The Freedom to Live

2012 - Bienvenue!

2011-12-31T02:04:00.000-08:00

I lived, I came, I saw of 2011.

The past is written, and a memory to be kept.

The future is unwritten,

It is uncertain,

It is unknown.

For 2012,

There is only 3 words;

Live, Love, Life.

Happy New Year, everyone.

The Dogs

2011-12-13T17:21:00.000-08:00

这世上真的有狗男女...!

I guess this is really a doggy dog world after all.

A dog will always be a dog, a bitch will always be a bitch.

Running around the streets on the lose for affair and lust.

All the lies, the drama, the fake.

The outcast of the class, bunch of cheapskates.

They may think they are on top, but they are down at the bottom whoring.

Dogs and Sluts.

Not Over You

2011-12-12T01:29:00.000-08:00

If you ask me how I'm doin I would say I'm doin just fine,
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind,
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two,
And finally I'm forced to face the truth.
No matter what they say, I'm not over you,
Not over you...

Cruel...

2011-12-08T18:05:00.001-08:00

Why? I got myself asking why...

Why must you be so cruel to me?

I can't seem to find the answer...

I loved you, I did...

Did you know?

I missed you, and I still do...

Do you know?

I gave you my everything...

Have you felt it?

I let you into my life...

Blame me silly, like you always do?

I guess there is nothing good in me for you to see.

How could you do this to me?

I never treated you this way...

But how could you?

Is this how granted I am?

Take me as you like?

Take me as you want?

It hurts the most to know and to be left...

Do you know how it feels?

Maybe you don't...

Because you don't know how it feels to love someone whole heartedly and be left with betrayal and cruelty.

Is this what I deserve?

You said expect nothing, seems like expect nothing means I am nothing to you.

All the while,

All the time,

All the moments....

I gave you my all,

and this is me now...

Nobody...

Nothing...

Empty...

but Pain...

给我你的爱

2011-12-03T00:25:00.001-08:00

五个月前, 我們手拉著手不放開.

五个月后, 我們还是手拉著手不放開.

給我你的愛讓我陪著你去未來.

給我你的愛手拉著手不放開.

就算宇宙爆炸海水都蒸發.

只願你的記憶裡有我的擁抱.

我的最大幸褔是發現了我愛你.

靈魂有了意義用每一天珍惜.

五个月

2011-11-28T23:53:00.001-08:00

五个月前,

您的一句话问...

"你是否相信一见钟情吗?"

但后来,

我们...被分开.

五个月来,

风风雨雨已经过了.

五个月后,

前世的我们再次返回相遇.

晴天到了,

再次碰上...是一个命运的美梦成真.

希望这次, 不再分开.

希望这次,

能安心的永不分离的相遇.

你不在...

2011-11-24T03:36:00.001-08:00

当世界只剩下这床头灯你那边是早晨已经出门

我侧身感到你在转身无数陌生人正在等下一个绿灯

一再错身彼此脆弱的时分如果渴望一个吻的余温

我关了灯黑暗把我拼吞

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

无尽等待像独白的难挨

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

我受了伤在偷偷好起来但你不在不在

时间再按下许多次快门沉默里听见转动的秒针

一个人吃饭这个凌晨孤单一人份你低声说你有别人

我的话筒只有自己的体温怎样认真也不一定成真

你说的对我不得不承认

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

无尽等待像独白的难挨

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

我受了伤再偷偷好起来但你不在

那些摇摆我都明白都明白

但你不在爱已不在不在

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

一个人分饰两角的恋爱

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

像空气般不存在再没有痕迹的爱

你不在当我需要你的爱你不在

凌晨

2011-11-21T19:58:00.001-08:00

凌晨, 我睡不着...

原来有些东西, 不是说删除就能删除的.

我真的有很努力的去忘记...

不要去想.

看着你写给我的信息,

很想念你...

我也很想哭,

可是眼泪流不出来...

眼泪...

我知道我不应该这样,

有些事情，过了就是过了.

在怎样挽留, 怎样留念...

都回不去...

你说对不对? 曾经...

我恨过,

我爱过...

你.

不甘心, 埋怨,

可是到最后,

我开始去接受...

不过, 我仍然感到伤心欲绝...

想念你,

爱你.

Jason Derulo - It Girl

2011-11-21T04:21:00.001-08:00

You could be it, girl ;)

Tyga - Far Away ft. Chris Richardson

2011-11-21T03:38:00.001-08:00

If I could turn back,

If I could make it right,

I’d do just that.

Cause she’s far far away,

And I’d do anything just to see her face.

But she’s far far away,

Walk a thousand miles just to see her smile again.

Sittin’ on a plane,

Reminscing back when I made that mistake,

I wish it never ended with a heartbreak,

Now your heart broken, tears in ya face,

Ask myself why, looking at the sky,

If I could turn back I’d make it all right,

Praying that you better but its' still stormy weather,

Don’t wanna let go but the rain won't let up,

Now you gone, still thinking 'bout you everyday,

And I know feelings was hurt and you can blame me but,

I’m sorry for the games that I played,

But now it’s too late,

And now she’s...

Far far away...

And, I miss you...

.....

Forget, not.

2011-11-20T08:45:00.001-08:00

Do not forget your own place,

Do not forget where you stand,

Do not forget the journey came along,

Do not forget the will within your stand.

Neither forget what was once to be,

Neither forget what was once meant so,

Neither forget what was once being thought,

Neither forget what was once a promise.

Never forget the words that made,

Never forget the soul that entwined,

Never forget the synchronization of all,

Never forget the ever after.

Will not forget the will was made,

Will not forget the given of give,

Will not forget the shall that be,

Will not forget the being of made in promise.

Shall not forget promises meant,

Shall not forget emptiness meant,

Shall not forget my place in your's,

Shall not forget your place in mine.

Do not forget what once being shared,

Do not forget what once being cared,

Do not forget what once being angered,

Do not forget what once being loved.

Do not forget, shall there be forgiveness always...

By Anonymous J.Y

Sunday - Worst Day!

2011-11-20T03:27:00.001-08:00

I really dislike Sunday, I mean I used to hate it a lot but recent months I got myself quite liking Sunday when there was a person you could spend time with. But now, that syndrome is back again! Sunday is really fucking killing me slowly inside. It feels like forever to be in a Sunday, everything just seems to have disappear or time passing by too slow. What the hell is going on?!?!? Sunday is a madness!

The most favourite day of the week for me is Monday, I love Monday more than anyone else could ever imagine. It is the day that starts everything, like feeling a rebirth and brand new sensation. I love Monday, so don't hate it though I know many people complain about Monday blues. Go the hell with it because you don't know how it feels to be stuck in boredom on a Sunday! I rather get busy and filled myself up with things to do. Maybe it is because I am still young, energetic and restless. So perhaps, some day I might like Sunday once again.

Life without you has been different for a Sunday, it is much more lonely than before. I can't help myself thinking that I have a day all by myself doing nothing, though I still workout and hang around at the bikeshop, yet that meant nothing because there is no companionship. I love my training, yet even on a Sunday now I do not have the mood to train! I hate this feeling, like Sunday seems to be forever, it's just not getting me right enough to live a day! Sleep, I did sleep for a long nap in the afternoon, still that made things worse by getting me feeling so dull and sober - I woke up like feeling "What the hell? It's Sunday afternoon and I'm bored." - I just wanna get busy yet I can't seem to find anything else better to do.

