Endless Sigh

Nothing, still, seems to be really in place yet it just seems to have gotten worse than ever. This is just so stressful at some point because I feel there is no directions and a way out. Sigh, am I just being to stressful on myself? Or just that I am too blind? All in all, there are just too many problems in me that I have to handle every single inch of it on my own. Nobody knows how tough it is to be, the price of fame and living under the spotlight is just a tremendous pressure to take. And nobody would care because I am seem so wrong and helpless. I just feel misunderstood at some point, my fault and my blame? It is just stressful.

Now that the class is gonna start on Monday, my fee still hasn't been settled yet because there is just no more options to take. My family isn't helping, study loan has got no approval yet, and not to mention that my sponsor was pissed about what happened. So I am really left so helpless and hopeless. Yes, some of you may think why not try bank loans. That is a tough one because they require a consistent income, which I do not have so this is just very impossible. I still do not know what I can do to get it solve, as I'm just trying my very best to get right. Sigh, so hard yet so close.

I was in a meeting with the Dean and University Life Manager on Thursday ago. We had to sit down and discuss the issue regarding the flight issue back in September 09; about getting a refund for the last minute booking due to the delay by the protocols and procedures. So the Dean is still trying to solve this problem to get a refund for it. It does stress me up a little because the process of the claim has been taking its time like forever since October 09. And if it does happen that they decided not to refund me, it is gonna be really tough that I have to find my own money to pay Edwin back because he was the one who helped me to get outta Perth to Brisbane when Curtin couldn't do anything. Sigh, I just hope it will turn out fine.

Besides the meeting regarding the issue, then we spoke about the EAFU program and representation of Curtin. I just felt really pressured when they speak of it because I have not got to solve my fees problem yet. Dean is very hopeful that I can do well in my study and the uni will support me academically in any way possible, I am thankful for her assurance in this matter. Yet, at the same time I just feel bad because I have not settled my fees yet. She has given the approval to continue the EAFU program where I get flexibility for my study in order to suit my training regime too. Then, there was this expectations of how my triathlon career will be this year. Sigh, so grateful yet so stressful.

At first, they thought I might fall back a little, like a retirement from it because I have already put it up to world championships last year. But I gotta be honest with them about my triathlon career plan this year, so it lighten them up somehow and that is why they have given assurance of support academically. In a way, they do have expectations from me this year, as my triathlon career has stretched another step to greater heights; with Asian Games to qualify for, hopefully Commonwealth Games too, then competing in Elite/Pro category for Xterra, and qualify for Xterra World Champs and ITU World Champs too. So this is how much I have to do this year, and they do expect me to qualify for it all for sure when they asked me what the chances are; I had to be very honest because the chances are there and high, especially with Xterra and ITU world champ. Sigh, I just hope I can make it.

My fee is still on an unstable platform because I still have not found a way out. My dad is asking me to write to Lady Boss again, which she already didn't my emails twice. I know she is ignoring me now, and I just don't feel like emailing her again because I don't find any point to push it hard when sponsors do not wish to sponsor again. My dad is telling me to do it, give it another shot, but I refuse to because I have appealed already and there was no response though dad is really hopeful she will. My dad really stress me up sometimes when he isn't helping at all, because I'm already trying to solve my problems but he's adding more pressure at the same time. Sigh, this is just so not helping.

Right, there is also this problem when I'm stressful I tend to let my frustration out on Sharon. I got no one else to talk my problems to because all my bestfriends are not around anymore, and Sharon is the closest person I got and whom I can trust only. I feel bad and guilty that I got her really upset at time like this, because I get out of control with all the problems around me. I tried to get hold of myself together, but I'm constantly on the edge of falling off from the cliff. It is tough to hang on but I just gotta hold on. I know Sharon has been mad and upset, but I know I can make it up to her when I overcome all my problems. I truly enjoy her companionship and most of all her caring, she just means so much to me and more than anything. But I hope I can pull this through so she won't have to suffer again, so do I. Sigh, so many things yet so little time.

Keepin' Faith II

As each day passes by, I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulder gets heavier, and everything seems to be more tense. I just feel so tight up and packed up with the current problems I have, and it has gotten Sharon to worry so much that she is stress out about it too. I'm just feeling so bad about myself that I got her stress out too because of my problems, I ain't liking this and feeling damn guilty about it. With my frustration goin' around crazy in me, I got it angry on her as well which got her really upset too. I'm just feel so terrible about myself at the moment because nothing seems right.

