and there is down, for it is not forever perfectly a side. I guess I am down at this moment, or perhaps all these months.

There is, and always, about life anyway; it's either women or career...? Nothing more to me and my perfect little life. Working has been tough, but I am enjoying it nevertheless. I am not complaining much because I am doing what I have wanted to strive in a career. There are many challenges and obstacles, and tackling them is my greatest skill after all. I may be stress certain times, but that's just the process part of it.

So...the biggest downside would be I say myself! I find it hard being me, and no one knows how tough it is, except Dinah my bestest friend of all. I feel hard and tough to be accepted in this town, Miri. People around me just don't seem to be able to see what I am, not even my love ones. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder whenever it comes to this matter. I find this tougher than anything else I overcome.

Yeah, I can't blame anyone else for not being able to understand me but just the cause from myself. You see, I hardly speak my heart out to anyone, not even to my close friends or family as well. For the fact that I can't review everything as my life is too personal and filled with secrecy. And, I hardly get a chance to talk to Dinah nowadays, or ever since college. I miss her so much, because she is the best listener I ever had and probably the only person in the world who can actually understand me most and touch and see what is in my heart.

But this is tough enough, not even my love ones can understand me though I tried to let them know who I am and what I do. I expect my love ones to understand me better, and taken consideration of my life and respect me for who I am. Yet. I just don't seem to be treated the way I should be. I appreciate those who are able to understand me and hear me out, and that does cherish my life letting me knowing that I still get appreciated by others.

Still, no one really knows the burden I carry. I guess it is myself as well for being too demanding and the desperation to achieve my goals and dream. I get busy at work during the day, focus on what I need to do and getting my work done. Then just call it a day when all is accomplished. And when I get home, I expect to be relaxed and chilled with my love ones. But however, that turns oppositely when I get home.

It was the same as well when I was a full-time triathlete, trained all day long and got really exhausted. By the time I got home from training, I expected to be cared and not be pissed at just because I wasn't home to help out. I do feel bad whenever they say that, and sad at the same time because they should know how tough it is to work all day long. I just need a break and relax from all the exhaustion I get from work. Please don't add on when I get home, because home is warmth and supposedly to be a place of love.

I don't wanna be blamed for this and that just because I wasn't home to help out, as I needed to work. It feels tough to be blamed, as I didn't do anything wrong. I am just trying to focus as much as I can at work so I can make more income to support my family. I just wanna be appreciated and most of all supported. I don't need all that anger, I just need a smile.

Same goes to my love life...I just thought she would be understanding me better than anyone else as well, because I share everything with her about what I do. Though I know it is a mistake to do so because girls just can't know too much, and when they do they get freaked out. I know that you care about me, darling. But sometimes, I just need you to understand me more. Your support means a lot to me, it is what will carry me through to be a better man. I know I am not perfect, but I know I am growing up to be a better person. I don't like to be mad at, and I don't wanna go to bed being mad at. I don't mind to be mad at I made mistakes, because I know I will learn from my lesson. I remember everything you said about me, especially when we have our good times...those sweetness of your's just never go away. But when we quarrel or I do something wrong, we get bitter and I am sorry. Yet my dear, all I need is just your support in everything I do. Your smile means a lot to me, your words will bring me to life even when I am dead. I know what you want from me is perfection, but to be imperfect is a perfection because we, human, are never perfect. I don't need your anger, my dear. And after all, I love you and we should care for each other...and not telling each of us what to do. I hope you can understand this, because I really hope you do.

Well, I guess 2011 didn't start out too well in my private life. But in a way, it's a challenge. Yet, I just hope the world can accept me because I am ready for the world.