I got a list of what I can and would do on a Sunday:

- Training (Morning & Afternoon): Training alone gets boring!

- Nap: I could sleep all day long and still feeling bored!

- Laundry: I get them done too quickly and still I feel bored!

- Housework: Too easy and I still bored after that!

- Watch TV: TV just makes me feeling even more sober, bored!

- Online: The worst thing ever to do on a Sunday and there has been no one to chat with, bored!

- Blog: The only way to speak my heart out, not too bad!

So you see, I get bored really quick, like extremely quick. I've been through so many challenges in my life and it feels like nothing is ever more challenging, though I know there will be more challenges to come, but anyway, I'm prepared and ready to deal with it. So what else can I do????????? Shopping spree? Nothing ever to buy in Miri, other than hanging out in Starbucks and fall asleep on the couch in public. I still do hang out with my friends on a Sunday, and men's talk are nothing seriously, it's like talking over nothing and ends with nothing and nothing. Dating? Haven't really thought about it for a Sunday, so not in the idea.

I am starting to think that my Blog is my bestfriend now, in a way, because it is the only place I can speak my heart out. There is no one else in the world to listen to me, everybody is busy with their own life or so, and I am happy to all my friends who are either married or attached; you guys are blessed! But I'm feeling lucky enough that no one really reads my blog, so I say whatever I want and wish to. There're ups and downs, but most of the time I will just spill it out, or certain matters I wouldn't. Sunday huh? I guess I need to plan out my Sunday more efficiently compare to other days.

Home alone! That is the worst part now having the whole family away and leaving the house to me only! I am seriously screaming my head off like there is no tomorrow! I need to do my own laundry for 2 weeks, cook my own meals for 2 weeks, clean up the house by myself for 2 weeks, and guard the house for 2 weeks! How pathetic is this while everyone else is enjoying themselves? This is not right, taking care of the house is not challenging at all because I am being left...ALONE! Well, there's a Cat and a Dog. Oh my God, I just don't know what else to do with myself other than facing up the wall. I can't wait for my time to come to travel, I need to break free - we're soaring, we're flying! With me being left alone by everyone else, life is just so horrible - it's a fuckin' nightmare!!!

But overall, to come and think about it, there is a bright side to it. I may be bored, left alone, left with nothing, and all by myself. At least, I feel I am at peace - there is no war, no trouble, no disaster. I just feel fine, left alone in peace, very quiet, and untouchable. It feels...HARMONIC! Being alone feels like a blessed sometimes, even though it feels really boring and lonely, yet it is really peaceful like there is nothing to bother and to be disturbed about. I smiled at myself again today by the pool, and somehow I just said to myself "I'm fine, I'm just feelin' fine..." whatever that got me saying this I had no idea, it felt like saying so because I'm alone.

So I'm coming home, but there is no baby to call, there is no love to hug, no dinner ready, no cuddle to wake me up in the morning. It's just me by myself all alone, and I wish you were here, still.

Enjoy the new song on a Sunday!

Coincident?

2011-11-19T23:07:00.001-08:00

Recently, a colleague of mine got admitted to the hospital in a manner of sudden on Thursday afternoon. I wasn't in the office that time because I was out meeting the whole day till 12am!!!!! Yes, the longest meeting I've ever had in a day! So then, on Friday I was told that he had some chest pain problem so he had to be rushed to the hospital.

He left his laptop and personal belongings in the office, which I was surprised to see. The other guys were kind enough to pack everything for him, and nothing was stolen. Then, suddenly there was a money collection envelope going around the office and to my discover that it was him, who got admitted to hospital, then grandmother had passed away. That was pretty weird because it all seemed to happen too sudden at the same time.

So I didn't really bother to ask what's going on because I never wanna get involved in anything with anybody in a work place. It is just my policy of being so, because work is work, whatever is outside the circle of work you're nobody to me. That is just one of the way of keeping your personal relationship distant away at work, so nobody could accuse you for anything, like suck up.

Then, it came yesterday, I was just surfing Facebook as usual at home, since I had nothing more to do. Bloody hell, speaking of yesterday I woke up for nothing to go to MCOT because the engineers did not turn out, what a waste of my time! So I ended having good breakfast and a good chat at the usual place again, that made my morning beautiful.

So while I was in Facebook, I realized my colleague's girlfriend has a new boyfriend...! I was puzzled at first, really confused, stunned, eyes wide opened, and really thought if it was a joke or something. My colleague and his girlfriend have been together for over 3 years now, if I am not mistaken, she works in Shell and he works in WSB. She frequently fetched him for lunch, or some times from work, they are always seen together sweetly and happily anyway. I think at some point, they've already planned to get married. So, in her Facebook, it says she's in a relationship with a new guy. Many people commented on it because they were shocked. Then I realized my colleague and her are no longer connected in Facebook anymore, so I guess I might be able to imagine what has been going on.

I looked at my colleague's Facebook today, there were concerns on him and asked if he is fine. But obviously he's not so he commented that he's not. I didn't bother to add him because I do not add colleagues to my Facebook, so they won't know what I am up to! So after seeing what has happened to my colleague, I felt kinda sad for him as well because I have been going through the same thing as he did, except that his grandmother passed away and my aunt did not. I hope he did not do anything silly, because he is a really nice person and a smart engineer, and he deserves much better. I am not sure if I will see him in office on Monday, but I just hope that he can be strong enough to pull this through.

Now that I have learnt I am not alone facing such pain in this world, and knowing that people who serves cruelty are getting more, I am no longer afraid to walk my way in the path of the light. People can be selfish for their own benefits, and not considering about others. But I guess these are the passer-by who will eventually teach us a lesson to be stronger and better person. They can pull a lot of pain on us, sometimes it hardly even allows us to breath, and helplessly, but they can never kill the dignity and will in us. They may think they are the most perfect kind in the world, but again, the most superior is God and only He can judge - and not you to lay your lies. There is always a playbook named Karma, if you choose to live with regrets then it is, if not then it is never too late. I forgive those who have done and said things about me, but whether you forgive yourself or not, I wish you would because it is for your own will. Do not feel guilty for your own action, for it is the choice you have made. Only to find courage in yourself to make things right, that will be the savior of yourself. Then again, those who are selfish and heartless - je n'aime pas qui vous êtes, mais vous êtes un idiot putain! Life has a choice, choose it wisely.

Last night, I was enjoying my movie not till somebody text me at late night. I have not heard anything from this girl, "J", for a long time, so I was kinda surprised to see her message. The first thing she asked is if I know some guy name "L", then I told her I do and he's a good friend of mine. The next reply she gave me was that she made out with him at the bar. I was kinda surprised she would do that, because "L" is married with two kids. Well, we all know "L" was kinda playful before and got caught red handed by his wife previously and never thought he would start cheating again. I told "J" to back off because she really needs to do so and stop seeing him, because "L's" wife get really crazy if she knows about this. I hope "J" will take my advice seriously and not crossing the line, even if she does there is nothing I can do. "L" will always be who he is, I guess we know him too well. And "J", she is in desperation for a new guy and keep asking me if I know anyone to introduce her to. I hate this, because I am not a match-making person!

But again, what's up with all the cheating going on these days? Are people too bored? I just don't get it, everybody wants to be pleased and not everybody is born to please! Is this society getting sick or what? People needs to learn to appreciate all the little things and not taking everything for granted. Everybody has a soul and heart - gotta respect if you wanna be treated the same as well. Everyone is everyone else's child and family, and it is never the right thing to hurt them badly. Overall, has everything been happening coincidentally? Maybe yes or maybe no, as far as I know, I am praying for better days and hopefully this pain and loneliness will go away some day.

