Heartache is a pain, a pain that dwells within a heart, and this pain has long been dwelling inside me. It doesn't matter how strong and how determine I am, I guess it will always be with me or within me. There never seem to be a way to walk out of this pain, because each time when I finally thought I'm free from it yet it pulls me back into it again. But yet, this is just another heartache given by family.
It has been long since they broke my heart, my heart is so broken that it's been shattered to pieces, lost pieces. But I never blame them for it, because I guess they just don't see what's inside me. I used to let them down when I was young, I never live up to their expectations as I was still young back then. Though I made through my teens, I still didn't give the expectations they demanded. My parents had dreams for me, and yet they were not my dreams, there were just another page of lists of their own to be pasted on mine. The only thing that I have always stated in my mind is my own dreams and goals, as life is short and you may not see another day. Of course, I made mistakes as I grow up as I'm only human enough to do so is because we, humans, learn through our mistakes as we are not a perfect being. Till today, I'm still learning as learning is infinite. At least, at some point it shows how unlimited learning can be because there are just too much to learn in this world, or the universe. Though I made mistakes in my life, I tried my best to make things and still trying. Yet, no matter what I do and nothing has ever seemed to satisfy my parents or my family.
Triathlon has been in me since I started racing in it, it's been fun and filled with experiences. I got really serious into triathlon of course, as it's been a passion towards achieving my goal. Throughout my career in triathlon, I've achieved achievements that I never did and never thought I could before. Even though I may not be the best in this world, but yet I've given the best in me to pursue my goal. Many times, I am glad by the supports that have given in achieving my goals and dreams by my coaches and close friends around. Yet, it is sad when you know the closest people in your life aren't there for you and still always discourage you, especially when they are the people who gave birth to you and been living with. I've always wanted the supports from my family, but yet not even once they have given me that. It is always their words of discouragement and disappointments that stabbed my heart deeply with pain. Why can't my parents and family support me and encourage me like my friends do? Just because I wasn't a champion when I was young doesn't me I would fail again. Friends around me have seen and witnessed my potentials and what I have achieved, but yet my family never had look in it. I remember I got 5th in Singapore Triathlon 2006, 7th in Sarawak 2006 and 1st in the Sarawak Closed Category, 2nd for the PBC Triathlon 2007, 2nd for the Sarawak Triathlon 2007, 4th for the PBC Duathlon Series 2007, 3rd for the Borneo 10 miles 2008, and 7th for the Labuan Cross Channel Swim 2008. I can remember all these achievements myself, and so do my friends. The only people who can't even remember or very skeptical about it are my father, mother, and brothers! I was so disappointed when they couldn't even remember though they were there to watch me race. Every single medals, certs and prizes that I got, I would always present it to them and hope they would feel proud. Yet, my father always came to me and says "You never seem to win anything and always get last in a race". I was always star struck whenever my father said that to me, but most of all it is so heart breaking. I remember that I would always come home with my medal and show it to him, then I would tell him "Dad, look I got a medal and I did it again this time". But I guess he didn't listen with his heart at all always mention I never achieved anything in triathlon. I tried to talk to my family how I got my achievement and how I have done it, but they never seem to listen to me and ignore me instead. I tried to tell them how hard it is in triathlon and how competitive this sport is, yet they never seemed to listen or pay any attention to me. I always asked my parents and my family to come see me race and watch me do my training so they can see my potentials. Why can other people see the potentials in me and give me the opportunity to prove, but yet why can't my parents do so? Why? I just don't understand why! I've been trying my best to let them understand how it is in triathlon, but yet it never went into their minds. The moment I speak of it, they would say I'm lousy and I'm not good for it. I've tried to prove it to them but yet they never appreciate what I've achieved. I've always dedicated my achievements to my family yet they never seem to know. I spent so much time to train and work hard for it, yet in the end my family can't seem to appreciate every single little effort I made. I really do feel like giving up at what I do best sometimes, because the pain just swallow me slowly and kill me mentally. Sometimes I really lose myself just because I pushed myself too much as I really wanna prove something to my parents and my family. Though I risked so much and I never blame anybody but just hope they would appreciate it in the end and realize what their son is about. My parents and family just don't really understand me at all, because I guess no matter what I do is always wrong and it's never right. They would always say I don't train much but when I asked them to come and watch me train to see it for themselves, yet they never wanted to. Friends and coaches who have seen me and been there for me when I do my training have often given me the support and courage I need, and most of all the improvements I need to surpass my performance. Sometimes I really hope someone can actually go and talk to my parents about my performance in triathlon and hopefully they would believe it. I’ve done my best trying to convince them and prove to them, in the end it is still nothing to them at all. Sometimes when I'm so tired from my training, how I wish my dad would ask me "How are you, son? How's your training? Feeling good? You can do better". No, I don't get that and not even a word of encouragement. All my parents ever knew is how to discourage me and let me down. It makes me feel so helpless sometimes that I don't what I should do to myself, I'm trying hard to achieve out of my best to communicate with them but it never seem to work because they just won't listen and sympathize my situation at all. It is just so hard for me to sit down and have a talk with them because each time when I try to tell them something or talk to them it would turn out to be an argument. That’s why I always remain quiet at home and I don’t talk to my family much about what I do outside like my studies, triathlon, and other things. Their skepticisms are too much and I just don’t understand why because others can believe me as they have seen how I performed in my studies and sport, but not my parents. I remember when I told them I got good results for my last semester's study and lecturers have asked me to apply for exemptions, yet my parents just didn't believe at all as they thought I was just joking or something and kept thinking impossible I could do it. But when I showed them my results, they just kept quiet and didn't say a word. It is because of what they have always done to me, I really feel like I wanna run away from home and just get out of that harsh and painful situation. The only person who has ever made me feels good when I was down and upset by my family is Syaza, my ex-girlfriend. She was the only who was ever they for me, because I still remember there was this night I talked to her about it I actually cried as it was just too sad for me then she gave me a hug and I felt like I still had somebody who actually care about me and support me. But of course, now I don’t have that anymore as she no longer talks to me or be by my side. I do miss her a lot sometimes because she was the only one who has ever given me the most support I needed most, she's a good girl and a really nice person. That hug she gave me, I can still feel it today as I can only remember that was the only moment that has given me the courage to live and overcome the obstacles of my life. I really miss it indeed, so much. But I definitely have no one else now because I'm just all alone by myself facing all the challenges I have to. I really do wish I can someone to talk to sometime to share something with, but I guess there is nobody other than myself.
I'm glad that I'm back in university to pursue a degree now, yet it seems to be something wrong for my family. They blame me for not supporting the family financially as I had to quit my job for my studies, and it gives them a burden. But they are not the ones who support me financially in my study; it is my sponsors who do so. I really don't understand why they have to put all the blame on me. The money that has been given to me has covered all my studies and my monthly expenses. Still, they wanna put all the blame on me as it is a burden to them financially. Besides, I have my own circle of friends and I don't have problems mixing around because I like to mix around. Yet my parents have problems with it, it's like I can't hang out with people from other races and stuffs like that. It just irritates me! I don't care whether you're Malay, Natives, Indians, Westerners, or Africans, you're all still people and it's alright to get to know people because we're just making friends around and also socialize ourselves. My parents would always tell me or order me not to mix around with people from other races because other Chinese will start looking down on me as they had already looked down on me just because I hang out with Malays. I do know people who do talk about me hanging out with people from other races and start saying I'm cheap, disgusting, dirty and no class. Come on, is Chinese the only class of people in this world??? I mean be more open minded people because it is a world that we live in. I know most people here in Miri got problems with mixing around with other races, because I have heard too many things about what other people said behind my back and to my family about me. Go ahead as I don't give a shit about what you freaks out there thinking, you might think you're something but I bet you should start take a good look at yourself if you start being a racist or a narcissist. Besides, I'm glad those people are gossiping about me at some point because they make me famous. Socialization people, don't you understand? It's not the changes that made the people; it's the people who made the changes. It doesn't seem to be anything wrong to mix around with other races or hang out with them, because we're all people! It's alright to mix around because there's no harm in doing so, but it does sound harmful for those who think they are the highest class people (WEIRDOS).
Thus, the pain is deep within me and has been long dwelling inside me. My parents' skepticisms have really been a challenge to me though. Even it hurt me mentally but somehow I still wish they would realize it and change that one day. I love my family and I thank my parents for giving birth to me, because if it wasn't them I wouldn't be achieving so many things in my life for now. They may be blind to see what's in me and they may not understand me, I just hope that they will someday. Someday that I hope God will open their heart and accept me for who I am and see what's in me. I may not be the best in this world, but I definitely have what it takes to pursue my goals. The only person in my family who is supportive enough is my little brother, Ben, though he's still young but he's the only inspiration I have left in my family. I don't blame my parents for all the things that said or how my family treated me, it's alright, because somehow I know I will still be able to prove it to them one day as that day will come. I will not give up at what I do best and my dream, my passion. It is because that's the purpose I live for, and no matter what it takes I know I'm gonna make it someday in my goals. It may be painful now, but what kills me will make me stronger and a better me.
