As each day passes by, I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulder gets heavier, and everything seems to be more tense. I just feel so tight up and packed up with the current problems I have, and it has gotten Sharon to worry so much that she is stress out about it too. I'm just feeling so bad about myself that I got her stress out too because of my problems, I ain't liking this and feeling damn guilty about it. With my frustration goin' around crazy in me, I got it angry on her as well which got her really upset too. I'm just feel so terrible about myself at the moment because nothing seems right.
Life just seems so a little fucked up at the moment, but I know I ain't the only one in the world having problems because alotta people out there are goin' through their own hard times too. So I just gotta do whatever it takes to make it up to mine, and so Sharon won't have to worry and stressing out no more. She doesn't deserve this because she is such a great girl that she deserves much better. Though I know she really cares deep inside and I really appreciate it so much because she ain't walking away and the only one left by my side.
My family has turn their backs on me, I just feel really upset about it because when I need help they are so cold hearted that I am to be ignored and not bothered. They may have been blinded by their own desire yet they have forgotten the good deeds I have for them as a son. It is just sad, though I am not blaming because there is no point but I am just watching it in sadness and sorrow. I am really now left on my own, and all day long all I could is to give my family a fake smile because I no longer who I am to them; just a perfect stranger. Sometimes I just feel I might as well be good as dead because it doesn't mean anything anymore to be in this family.
Now that my educational fund has been used up, I got no money left to continue my degree. My sponsor ain't too happy about how the fund was used up by my dad, so I guess she has decided not to allocate another sponsorship again. Study Loan has not gotten my name on the list, so I guess it is not approved. So financially, I am on no ground to continue my degree in Finance anymore though I really wanna get a degree for a better future. So I can kick my ass back to Shell and have a better job than I used to being a Technical Assistant instead. But I guess I can't do that without a Finance degree, it is just sad.
I gotta start looking into different directions, though it is a good thing, but at some point my triathlon career feels threaten too. I have gotten so far now into triathlon where I have always wanted to be, achieving and overcoming my goals are the pride and success I have and I still have more goals to go in my triathlon career. Yet, it is all in jeopardy now because of my current financial situation. This is just too hard to take because I worked it all up so hard for this 2 years ago; I could finally got a sponsorship to go back to study and get a degree, and at the same time allowing me to achieve higher in triathlon. Yet, all this seems to come to an end. All the hard work and effort, worth giving up? In my heart I feel very intense that I don't want everything that I have worked for to go wasted.
This is really a tough decision for me to make and take, because I know once I get back to work I won't be able to train full-time like I always do now. And, that would result in a drop of performance because you gotta keep both work and sport at a balance. I have done that for those working days I had; wake up at 4am just to go for a training, take a nap at lunch break or easy training at lunch break, then back to training again after work till late night. It is exhausting and resulted declines in performance because it just drains you mentally. I don't really wanna go through that anymore, because it definitely is not an option to take.
I just do not know what else to do now, as I am trying my best to get myself together as there is just too much upsets fro my family. And people just walk away when you have problems because nobody seems to cares, but I can't blame them as it is not their problem so why would they bother to involve anyway. Yet I am glad that I have Sharon and a few close friends to support me mentally and spiritually. I am not giving up on my study yet because I just hope that I can work it out financially as there is still hope, I just gotta put more effort to it. This is another challenging time in my life, I have survived it once and I do think and know that well enough I am a survivor of crisis and I can make it again this time. We are all born with problems and we just gotta learn to deal with it.
I do wish I can get outta here, get outta Malaysia, go somewhere else and start a new life. Though I have been hoping to go to America for a new life, as I have been searching for some sport scholarships. But it's hard because I still can't find any triathlon scholarships yet and it's all offered for traditional sport. The States is a good place to start a new life, the land of opportunity. I just wanna get outta here and never look back again, ever.
Oh well, I just gotta hope for the best and do whatever I can to get my ass into degree because I ain't gonna let people watch me burn. It's my life and I do what I want with it, and the future is mine as it is right in the palm of my hands. Nobody can take away what I have, as it is in God's will. My faith lies in God and my life, that's all there is in Me.
I was supposed to be very happy yesterday, Monday. Probably would be a happy day for me as I received a confirmation email from Tengku Nadia saying I will be competing in the ELITE/PRO Category at Xterra Malaysia, this is really something happy for me because I have always trying hard for it though I didn't get to make it to Maui last year. Having this pro card means a lot to me, as it doesn't matter if I win or lose because all that matters is what I am gonna overcome with the pros in the race. It's gonna be tough but I am liking it as there is just so much more to take. But I wanna thank Xterra for giving me this opportunity, because this is really a big deal for me. But I am too troubled with all the problems I have so I am feeling really numb at some point, just seem so clueless as well. Yet, at least I do have some motivation now to keep my triathlon career goin' with the pro card given, and I will do my best for it.
Well, I hope better days do come because the rain will stops and the sky gets cleared when the sunshines. This is life, we just gotta live with it as ain't got nothing comes easily just like that. We, all humans, gotta work for it to survive in this world we know.
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