Life is short, live it to the fullest and don't take it for granted. For what it's worth, it is how much you have given in to the life that is given to you. Live =)

Sometimes...

2011-11-18T21:32:00.001-08:00

Here I am, got myself wondering about my life once more, or more than ever. Sometimes I just do not know myself anymore after all these years, and I do ask myself if this is part of life's growing cycle - I still have not found and an answer, as I have never searched. I feel that, sometimes, there are things that going around in life just shouldn't be knew. And, it is really best to have gone pass by whatever there is in life like a train, even if it means of passing by the good things. Well, I don't know what I'm saying actually so consider I am just being lost and confused.

There's been much going on lately, especially on Thursday, something just really happened out of my expectation - which I had no clues at all. I was surprised and stunned to be honest, I didn't know what to do as well, just point blank. I received 2 calls on the same day, totally unexpected - first call came in the morning and the other in the afternoon - then I met these callers for the appointment. Out of nowhere, no idea, not knowing how, I received two jobs offered for at managerial level. I was blown out of words and really didn't know what to say, because I have never applied to these companies before and not a word about wanting to work for them. And for some reason, which I do not know, the offers were 10 times better than what I have been doing. But still, at this point, I have not decided anything yet because Y.I is operating smoothly and I would like to strengthen my focus on it. Perhaps, I still have plenty of time to decide given that December is a long holiday, I have till January.

Does things actually happen out of expectation? Sometimes, I wonder. But I'll never know the answer because I would not seek for it. After all that I have been through lately, tremendous among of challenges, I am still here and good things turn out of no where.So I guess everything happens for a reason, a reason which I do not know at all. No one knows how it feels to be in my shoes, my life, my destiny - it's easier to say rather than act on it - but one needs to know by living and realizing it, and not just words. I do not find myself lucky, happy, lively or so. At this stage, I consider myself nothing and just nothing at all. I am nobody to anything that I have been, it is just me down inside here.

So what is it gonna be next? I have no idea, no plan, just nothing by myself. Sometimes, I just thought it would be better to leave life and let it aside. My soul needs a break from hell. And, it is clear that I have not been seen in a cheerful manner too. I only have yogurt drink to fill me up everyday, just no appetite to eat, and it's the only drink that makes me feel better. Training has been good and painful, I guess it is the only left for me to do to find myself back in pieces, and it does not concern the cost of it at all. I hope for nothing, and I fear for nothing - down insides, somehow, there is a courage in me to live through everything. I may not be the strongest person in the world, but at least I am human enough to make mistakes and learn the lesson.

Sometimes, I guess life is just like cycling - there is the good day then there is the bad day. On a good day, the ride goes nice and smooth. On a bad day, I could crash like I'd never imagined. Tough luck it is in my life, and I don't claim myself to be happy or so when I am still in exiled. Time will get it through a window on emptiness, only one shall find the key by the window to the vision beyond.

It is Saturday, sometimes, and it is the most favourite day of my life. Yet, I do not know what I am doing here and just wondering nothing. I guess for some reason, I am still here living for another tomorrow.

What's it gonna be? Just sometimes...

Iris

2011-11-17T19:58:00.001-08:00

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,

Or the moment of truth in your lies,

When everything seems like the movies,

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,

Cause I don't think that they'd understand,

When everything's made to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am.

Hypocrites

2011-11-14T17:22:00.001-08:00

Here is something that I think I shall spill, since latelysomebody has been quite a hypocrite or...totally HYPOCRITE! I'm not gonnamention her name her, but probably most of my reader will know who I am talkingabout, and if you don't you can either just take it as a story or ask me aboutit. But as for you, the hypocrite, if you're reading I gotta say that you're abig disappointment to me!

What's a friend when a friend hears you out? What's a friendwhen a friend cares for you? And, what's a friend when a friend does not keepyour secrets at all? I guess that is a friend who is a friend of another friendthat has a friend's friend and able to friend for another friend. After allthese years, you have always been a true friend to me since the beginning, whomI trusted and believed.

But now, all that friendship we've had seems to be fallingapart. I always believed that there is something good about you, in fact youwere when I just met you, but I guess over the years you have changed and I'mnot the only one who says that, so as the others. But having you around foryears I appreciate that you have been there for me through my hard times. Yetlately, I am so surprised that you shared something that I only told you and noone else was supposed to know.

How disappointed am I? Very! Even though I know that you'requite busybody and love knowing what others do and gossip a lot, but you'venever treated me this way in the past. How could you? Well, maybe it is truethat people changes and you can't expect them to be the same. Yes, not thesame, but at least have some dignity for yourself so that others will respectyou. All these while, everyone talks about how bad you are and it has been hardfor me to listen. I still thought she always wanted to condemn you in front ofme, which she did, and I had to bear it though I still believed you're not whatshe said.

You really mean a lot to me, my good friend. I remember allthe hard times I had and you were always there for me to hear me out. But, whydo you have to tell her my stuffs that I only shared to you? It's for you tokeep and not for her to know, nor anyone else. I really have no idea whatyou're thinking, another gossips? So you can show her how good you are as afriend to her? Look, it's not making anything better because I feel bad that Itrusted someone and yet that someone betrayed my trust.

I've never cheated on her, though you know how many times Itried to move on...3 times in total! You were there to help me out telling me Ishould really move on and let go of her, since she has already been treating mebadly. But now what? You're flipping the right side of the story to her just tomake her feel better about her lies...? Look, what you've done for me in thepast I really appreciate them. But this, this sort of hypocrite I can't acceptit – because it is making you looking like a pretender to me.

I always cared about you as well, do you know that? Eventhough she didn't like it, told me off and scolded me that I shouldn't care foryou but her only, I still cared about you because you're a friend who means alot to me. But right now after she has left me with all the broken words shemade, then I found out she's not the only one as well. You understood me well,don't you? But yet, it seems like you only do things for others to impress themto value the friendship, even if it means to betray. This bad, ya know? I gottatell you this because someday you're gonna be treated the same by someone else.

I mean, look, what goes around comes around, and I am prettysure you know this well since you're a Catholic girl. You go to church everySunday, yet from Monday till Saturday you're not living a Catholic life as youshould be. You think God is gonna forgive you over and over again when you'retaking his forgiveness for granted only? Read your bible and perhaps you willknow more. But again, if you don't want anybody to treat you the way you did,please make a change now before it's too late. There is still time to correctyourself and be a better person. You may be a hypocrite to me now and to mostpeople, but as a friend, still, I am here to tell you that please make a changefor yourself because this is really for your own good.

She may have done something bad to me, and I let go and ableto move on. But as for you, you don't have to be like her because theconsequence will not be good. I pray that you will be a better person andhopefully you can wake up from it. What is she to you when she backstab you thewhole time? Trust me, I know and it's not like you do not have other friends.

Take your time and think about what you've done. I am nothating you here, I just thought that you should know what you've done is wrong.Remember to forgive yourself, and only then you can make the world a betterplace for yourself.