It has been long since they broke my heart, my heart is so broken that it's been shattered to pieces, lost pieces. But I never blame them for it, because I guess they just don't see what's inside me. I used to let them down when I was young, I never live up to their expectations as I was still young back then. Though I made through my teens, I still didn't give the expectations they demanded. My parents had dreams for me, and yet they were not my dreams, there were just another page of lists of their own to be pasted on mine. The only thing that I have always stated in my mind is my own dreams and goals, as life is short and you may not see another day. Of course, I made mistakes as I grow up as I'm only human enough to do so is because we, humans, learn through our mistakes as we are not a perfect being. Till today, I'm still learning as learning is infinite. At least, at some point it shows how unlimited learning can be because there are just too much to learn in this world, or the universe. Though I made mistakes in my life, I tried my best to make things and still trying. Yet, no matter what I do and nothing has ever seemed to satisfy my parents or my family.
Triathlon has been in me since I started racing in it, it's been fun and filled with experiences. I got really serious into triathlon of course, as it's been a passion towards achieving my goal. Throughout my career in triathlon, I've achieved achievements that I never did and never thought I could before. Even though I may not be the best in this world, but yet I've given the best in me to pursue my goal. Many times, I am glad by the supports that have given in achieving my goals and dreams by my coaches and close friends around. Yet, it is sad when you know the closest people in your life aren't there for you and still always discourage you, especially when they are the people who gave birth to you and been living with. I've always wanted the supports from my family, but yet not even once they have given me that. It is always their words of discouragement and disappointments that stabbed my heart deeply with pain. Why can't my parents and family support me and encourage me like my friends do? Just because I wasn't a champion when I was young doesn't me I would fail again. Friends around me have seen and witnessed my potentials and what I have achieved, but yet my family never had look in it. I remember I got 5th in Singapore Triathlon 2006, 7th in Sarawak 2006 and 1st in the Sarawak Closed Category, 2nd for the PBC Triathlon 2007, 2nd for the Sarawak Triathlon 2007, 4th for the PBC Duathlon Series 2007, 3rd for the Borneo 10 miles 2008, and 7th for the Labuan Cross Channel Swim 2008. I can remember all these achievements myself, and so do my friends. The only people who can't even remember or very skeptical about it are my father, mother, and brothers! I was so disappointed when they couldn't even remember though they were there to watch me race. Every single medals, certs and prizes that I got, I would always present it to them and hope they would feel proud. Yet, my father always came to me and says "You never seem to win anything and always get last in a race". I was always star struck whenever my father said that to me, but most of all it is so heart breaking. I remember that I would always come home with my medal and show it to him, then I would tell him "Dad, look I got a medal and I did it again this time". But I guess he didn't listen with his heart at all always mention I never achieved anything in triathlon. I tried to talk to my family how I got my achievement and how I have done it, but they never seem to listen to me and ignore me instead. I tried to tell them how hard it is in triathlon and how competitive this sport is, yet they never seemed to listen or pay any attention to me. I always asked my parents and my family to come see me race and watch me do my training so they can see my potentials. Why can other people see the potentials in me and give me the opportunity to prove, but yet why can't my parents do so? Why? I just don't understand why! I've been trying my best to let them understand how it is in triathlon, but yet it never went into their minds. The moment I speak of it, they would say I'm lousy and I'm not good for it. I've tried to prove it to them but yet they never appreciate what I've achieved. I've always dedicated my achievements to my family yet they never seem to know. I spent so much time to train and work hard for it, yet in the end my family can't seem to appreciate every single little effort I made. I really do feel like giving up at what I do best sometimes, because the pain just swallow me slowly and kill me mentally. Sometimes I really lose myself just because I pushed myself too much as I really wanna prove something to my parents and my family. Though I risked so much and I never blame anybody but just hope they would appreciate it in the end and realize what their son is about. My parents and family just don't really understand me at all, because I guess no matter what I do is always wrong and it's never right. They would always say I don't train much but when I asked them to come and watch me train to see it for themselves, yet they never wanted to. Friends and coaches who have seen me and been there for me when I do my training have often given me the support and courage I need, and most of all the improvements I need to surpass my performance. Sometimes I really hope someone can actually go and talk to my parents about my performance in triathlon and hopefully they would believe it. I’ve done my best trying to convince them and prove to them, in the end it is still nothing to them at all. Sometimes when I'm so tired from my training, how I wish my dad would ask me "How are you, son? How's your training? Feeling good? You can do better". No, I don't get that and not even a word of encouragement. All my parents ever knew is how to discourage me and let me down. It makes me feel so helpless sometimes