Life just seems so a little fucked up at the moment, but I know I ain't the only one in the world having problems because alotta people out there are goin' through their own hard times too. So I just gotta do whatever it takes to make it up to mine, and so Sharon won't have to worry and stressing out no more. She doesn't deserve this because she is such a great girl that she deserves much better. Though I know she really cares deep inside and I really appreciate it so much because she ain't walking away and the only one left by my side.

My family has turn their backs on me, I just feel really upset about it because when I need help they are so cold hearted that I am to be ignored and not bothered. They may have been blinded by their own desire yet they have forgotten the good deeds I have for them as a son. It is just sad, though I am not blaming because there is no point but I am just watching it in sadness and sorrow. I am really now left on my own, and all day long all I could is to give my family a fake smile because I no longer who I am to them; just a perfect stranger. Sometimes I just feel I might as well be good as dead because it doesn't mean anything anymore to be in this family.

Now that my educational fund has been used up, I got no money left to continue my degree. My sponsor ain't too happy about how the fund was used up by my dad, so I guess she has decided not to allocate another sponsorship again. Study Loan has not gotten my name on the list, so I guess it is not approved. So financially, I am on no ground to continue my degree in Finance anymore though I really wanna get a degree for a better future. So I can kick my ass back to Shell and have a better job than I used to being a Technical Assistant instead. But I guess I can't do that without a Finance degree, it is just sad.

I gotta start looking into different directions, though it is a good thing, but at some point my triathlon career feels threaten too. I have gotten so far now into triathlon where I have always wanted to be, achieving and overcoming my goals are the pride and success I have and I still have more goals to go in my triathlon career. Yet, it is all in jeopardy now because of my current financial situation. This is just too hard to take because I worked it all up so hard for this 2 years ago; I could finally got a sponsorship to go back to study and get a degree, and at the same time allowing me to achieve higher in triathlon. Yet, all this seems to come to an end. All the hard work and effort, worth giving up? In my heart I feel very intense that I don't want everything that I have worked for to go wasted.

This is really a tough decision for me to make and take, because I know once I get back to work I won't be able to train full-time like I always do now. And, that would result in a drop of performance because you gotta keep both work and sport at a balance. I have done that for those working days I had; wake up at 4am just to go for a training, take a nap at lunch break or easy training at lunch break, then back to training again after work till late night. It is exhausting and resulted declines in performance because it just drains you mentally. I don't really wanna go through that anymore, because it definitely is not an option to take.

I just do not know what else to do now, as I am trying my best to get myself together as there is just too much upsets fro my family. And people just walk away when you have problems because nobody seems to cares, but I can't blame them as it is not their problem so why would they bother to involve anyway. Yet I am glad that I have Sharon and a few close friends to support me mentally and spiritually. I am not giving up on my study yet because I just hope that I can work it out financially as there is still hope, I just gotta put more effort to it. This is another challenging time in my life, I have survived it once and I do think and know that well enough I am a survivor of crisis and I can make it again this time. We are all born with problems and we just gotta learn to deal with it.

I do wish I can get outta here, get outta Malaysia, go somewhere else and start a new life. Though I have been hoping to go to America for a new life, as I have been searching for some sport scholarships. But it's hard because I still can't find any triathlon scholarships yet and it's all offered for traditional sport. The States is a good place to start a new life, the land of opportunity. I just wanna get outta here and never look back again, ever.

Oh well, I just gotta hope for the best and do whatever I can to get my ass into degree because I ain't gonna let people watch me burn. It's my life and I do what I want with it, and the future is mine as it is right in the palm of my hands. Nobody can take away what I have, as it is in God's will. My faith lies in God and my life, that's all there is in Me.

I was supposed to be very happy yesterday, Monday. Probably would be a happy day for me as I received a confirmation email from Tengku Nadia saying I will be competing in the ELITE/PRO Category at Xterra Malaysia, this is really something happy for me because I have always trying hard for it though I didn't get to make it to Maui last year. Having this pro card means a lot to me, as it doesn't matter if I win or lose because all that matters is what I am gonna overcome with the pros in the race. It's gonna be tough but I am liking it as there is just so much more to take. But I wanna thank Xterra for giving me this opportunity, because this is really a big deal for me. But I am too troubled with all the problems I have so I am feeling really numb at some point, just seem so clueless as well. Yet, at least I do have some motivation now to keep my triathlon career goin' with the pro card given, and I will do my best for it.

Well, I hope better days do come because the rain will stops and the sky gets cleared when the sunshines. This is life, we just gotta live with it as ain't got nothing comes easily just like that. We, all humans, gotta work for it to survive in this world we know.