A Diary of Another Day

2011-11-14T04:57:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, I did not turn up for PBC Triathlon 2012 which was the first time that I've ever missed. I just didn't feel like competing at all, felt kinda fatigue still and wasn't really in the condition to race. My mum nagged about it when she got home to find out I was not racing and still chilling at home, I was just enjoying my Saturday morning. So I have given it a missed this year, no big deal because there is still next year anyway. Happy training ahead for me!

My Saturday went rather quiet, and decided to hang out with some friends. I went for a test drive in Volkswagen Polo, it's a really nice small car I must say. The acceleration was great, and powerful! But that got me to find out Honda has a new hybrid named Honda CR-Z, it's a sport coupe version which I think I like it very much. But too bad there is no demo car in Miri; it's either you buy it then you see it, or you don't see it at all.

But I got shocked when I received a call from my brother to know that my aunt got hospitalized, so I quickly rushed to the hospital for a visit. It looks like there are too many things going on lately, and the weight on my shoulder just get heavier and falling off. Nothing is ever easy for sure, I guess this is life and I am just living the way it should be - learning to be tougher when the tougher is trying to get you. I feel the pain in every aspect of life, but those pain really got me going to be better. So, I know I will survive because I'm a survivor.

And, guess what? I actually sang for the first time since months and months ago. It was a last minute plan actually, after dinner. I must say my singing was really bad, but her singing was the best, like the best singing I've ever heard of. She could pull that high pitch up into the air and I just went jaw dropped and "Aawwwww!" - no doubt, if she could sing for 7 hours and I bet she could sing any songs better than anyone else. Overall, it was an unforgettable Saturday night - really fun and good to chill.

I am still finding myself losing a lot weight as far as the training is concerned. It's been hard and definitely pushing myself to the wall. I know what I am going through and I just gotta get through it. If I can make it again this time, I know I can make it better. There is no giving up in the liberation of my soul, I know what's ahead and I will get what I want. I only have one goal, one dream and one destiny - it is just me, alone, taking this challenge to a step further. Pain is nothing, quitting is forever, suffer now and it will get better later.

In God's hand I trust, my faith lies in the path of my own. I've walked the path long enough to look back and say I've done it, and I will do it again in the resurrection of my freedom. Let's take this to another level, because I am born for it!

The Far Side

2011-11-11T06:46:00.001-08:00

There is always something about the horizon, and it never feels too far away. Another cold weather today, a peaceful day I must say - so I headed out to the beach right after work for a swim. The swimmers were there too, because there is a triathlon tomorrow, which I won't be competing surprisingly for the first time. I guess I am just not really in the mood to compete, so I will just stick to my training as it is. It has been awhile since I last did a real sea swim, so I couldn't really expect how the condition would be today.

When I got to the beach, it turn out to be looking fine and slightly come. But never let the ocean's wave trick you, because from shore there is a huge difference by just looking at it. But I had the confident that the current wouldn't be too rough by looking at the pattern of the wave and tide.We went off as soon as we got stretched, and the moment I set my feet into the cold sand and sea water - that very moment - I felt I've came home to the ocean. The ocean has always been a placed I grew up with, and it never felt strange or remote to me. It always feels so warmth and comfortable to be in it, which I love it so much.

So we began to swam, as far as we could, since the weather was good. There were waves about 2 feet, not a very high swell, yet the tide was falling and rip curl was quite strong.I really had fun swimming in the ocean, especially when the high wave came, then suddenly I was getting caught in the rip curl while swimming half way through. For a moment, I was spinning around vigorously like getting twisted all around, there was no harm to me because beneath was just pure sand and no reef. While getting spin by rip curl, it felt kinda fun actually because it was totally unexpected and I was getting caught in it all of a sudden. But I was able to regain myself quickly because never ever panic if something happens, just remain calm and in control. Within moments I got myself back into swimming through my way to the 1.5km mark.I gotta say that the waves were good enough for surfing today, I was telling myself I should really have a surfboard and it is useful during a monsoon season like this - it's fun! So when we got to the 1.5km mark, we took a break just to loosen up a bit. I felt I could go further and reach the 2.5km mark, but I guess not today since I got junior swimmers with me to be taken care of. So after a few minutes of rest, we headed back to where we started then our swim will be in total of 3km.

As I swam back, I was breathing on my right most of the time so, pretty much, I was looking at the beautiful horizon of sundown. The horizon was appearing at purple-orange in color, how I wish I had a camera with me, but I couldn't carry any. While swimming and looking at the horizon, it got me feeling in the middle of the ocean and in full freedom. It feels really different to be in the ocean, because it is a whole different that you just don't feel on land. But when I turn to breathe on the left side, I could see the shore and it felt different - no freedom. It is a whole alienated world down there in the ocean, it is filled with wonders, harmony and peace. The horizon got me wondering the far side of it, though I know it is another country, yet Atlantis existed once.

The ocean is truly my home, I love being in water - I feel resurrected each time I get to swim in the freely. It is a world that has no boundary, you may go as far as you want. So we finished our swim at 3km in total, it was really a good session. The last time I swam like this was in 2007 where Jason and Nic were still around, and we would swim on every Friday. Ever since then they had transferred, no one else swam with me again, but not till now. It looks like I'm gonna do this weekly again, and it's really good training.

I love the Ocean, Poseidon is my Lord. It is Freedom that I live for, then it is Freedom that I find.

Ice Lemon Tea

2011-11-10T17:42:00.001-08:00

Here is a little catch that I have gotten lately, it was a late night conversation I came across which I found it amusing. I always enjoy a good cold glass of ice lemon tea on a hot day, but never thought someone else would enjoy the same as well.

Thus, that is how the conversation began, which she gave even better description about it. I must say, her words really ran through my mind and throat got me feeling the luxurious refreshing sensation of Ice Lemon Tea.

So here's an accounted story of her's, using iPhone I believe;

I don’t consider myself a fan of Ice Lemon Tea. The words just came out naturally from my mouth whenever a waiter or waitress approaches me. You ask me why?

First, the name itself is easy to call for. “Ice Lemon Tea” sounds nice isn’t it? Try reading it with me. Whenever you read it, you’ll feel refreshing, sweet, healthy and even romantic. You ask, why romantic? Try reading it in a high tone. It sounds like calling your honey or darling, isn’t it?

Secondly, most people want to drink tea as a substitute for coffee. As tea itself is tasteless, instead of troubling yourself in adding sugar in it, call for “Ice Lemon Tea”. To choose a substitute drink, you might as well choose a total opposite taste of drink. Coffee is bitter and smelly, whereas “Ice Lemon Tea” is sweet and sour.

Thirdly, let’s discuss about the feeling in more details when you drink “Ice Lemon Tea”. First sip from it, you’ll go “ahhhhhh”. Second sip from it, you’ll go “double ahhhhhh”. When you reach to the 3rd sip, you’ll end up flying. How else better can you describe about another drink other than “Ice Lemon Tea”?
Lastly and the most important point for all the girls, is that “Ice Lemon Tea” is not fattening and it’s healthy.

I know I still sound like a fan of “Ice Lemon Tea” from this message. But please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not a fan. I’m an addict.

From,
The Ice Lemon Tea Addict!

There goes the Lemon addict, which is one of a healthy lifestyle I must say. She's very right about it, no doubt, and that “ahhhhh” and double “ahhhhhh” do really happen each time you take a sip out of it. That sweetness and sourness just get you in the tongue all the time, feels like life has just been lifted up by a magic portion.

