Life Rewritten

As I lay down my fingers on this keyboard, there're just too much to write about and too much goin' up in my head. Life? What is it now? Somehow, it is pretty hard for me to tell what it is exactly, but only able to find the meaning of it. And I guess, the only way to do that is to live through it.

Sometimes, don't you have that sense of something tend to blindfold your life? It's a sort of feeling that exist between both worlds I believe, it feels that way. Emotion? Just feelings maybe, but it is best felt when searching for direction. Somehow, this feeling leads the way.

And, I find myself now feeling a little uncomfortable with my surroundings. I began to ask if the world has evolved, as I wonder, or perhaps turned the other way round. There're times I am at peace and ease, yet there're times I'm caught in the middle of Titan's clashes. It is difficult to justify why and how but unknowingly it has a purpose, and that purpose is to live.

It has been days that I wonder my past, reminiscing those journeys I have walked. I wonder where to start as I'm writing this, it's a little too vast. But somehow it's gotta start somewhere, perhaps Triathlete?

The journey has been long by far, and every step has been a dream coming true. I am glad that I did not take a giant leap back then, but it has all gone gradually stages by stages. I guess I am just right on the plan of destiny. 2009 was the greatest, but it was just the beginning of everything.

Then comes this year, it has always been my wish to be a sponsored Triathlete, and somehow this has finally came true recently. Out of expectations, I kept my hope low, I didn't think so much about it, not till the numerous calls I received on sponsorships, it was overwhelmed. So I got what I wanted all along, a racing carbon roadbike with racing carbon wheelset as well, in conclusion I am geared up to the next level. And, being the only triathlete from Miri ever to be sponsored, I feel my hardwork over the years are paid off.

But somehow, I just don't feel too excited or happy about it. Instead, I feel numb and nothing special. In way, I have got what I wanted all along and now what? Moving on to the next level is one thing, but there has been something being left behind, something from years ago.

I remember it was that time on a hot afternoon, we were just chit chat like usual as we always did everyday. Her smile, I can't forget no matter how will just bounce back to me. In her soft voice, I remember well, she said "Laling, I believe you can achieve what you want. Pray to God for it and have faith, because Laling you can do it, just like Nike." and till these days this verse of her's has finally surface once again.

Her support meant so much to me back then, and it was looking forward to be with the future as well. Yet sadly, her blessings have been with me but not her by my side. It meant more than just a person who loves and cares, it was the life blessings she has given which have given me the spirit to achieve so much.

Should I be happy that I have got what I wanted all along without her? I feel it is meaningless. Without you, it no longer means anything. I lived this for us and myself, and now I live it alone by myself and no one to share my joy. Years been gone, your memory still remains and that love of your has never been forgotten yet forgiven.

My dad asked, why didn't I seem to be extremely excited and happy when I got my sponsored gears. I was speechless, I couldn't answer because I felt nothing at all. Even my dad noticed that I have been different, according to him I would be cheering around with my achievement. And, I guess I just couldn't help it to keep it quiet to myself but to no one else.

She is no longer y my side for all these years, and I have achieved much without her. Her supports and blessings have always stayed with me, and will always be I believe. Those were the strength that have been carrying me through, and no one could again give what she has given. It was truly a gift of Heaven. I know she won't be seeing what I have got, she probably doesn't wanna bother anyway. But I thank her still for all she has given.

So what is next for me is to move forward, and live along as I should. Sometimes I feel I am stuck in the past, but however those pasts serve to be lessons of my improvement. I have regained my strength slowly and gently, and I believe I will make it to even better.

Life lives, and I live. For I breath, and I walk. I see the horizon beyond, and I see the stars above. This is my life once more, and I am back even better.