Endless Sigh

Nothing, still, seems to be really in place yet it just seems to have gotten worse than ever. This is just so stressful at some point because I feel there is no directions and a way out. Sigh, am I just being to stressful on myself? Or just that I am too blind? All in all, there are just too many problems in me that I have to handle every single inch of it on my own. Nobody knows how tough it is to be, the price of fame and living under the spotlight is just a tremendous pressure to take. And nobody would care because I am seem so wrong and helpless. I just feel misunderstood at some point, my fault and my blame? It is just stressful.

Now that the class is gonna start on Monday, my fee still hasn't been settled yet because there is just no more options to take. My family isn't helping, study loan has got no approval yet, and not to mention that my sponsor was pissed about what happened. So I am really left so helpless and hopeless. Yes, some of you may think why not try bank loans. That is a tough one because they require a consistent income, which I do not have so this is just very impossible. I still do not know what I can do to get it solve, as I'm just trying my very best to get right. Sigh, so hard yet so close.

I was in a meeting with the Dean and University Life Manager on Thursday ago. We had to sit down and discuss the issue regarding the flight issue back in September 09; about getting a refund for the last minute booking due to the delay by the protocols and procedures. So the Dean is still trying to solve this problem to get a refund for it. It does stress me up a little because the process of the claim has been taking its time like forever since October 09. And if it does happen that they decided not to refund me, it is gonna be really tough that I have to find my own money to pay Edwin back because he was the one who helped me to get outta Perth to Brisbane when Curtin couldn't do anything. Sigh, I just hope it will turn out fine.

Besides the meeting regarding the issue, then we spoke about the EAFU program and representation of Curtin. I just felt really pressured when they speak of it because I have not got to solve my fees problem yet. Dean is very hopeful that I can do well in my study and the uni will support me academically in any way possible, I am thankful for her assurance in this matter. Yet, at the same time I just feel bad because I have not settled my fees yet. She has given the approval to continue the EAFU program where I get flexibility for my study in order to suit my training regime too. Then, there was this expectations of how my triathlon career will be this year. Sigh, so grateful yet so stressful.

At first, they thought I might fall back a little, like a retirement from it because I have already put it up to world championships last year. But I gotta be honest with them about my triathlon career plan this year, so it lighten them up somehow and that is why they have given assurance of support academically. In a way, they do have expectations from me this year, as my triathlon career has stretched another step to greater heights; with Asian Games to qualify for, hopefully Commonwealth Games too, then competing in Elite/Pro category for Xterra, and qualify for Xterra World Champs and ITU World Champs too. So this is how much I have to do this year, and they do expect me to qualify for it all for sure when they asked me what the chances are; I had to be very honest because the chances are there and high, especially with Xterra and ITU world champ. Sigh, I just hope I can make it.

My fee is still on an unstable platform because I still have not found a way out. My dad is asking me to write to Lady Boss again, which she already didn't my emails twice. I know she is ignoring me now, and I just don't feel like emailing her again because I don't find any point to push it hard when sponsors do not wish to sponsor again. My dad is telling me to do it, give it another shot, but I refuse to because I have appealed already and there was no response though dad is really hopeful she will. My dad really stress me up sometimes when he isn't helping at all, because I'm already trying to solve my problems but he's adding more pressure at the same time. Sigh, this is just so not helping.

Right, there is also this problem when I'm stressful I tend to let my frustration out on Sharon. I got no one else to talk my problems to because all my bestfriends are not around anymore, and Sharon is the closest person I got and whom I can trust only. I feel bad and guilty that I got her really upset at time like this, because I get out of control with all the problems around me. I tried to get hold of myself together, but I'm constantly on the edge of falling off from the cliff. It is tough to hang on but I just gotta hold on. I know Sharon has been mad and upset, but I know I can make it up to her when I overcome all my problems. I truly enjoy her companionship and most of all her caring, she just means so much to me and more than anything. But I hope I can pull this through so she won't have to suffer again, so do I. Sigh, so many things yet so little time.