Never have I thought, I would be writing about this. But the reason being is a single glass of Ice Lemon Tea does get me wonder how it reflects the life I live. Sweet? Sour? Cold? Chilling? Refreshing? Bitter? Best decribe as it is when you drink, that's how life has been running.

This got me thinking about Lemon itself as well, it's yellow, and whenever I see a Lemon it would get me smiling knowing that I got sunshine in my life just as bright as the color of it. The refreshness in Lemon does really boost up your life, it gets you to feel free and new from that refreshness. Thus, take each day as a new beginning of everything, because the only easy day was yesterday, the present day is a gift of life, tomorrow holds no worry but mystery of emptiness. There's not much to bother about what's coming ahead, because if you worry too much of the future you may miss the train that's gonna get you somewhere now.

What matters most in the present moment, knowing that you're fine and still living. Take time to appreciate everything that is going on around you, just like that every moment you take a sip of ice lemon tea which really smooth the mood. Nothing comes and go as it is, because everything happens for a reason – I will not know the reason, but as I go on in Life I will find myself living just a Life. Everything happens at any moment and anywhere, we'll never know what are the good chances or bad bad chances that are gonna past us by.

So grab every moment of now that is surrounding you, knowing that you're still fine and alive. What are the chances around you? You may have to see it yourself, then take time and realize. Knowing is never good enough, because understanding only comes from realization, and realization comes from patience, then patience comes from your inner self. We often tell everyone that we know and yet we would act differently, carelessness you call it? Not at all, appreciate the time you have around you and do realize what's going on all around, then you will be able to seek for what you search.

Ice Lemon Tea, anyone? It is a beautiful day today, and right now I am feeling refreshing than ever. What about you? Take your life for a walk, and you will find the brightness of the sun is never too far away.

Jojo - Disaster

2011-11-10T06:19:00.001-08:00

Relationships can be a Disaster in Life...

When You're Gone...

2011-11-10T06:09:00.001-08:00

When you're gone,
The pieces of my heart are missing you.
When you're gone,
The face I came to know is missing too.
When you're gone,
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok.
I miss you...

Slack-a-Day!

2011-11-10T04:34:00.001-08:00

I've barely done anything today, obviously I am procrastinating whatever that's supposed to be done. It's been rainy this morning, and I had quite a good sleep last night, I guess I am feeling better for now. I got to the office as usual, and wanted to clear out my financial statement for the project's final cost. Yet, I couldn't do so because my laptop has been previously installed with Open Office and got Microsoft Office removed due to licensing matters, so everything in my file has turned into crap!

I got pissed about it so I didn't bother to do anything, and went out from the office straight at 8a.m sharp to head for breakfast. I got there earlier than my friend did, but nothing to worry because it was a rainy weather. I had a good morning breakfast of bread and milk tea in the coffee shop, and usually I spent about an hour or two in that coffee shop - what a way to slack from work! But I have almost been out from the office all day long today.

I watched her play Minesweeper today, I gotta admit that she's way too good in it. I couldn't really catch how she analysed the grid that fast, but for sure it's got something to do with really good in reading numbers. I am still struggling with my own minesweeper, but I'm not giving up so will fight till the end.

Everyone in the office is creating rumors about me joining other company, so it is kinda funny to see how people go gossip about it when my resignation has been announced. There has been many speculations on my departure from this company, everybody is trying hard to know what I will be doing next. Obviously, I am not that stupid enough to disclose everything so I keep my mouth shut and going for my holiday. These people can rumor all they want, because I don't care at all and not gonna bother anything about it.

I had a good training today, rather relax I must say because yesterday I had a hard session so today I decided to take it easy. I went out for an easy relax bike ride around the neighborhood with company, that made my evening a beautiful one. I had a very relax swim after that, and I guess I am partly prepared for the triathlon this weekend though I am still not sure if I will race.

I am feeling better today, my baby steps have been improving gradually. So I guess I am really looking towards the future. What lies ahead may be a mystery, but I know there's gotta be something good about it. Either way, good or bad, it will always be a lesson in life to be better and stronger. And, ya know what? My better is better than you better!

A Good Run

2011-11-09T04:56:00.000-08:00

Brilliant, totally magnificent! I was feeling quite weak again today, but my training on the track turn out to be exceptionally unexpected - GOOD! I did a 45mins run for a start, with a consistent pace of 4.30mins. Then, followed by 5 sets of 800m stride at 4mins pace. I haven't done such a long training to be honest, only did it during my peak performance 2 years ago.

So today, I just felt like I need to extent my training to higher level then I will be able to improve - no pain no gain! The 45mins run turn out well, but 5 of 800m was quite hard at first yet it felt greater as the set went by. I clocked the time at around 3.30mins for every 800m, quite an effort to maintain actually. But today's training I have learned to control and pushed myself further.

I felt good after training, but I was in a desperation for energy drink so I rushed home quickly, besides I was really hungry too. Radka and Hary dropped by for their last training in Miri today, it was really nice to see them again. I had a very good conversation with both of them, Hary showed me some good supports for 2012's season. We're looking forward to meet in Germany and Czech Republic next year, it will be good to race and training again with them.

My comeback has been progressing well by far, though body is still weak, yet I am slowly gaining the strength I need for triathlon. But I am not training, I feel horribly weak and blur. I guess I need to get my heart pumping and adrenaline gushing through my body to stay alive. I think I will be ready by December, since my base training has been going well by far. Then, I will be able to resume full training in December which I am looking forward to so much!

My handphone has been giving me a huge problem lately, the battery just seem to run out really quick! It's been annoying because I would to charge it every 6 hours! My bill is very high this month, the highest I have ever used by far, it's over RM300 now! But DiGi has done a big favour by extending the credit limit. I guess it is a good thing to be a loyal customer for using the same number and service for 10 years now so every privilege is given. DiGi attended my request efficiently, though I was given choices to change the plan. But I will just wait till my Blackberry comes end of this month, then will only make a change of plan service.

It has been rather quiet today, but everything went quite well. I was in Petronas this afternoon for the final contractual meeting, and finally everything has been clarified and cleared off from my shoulder. I am a freeman! Right on the 30th November, it will be my last day in Wehaya and shall be able to leave peacefully. It has been 4 weeks since I last spoke to Boss, and today I did and bet he was surprised that I talked to him. No hard feelings, we're all employees of the industry and bound to have clashes!

I got myself busy with the phone all day long and had really good laugh. Every seconds count, and even though I was in the meeting I didn't realize I was texting all the way while having important discussions. I guess stars are in the sky even it is daylight!

Minesweeper Deal!

2011-11-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

So, the challenge is ON! I am getting my head crack on minesweeper, finally. I gotta admit this game is tough, not an easy one to play. It's all NUMERIC! A skillful hand with numbers would definitely be a good winner for this game though. And together with that, a good memory does the best trick too.

What was I thinking taking up this challenge? I could have just accepted her offer to show me how she plays it, but on second thought I refuse. I like to learn things my own way so I get better idea and understand of it. Besides, I have plenty of time to play this puzzled-numeric-kaboom game. One week is the limit, and I am up for this challenge.

I know she is good with it because she has a high record of it, 99 mines in 120 seconds...how fast is that? It's really fast because it has taken me minutes looking for a few mines. I never really played this game, the only time I played is setting all the bombs off, print screen and copy, then retraced it back accordingly – cheating!

Number tells everything to be honest. This reminds me of how prophecies have been made base on numbers, as long as humanity have existed. This is purely natural I believe, it's like a universal code of entry to everything that you will ever want. Every number has its own definition, and when you add that up it gives you something even better.