Keepin' Faith

It is time like this, a time on no man's land, where things do get tough...really tough! I gotta swing by myself right now, or perhaps all the while it has always been. Trouble comes and go in life, and all that we wish for is a peaceful where we could sit back and chill. Yet that ain't gonna last forever, because there's always gonna be twist and turn of faith.

And so, 2 years later my life got twisted again. Looking back for it all in the past 2 years, it was good and for real no doubt everything seem so fine. But then, 2 years ago was all the struggle I put through to have a better life. But then 2 years later, it all falls down again, when I was and where I was.

Geezz, it does feel tough and confuse. I'm tryin' to pull myself together and thinkin' right to get through all this again. I'm feeling lost at some point, like there is no directions comin' right up or anywhere to be seen. So here I am, writing whatever I have left to say from my heart.

Life does get really tough at times, especially when you have to make a decision for the best of both world; family and yourself. It's a tough split too, because it ain't gon' seem to get away. And, I just do not what to do. Yeah, people would say go with the flow and follow your heart...that works pretty well when you get hands on life easily when it's all provided.

Some might even say it's how you choose life to be or how you want it to be, but things get too perfect it always pushes you to the end of the edge where you got no more choices. That's exactly how I feel, standing on the edge waiting to fall or fly. Everybody wants to fly, because life is good when you're flying and soaring freely. Yet honestly, my heart says I should fall...take that fall and be a new man, learn from the pain and struggle through the worst because life is always easy when it was hard.

So I'm still asking myself, thinking to myself of everything that could be...I find no answers yet, because they are all lost. You know, this life that I know many people around would start telling you to make a fortune out of your life because that's how the world role. And, freedom comes with it when you got all the bucks to stack you up. But geezz...that could be so true sometimes when you're too reliable on it, because money just ain't everything. But for the fact is that's what you need to role and get a bread for a day to see another day, everybody is selfish about it because nobody gon' stand by you. So I'm taking that fall so hard that it leaves a mark on me and I'm gonna climb back on no matter how high the mountain gets.

I have walked through a journey in this life with many wonders, and they are perfect memories; so beautiful, so wonderful because they are what had made me who I am today. Yet, I guess I just gotta let go of it. It doesn't matter of what I have done and achieved; I appreciate them all, grateful about it, but things just gotta come to a stop because it is time to go. Nothing stays forever, because everything that has a beginning has an ending...and that ending is a start of something new, a rebirth.

I'm not too sure if I am gonna make the right decision because I'm still fighting hard to get through the fire, nobody wants to be burn alive as there is just so much pain and torture. But hey remember that scene in Harry Potter where the Phoenix was burn to ashes and rebirth into a whole new phoenix again? Now that's how life gets in between, there is this old one gives new one a better life and the new one just gonna leave for the old one to have a better one.

But it's all for real, it comes to a stand point in life when things just stood still and won't move; I just realized time has just stopped while I am writing this, and nothing seems to move.

So here I am taking a minute and listen to everything around me...

All that I hear is the whisper of the world, the world we live in; where we are born, and where we will die. Life takes its' hand on me, but I just gotta put right through. I love the old days, so much to miss; all the fun, the good times, ex-girlfriends, birthday parties, everything that made me who I am today...but all that gotta go. Perhaps, it is really time to take a new turn and remember the name.

Right now, I am right on the edge looking into the sky...wondering, wondering, wondering.

I do hear God who speaks to me for guidance, I appreciate it because all He has given is a blessed of love and peace.

Yet, I am still on that very edge thinking to myself...will I fly or fall?

That edge, that very edge that determines your fate. The reality just put your mask right on the ice, frozen with all the stingy pain of a million needles in the skin. Here you are wishing you have been dead an unborn to face all the cruelty given, because you feel forsaken.

Sigh, that's the only facial expression I have and nothing beats that. When I put on all the masks I have, I tend to fool everybody around me because no one the suffering beneath a gentle smile.

Life is tough now I admit, and I do wonder what to do. But all I know is with a little faith there comes hope, and with a little there comes life because everything will fall right back on place again once more.

It's funny how life is sometimes, just like a relationship, as it is like a equilibrium where you gotta keep an eye on it and make sure it balances. If not, everything's gonna fall right outta place.

I just hope I can make it through again this time, because I know I will. Life comes in challenges an obstacles, and part of me is loving it to get myself on test. Am I ready for it? Yeah, I am born ready and nothing is impossible.