that I don't what I should do to myself, I'm trying hard to achieve out of my best to communicate with them but it never seem to work because they just won't listen and sympathize my situation at all. It is just so hard for me to sit down and have a talk with them because each time when I try to tell them something or talk to them it would turn out to be an argument. That’s why I always remain quiet at home and I don’t talk to my family much about what I do outside like my studies, triathlon, and other things. Their skepticisms are too much and I just don’t understand why because others can believe me as they have seen how I performed in my studies and sport, but not my parents. I remember when I told them I got good results for my last semester's study and lecturers have asked me to apply for exemptions, yet my parents just didn't believe at all as they thought I was just joking or something and kept thinking impossible I could do it. But when I showed them my results, they just kept quiet and didn't say a word. It is because of what they have always done to me, I really feel like I wanna run away from home and just get out of that harsh and painful situation. The only person who has ever made me feels good when I was down and upset by my family is Syaza, my ex-girlfriend. She was the only who was ever they for me, because I still remember there was this night I talked to her about it I actually cried as it was just too sad for me then she gave me a hug and I felt like I still had somebody who actually care about me and support me. But of course, now I don’t have that anymore as she no longer talks to me or be by my side. I do miss her a lot sometimes because she was the only one who has ever given me the most support I needed most, she's a good girl and a really nice person. That hug she gave me, I can still feel it today as I can only remember that was the only moment that has given me the courage to live and overcome the obstacles of my life. I really miss it indeed, so much. But I definitely have no one else now because I'm just all alone by myself facing all the challenges I have to. I really do wish I can someone to talk to sometime to share something with, but I guess there is nobody other than myself.
I'm glad that I'm back in university to pursue a degree now, yet it seems to be something wrong for my family. They blame me for not supporting the family financially as I had to quit my job for my studies, and it gives them a burden. But they are not the ones who support me financially in my study; it is my sponsors who do so. I really don't understand why they have to put all the blame on me. The money that has been given to me has covered all my studies and my monthly expenses. Still, they wanna put all the blame on me as it is a burden to them financially. Besides, I have my own circle of friends and I don't have problems mixing around because I like to mix around. Yet my parents have problems with it, it's like I can't hang out with people from other races and stuffs like that. It just irritates me! I don't care whether you're Malay, Natives, Indians, Westerners, or Africans, you're all still people and it's alright to get to know people because we're just making friends around and also socialize ourselves. My parents would always tell me or order me not to mix around with people from other races because other Chinese will start looking down on me as they had already looked down on me just because I hang out with Malays. I do know people who do talk about me hanging out with people from other races and start saying I'm cheap, disgusting, dirty and no class. Come on, is Chinese the only class of people in this world??? I mean be more open minded people because it is a world that we live in. I know most people here in Miri got problems with mixing around with other races, because I have heard too many things about what other people said behind my back and to my family about me. Go ahead as I don't give a shit about what you freaks out there thinking, you might think you're something but I bet you should start take a good look at yourself if you start being a racist or a narcissist. Besides, I'm glad those people are gossiping about me at some point because they make me famous. Socialization people, don't you understand? It's not the changes that made the people; it's the people who made the changes. It doesn't seem to be anything wrong to mix around with other races or hang out with them, because we're all people! It's alright to mix around because there's no harm in doing so, but it does sound harmful for those who think they are the highest class people (WEIRDOS).
Thus, the pain is deep within me and has been long dwelling inside me. My parents' skepticisms have really been a challenge to me though. Even it hurt me mentally but somehow I still wish they would realize it and change that one day. I love my family and I thank my parents for giving birth to me, because if it wasn't them I wouldn't be achieving so many things in my life for now. They may be blind to see what's in me and they may not understand me, I just hope that they will someday. Someday that I hope God will open their heart and accept me for who I am and see what's in me. I may not be the best in this world, but I definitely have what it takes to pursue my goals. The only person in my family who is supportive enough is my little brother, Ben, though he's still young but he's the only inspiration I have left in my family. I don't blame my parents for all the things that said or how my family treated me, it's alright, because somehow I know I will still be able to prove it to them one day as that day will come. I will not give up at what I do best and my dream, my passion. It is because that's the purpose I live for, and no matter what it takes I know I'm gonna make it someday in my goals. It may be painful now, but what kills me will make me stronger and a better me.
By Jack Ho
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