She - CC - is good with numbers, I know, and no doubt about it. And, I'm only good with my words. I gotta admit that I am not a numeric person, rather I am just an alphabetical person. Mathematics have always been a lame subject to me, except for Algebra and Equations (because they have alphabets in it). Theories and formulas have been created by mankind itself, and I believe the control is still not so beyond from our own hands at all.

So what does your number tell you? You will find that answer within yourself, and only yourself will know. Then again, I am in desperation to get this game mastered before the challenge. I think I have nothing else better to do that is why, it's all for a good to keep myself busy for the moment.

Two more weeks and I will be home alone, dislike the fact that everyone leaves the whole house to me. I have no idea what I will be going to do, but it's definitely gonna get me crazy if I were to keep staying home alone. No choice, I can't get out of the house too often because I have to guard the house. I really wonder what I should do with it, because now that I am alone already boredom is definitely gonna kill me badly!

Feeling Light?

2011-11-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

I weighted myself again in the morning, almost every morning, and it appears that I have been losing weight drastically lately. Before the Sarawak International Triathlon 2011, I had diarrhea and got badly dehydrated from it, my weight still remained at 73kg. But lately, it has been going down dramatically which I do not really know how this could be happening.

My current weight is only 70kg, which means I have lost 3kg lately. I gotta admit that I have not been sleeping and eating well. Could this be the contribution factor? I am not so sure, because I have been doing my training as well. I am not burning as much as I did, unlike previous full-time training I was burning fats vigorously.

Thus, my body seems to have very low fats once again. I'm losing my muscle mass too, which means I am slimming down quite fast. My appetite has been that consistent, I just couldn't eat much. There were times where I had to force myself to eat, with only a few spoon and I would be full, and drinking water makes me wanna vomit. It feels like as if my body is not accepting nutrition any longer.

I do not know why this is happening even though I am forcing myself not to be in hunger, because I still need energy in everything that I do. I used to love McD a lot, but right now even with a Double Cheeseburger places in front of me I also don't wanna take a bite. I feel like I am sick of foods, I just feel like I can't really accept foods.

This is not a good thing to be happening to me, because it has weaken my body. I only have a choice to take some glucose each day to sustain myself, yet I still need to force myself to drink. With very little sleep, I do not feel tired because I would just wake up automatically. Lately, I have only been sleeping for almost 6 hours a day on average; 1 hours during the day (or none sometimes), and 5 hours or less during the night.

I don't really feel zombiefied, I still feel driven and alive in a way. But somehow this is telling me that my body is not living in the state of the normal condition. Sometimes, I feel like my body is shutting down slowly – that feeling is just horrible. The worst comes at night where I would feel very cold, I guess this is because of very low fat in my body.

My performance in my training lately has made a huge come back. I am gaining better times and improvement gradually. I am surprised indeed, I guess I am slowly regaining my strength back and yet there is a price to pay for. I used to take 5 meals a day, because I have had high metobolism rate during active training days. And right now, I am only taking a meal or two in a day, just because my body is not accepting foods well.

I hope this is not some kinda of health issue, though what's going on in my mind has been bothering me a lot and very torturing. But I can feel that I am going through some sort of transformation, which I know, that will enhance my performance in triathlon. Though I am weighting at 70kg now, I hope I am still healthy to live my life.

I love myself, it is the only thing I have now which is myself. I'm gonna live this life to my best, and spread myself selflessly into freedom.

Bievennue, Jacques Yvez!

Try with Me for a Chance

2011-11-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

Everybody needs a chance to love...

Another Day

2011-11-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

This morning I totally got woken up by neighbor's chicken early in the morning. I guess the chicken went crazy somehow, just wouldn't stop cocking! So I had very little sleep to be frank about it, yet I did not really feel tired anyway. I really hope the chicken will be turn into curry dish soon, so I won't have to be awaken by them!

I got to the office very early today, despite the chicken alarm went out too early, so I got in at ab out 6.50a.m and I was too early in fact so I had to wait for the ladies to come to get the door open. I have officially sent in my resignation, so I have more or less about 2 weeks of notice left to go. I can't wait for the time to pass! By December, I will be a full-time triathlete again, how much I miss it so!

I went to the hospital this morning, out of sudden because there was a need to. Everything didn't turn out too well, out of expectation actually, so there was not much I could do. The doctor told me to come back again next week for another round. To be honest, I dislike going to the hospital alone and especially when I had to be in the ward alone waiting. That felt spooky! So let's hope everything turns out okay for next week.

I felt kinda weak in the afternoon, it happened all of a sudden again, just very weak and couldn't do much. I still went for my swim, but the water was cold and it could have been a good training for me, yet because I was feeling weak so I was really struggling to finish. I hate this feeling sometimes, as it totally disrupts my training regime. Hopefully it won't have to be like that again tomorrow, because I really need to focus in my training.

I had a funny conversation with someone just now, and got to learn a lot about what should be going on in life, instead of what is going on. But overall, I had a good time and got my mind clear off. And, it is a good choice that I have made not to get myself frustrated. Even though, the conversation did turn out slightly challenging, yet it was fun. Looking forward to more nights of entertainment at least.

Let's FOCUS!

2011-11-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

First of all, it looks like I have a list of things to do in my life. I must never forget my priority in this. I got a company to run, Ironman 70.3 to complete, plenty of ITU triathlon to compete, Xterra to compete and qualify for Maui again, some marathons to run as well. It looks like I am scheduling myself well for 2012. These will be mine priorities to excel in my career and I believe do it way better than before.

Obviously, with that amount of challenges ahead of me, I gotta reestablish myself and gain my own strength back. I have fallen hard, but I am getting back up slowly. I am coming back stronger and better than before, the old me is gone. In this era, it is the new me now who is Fearless, Selfless and Ruthless. I got what it takes to do whatever I want, I am unstoppable. If you don't see it coming, you might miss the train.

Constantly, I'm gonna keep improving myself. There is much more to learn in Life, as I don't claim myself to be perfect. I make mistakes and so does everybody, yet mistakes will be a lesson and reminder of improvement. Nothing beats the competitiveness of a vast field filled with fearless enemy. The only guts I have are the soul of my courage getting back up to fight for my own freedom.

Unity, the strength of all within myself. To face the world and all the challenges, my soul and heart shall be together as one. Never to be apart again. They have been thrown, but not this time again. I am pulling all my strength together to reunite myself to be prepared for the challenges. I know I can and I will!

Saint, the key of all wisdom. No matter what I do, the most important thing is to have integrity for myself and respect for others. I believe in Life, you're never alone because you will always have people coming in and out of it. Some people will leave beautiful memory, where most will leave footprints, yet some may even stay with you. No one is forever alone, neither in the after life. Virtue speaks of it all, and I shall be blessed in a manner of my respect and integrity for the honor of the Gods.

An Afternoon

2011-11-06T22:42:00.000-08:00

Just an afternoon by myself, it got me wondering about you again. The whole world now just seems to be cold, silent and lonely. I don't even know myself anymore, but just feeling helplessly lost. I just don't know what else I can do other than doing nothing, because everything has happened so sudden.

I feel weak in a way, like there is not energy to move around. Doris was saying I am still in the state of shock and it's gonna take time to recover, which I think today I feel better than yesterday. But my heart is still feeling weak, and not beating at the level where it should be.

The situation now is just plain nothing at all, that's why there is nothing I can do. I know people are saying bad things about me, which I don't even bother to fight back because I am tired of it already. But there are those who are here for me, it's really surprising me and totally unexpected.

All the while I have quite lonely, because everybody knows of my relationship and would respect the fact of my privacy. Then when the problem happened, I felt alone at first because there is not one a single person I can turn to. I didn't even dare to tell my mum about it, but to hang on to it myself. But since yesterday, I have been seeing more messages than ever and I am thankful for it, they have been the greatest support I've ever needed now.

Unexpectedly, some are merely even close friends and people that I hardly know of, yet their caring have really shown me there is still kindness in this world. There is even one person which I have been mistakenly thinking she's quite bad in a way because of her reputation. But surprisingly she turned out to be somebody who is very caring and spiritually well manner. Her words have really brought me to the thought of the bright side, and set my sorrow away. I guess it is never right to judge a book by its cover, you just gotta get to know that person yourself.

My mind is still running in the state of confusion, there has been thoughts coming in and out. Foremost, I am still missing her, which the feeling is quite torturing. I can't help the fact of what she did, and also what she had said to me with all the cruel words. The pain that I am feeling is just tremendously painful, and unbreakable. Is time the only healer? That is what they say, but I say the only better way for me to deal with it now is embracing the pain - which somehow it dos make me feel better.

I promised myself to be a better person than I was, and I promised myself to be a stronger person that I was. Most of all, for all the prayers I have done, and God has been answering me truthfully.

Pain loves Numb

2011-11-06T17:32:00.000-08:00

Monday morning is always the most beautiful start of the week, and I hope this week will turn out to be a better week for me. Last week has been horrible living through a nightmare. What could not happened has already happened; words have fallen apart, heart has broken and shattered, tears and sorrow were the perfect couple.

I went out for my run this morning in the park, it's a cold morning for sure and surprisingly I woke up automatically around 6 without any alarm. I really had a good sleep last night, the perfect sleep without a dream, everything was pitch black. I guess Belvedere vodka really helped me out. So I did a 45mins run in the park, actually thought of doing just easy because body is still weak, yet I eventually pushed myself to the wall really hard.

The pain felt horrible during the run, but yet that took the pain in my heart away. I started to realize I have not been embracing pain all these times. Perhaps, I have been living in the comfort zone for too long. Pain suddenly just feel so sharp and could feel that the whole body is literally being stabbed. I ran as hard as I could to unleash that pain in me, release all that frustration in me, and let go of everything in me.

I think I was running faster than ever before, I could feel I was soaring across the path. It felt really fast, and I felt freedom. It was like as if I was being freed from something that has exiled me all the while. But yet, they key to that was Pain. The pain in my heart felt like nothing to the pain I had to endure during my run. That really made me realize Pain is beautiful, and it hits you hard every time in life.

It was suffering on the run, yet I was freed from sorrow. So I have learn that you just gotta embrace pain to be better, the harder it hits you the harder you get with it, eventually Pain will disappear and becomes numb.

I feel numb now, blank, empty. It feels like nothing at all, but free. Perhaps, it has been too much going on lately and my time has come. Is this how death feels like? Pain at first, then follow by emptiness. Maybe yes, maybe not. We will never know. But one thing for sure, Pain really helps to grow and be better.

I suffer now, and better days will come.

The Empty Cup

2011-11-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

So what now? Life just suddenly feels like it will be over soon, that gets me wonder if 2012 is really end of the world. But after all, what's more important is the present, the now, that I am in and I am fine for the present being. So much has been going for the past few days, weeks, months and...a year and half. And, that's just life, full of interesting chapters over and over again.

Just over the weekend, I raced Sarawak International Triathlon 2012 and really managed to finish. I have been off from triathlon since 2010 after World Champ in 2009, and racing over the weekend was my first Olympic Distance race in 2 years now. Not much training has been done, considerably not at competitive level, only fitness wise to keep me going. Besides that I got struck by diarrhea badly 3 days prior to the race, and it really got me through hell on race day feeling so dehydrated. But still, I am proud that I finished the whole race in an unfit condition. This is really a good start for me for a comeback in 2012, full-time training will resume in December soon.

Working in WSB has kept me really busy for a year now, it has been really fun and challenging to run this Petronas' project. Though I have sacrificed off my triathlon for a career, I guess it has been the right thing to do to get my life set for a better future. At least I will not be another hopeless athlete without a promising career once retirement from sports. Engineering was never my background, but having the opportunity given by WSB to run the project I have learn much over a year; from mechanical engineering to process engineering. I must say I have picked them up really quick with all the dedication and commitment I have, really well worth it because knowledge is power. I am proud that my work is highly recognized by Petronas and having an honour to be part one of their RCFA Investigation Team, which hardly contractors are not really allowed to be involved. I gotta say that it's been a good learning path by far, though I still have much to learn and improve. Education is endless!

With so much I have done throughout the years, I am still wondering by myself. Many thoughts come true my mind, there're doubts, problems and happy thoughts, which I am fueled with to run a life. Yet, at times like this I still feel empty...I don't have much concern on focusing my goals because I know that I have been progressing well in achieving my target, but it is always the personal life part seems to trouble most.

Yeah, I gotta admit that I have a complicated personal life. It's funny how we can try to balance things in our life but when it comes to Personal Life & Career, it tends to imbalance differently. Likewise, people have once said to me if you're successful in your career then you may encounter problems in your personal life. I do believe that is true in a way because I have seen how it has affected me in the past till now. It is not about balancing because dedication and commitment are important in achieving goal. I tried hard to allocate time into my personal life but it is just never enough to do so because I am just too pre-occupied with my goals. I am seeing most of my friends having settle down and got married with kids, while I am still a...soon-to-be bachelor? Mr. Lonely?

Well, relationship has always been something really tough to have for me. It's not easy to handle because I do feel part of it has something to do with my ego. As much as I would like to have time for it, I would lose out on my targets too. This requires a partner to be supportive and able to compromise, but somehow I have not met one yet. But Syaza did, was the only one who did, which was long time ago. So yeah, I have changed much since I met Sharon but things just never workout really well for her. Lately, we've fallen apart which I don't even feel sad about it surprisingly. She has made me feeling so numbness because of what she has done making me so unappreciated. She has really cut my heart out a lot in this relationship. But...I finally took a stand to call it off, though I left in a harsh way. It was never really in my motive to quarrel with her over small matter, but that numbness she's made in me got me do so automatically. It got me asking myself why I would wanna quarrel with her over small matter for a break up. It wasn't about anger problem because I didn't even feel angry within at all. It just felt the need to unleash that numbness she's done.But she has left, which I will never ever get to really tell her the truth anymore as I know she wouldn't bother to listen.

Life is just like and empty cup, you can fill it with water or juices or any kind of drinks you favour...Starbucks? It's really a choice to be made by ourselves. I've made mind in a way for Sharon, now that I am by myself I no longer have to worry much. Another chapter of life will begin as MD soon, and return to my life as a Pro-Triathlete for 2012 season. But for now, I leave my cup empty for good...=)

Unexpected Portrait of the Past

2011-05-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

I thrown away all the pictures of us, and I still happen to stumble across this one. Surprisingly, this picture is still around in the web which I have not seen in a long time.

I still remember this picture was taken at the swimming pool before my training. If I'm not wrong, it was her first time to actually company me to training...very memorable though.

It is funny how fast time has passed, it's been 5 years now since you've been gone. Life without you has never been the same; I miss it sometimes when I'm lonely or not being appreciated, because you were the best in me who have given it all. You have given me the greatest strength to achieve my dream.

But oh well, memory is just a past and that was the support given. You were the motivation that kept me going each time, but when December starts again I will relive that motivation you have given. By the way, I think I look thinner in this picture...so can't wait to be back in shape!

Life Rewritten

2011-05-09T06:40:00.000-07:00

As I lay down my fingers on this keyboard, there're just too much to write about and too much goin' up in my head. Life? What is it now? Somehow, it is pretty hard for me to tell what it is exactly, but only able to find the meaning of it. And I guess, the only way to do that is to live through it.

Sometimes, don't you have that sense of something tend to blindfold your life? It's a sort of feeling that exist between both worlds I believe, it feels that way. Emotion? Just feelings maybe, but it is best felt when searching for direction. Somehow, this feeling leads the way.

And, I find myself now feeling a little uncomfortable with my surroundings. I began to ask if the world has evolved, as I wonder, or perhaps turned the other way round. There're times I am at peace and ease, yet there're times I'm caught in the middle of Titan's clashes. It is difficult to justify why and how but unknowingly it has a purpose, and that purpose is to live.

It has been days that I wonder my past, reminiscing those journeys I have walked. I wonder where to start as I'm writing this, it's a little too vast. But somehow it's gotta start somewhere, perhaps Triathlete?

The journey has been long by far, and every step has been a dream coming true. I am glad that I did not take a giant leap back then, but it has all gone gradually stages by stages. I guess I am just right on the plan of destiny. 2009 was the greatest, but it was just the beginning of everything.

Then comes this year, it has always been my wish to be a sponsored Triathlete, and somehow this has finally came true recently. Out of expectations, I kept my hope low, I didn't think so much about it, not till the numerous calls I received on sponsorships, it was overwhelmed. So I got what I wanted all along, a racing carbon roadbike with racing carbon wheelset as well, in conclusion I am geared up to the next level. And, being the only triathlete from Miri ever to be sponsored, I feel my hardwork over the years are paid off.

But somehow, I just don't feel too excited or happy about it. Instead, I feel numb and nothing special. In way, I have got what I wanted all along and now what? Moving on to the next level is one thing, but there has been something being left behind, something from years ago.

I remember it was that time on a hot afternoon, we were just chit chat like usual as we always did everyday. Her smile, I can't forget no matter how will just bounce back to me. In her soft voice, I remember well, she said "Laling, I believe you can achieve what you want. Pray to God for it and have faith, because Laling you can do it, just like Nike." and till these days this verse of her's has finally surface once again.

Her support meant so much to me back then, and it was looking forward to be with the future as well. Yet sadly, her blessings have been with me but not her by my side. It meant more than just a person who loves and cares, it was the life blessings she has given which have given me the spirit to achieve so much.

Should I be happy that I have got what I wanted all along without her? I feel it is meaningless. Without you, it no longer means anything. I lived this for us and myself, and now I live it alone by myself and no one to share my joy. Years been gone, your memory still remains and that love of your has never been forgotten yet forgiven.

My dad asked, why didn't I seem to be extremely excited and happy when I got my sponsored gears. I was speechless, I couldn't answer because I felt nothing at all. Even my dad noticed that I have been different, according to him I would be cheering around with my achievement. And, I guess I just couldn't help it to keep it quiet to myself but to no one else.

She is no longer y my side for all these years, and I have achieved much without her. Her supports and blessings have always stayed with me, and will always be I believe. Those were the strength that have been carrying me through, and no one could again give what she has given. It was truly a gift of Heaven. I know she won't be seeing what I have got, she probably doesn't wanna bother anyway. But I thank her still for all she has given.

So what is next for me is to move forward, and live along as I should. Sometimes I feel I am stuck in the past, but however those pasts serve to be lessons of my improvement. I have regained my strength slowly and gently, and I believe I will make it to even better.

Life lives, and I live. For I breath, and I walk. I see the horizon beyond, and I see the stars above. This is my life once more, and I am back even better.

The Memory

2011-04-12T19:38:00.000-07:00

They were the times I remember, they were the times I do not remember. Looking back on it, it was just yesterday. A yesterday that has far gone, memory lost and found. Time now has changed and different, it is those days that I'm missing most. Time has gone by, memory is fading, but what is left is myself and the love you have given.

I am never better than it was, sometimes I wish the clock would turn back in time. Knowing that if I ever have the chance, I wish things wouldn't go wrong as we were the king and queen of promise. Right now, I'm someone different, far more different than I was. I no longer know the person I used to be, it has been forgotten since you been gone.

For all there is, I may be better and I may be not in the present. No one has done what you done, the greatest strength of all you have shown to the real meaning of love. Will we ever meet halfway again? The odds may be hard, but there might or can be a miracle. I saw the chapter of us walking under the rain, yet I find myself asking when and how it happened. My memory doesn't seem to unfold, as those were the little things that meant so much.

Your smile, laughter and joy...together, they are no longer by my side. What's gone is gone and there is no turning back. I might find myself missing you, because I am not better as I was yet with a smile I know that I have lived my life to the fullest.

I guess memory is just memory after all, have you forgotten? The answer lies in yourself, because part of it I have forgotten and you're forgiven. Life goes on with or without you. As I still live to see the day, I know there lies a journey in me. With what I have now, I may not be as perfect as I was, things aren't the way it could be. I guess I will just have to live with misery at times, but deep inside with you in my memory from the past...the grass is greener on the other side, and I hope all is well.

The Return

2011-02-22T06:01:00.001-08:00

Finally, I am back...

Who is she?

2011-01-30T02:46:00.001-08:00

Today, I woke up with a question in my head "who is she?"...it felt weird, and real at the same time to realize I dream about a girl I have never met before. She was so real; I could feel her touch, her soft lips from her kiss, and her warmth. And her smile that melted my heart, the feeling is just so real. Who is she? I just do not know, but this question will float in my mind and wonder along.

I dream I fell in love with her, and was really in love. She's caring and loving, very affectionate. She's beautiful, a red-headed scarlet, tall and slim, fair complexion with beautiful long legs. She followed where ever I went in my protection, at one thought I felt she's a Russian.

At the same time, I was cheating. My girlfriend text me and call me, I lied as I was with her. She knew I have a girlfriend but she didn't bother, because she knew I have fallen in love for her. My girlfriend didn't bother much about what I do, so it was so much easier to hide this all along. Yet, it was just a dream...and, who is she?

Dream felt so real at times, but perhaps and it might be true that there is a connection between dreams and de javu. Will I ever get to meet this girl? Will I ever play cheating in relationship? And most of all, will this girl ever be real in love? I guess I will just have to wait for my fate to come, then perhaps my question will be answered.

My dream came true once, and I know i lived a dream...and it will, someday, to be twice.

What a beautiful Sunday today, woke up with a cold morning and gloomy clouds. Guess it was raining heavily last night, so as many have said. I love this weather, it just makes me feel great...and most of all, whenever it rains I feel the connection between myself and water. I guess it is just perhaps growing up in water as a swimmer made me feel so. But overall, gotta love the rain for it's cool and every droplet plays a melody of its own.

And, Chinese New Year is coming up, so as Valentine's Day. To my surprise, I just don't feel the mood or emotion for it. It feels like nothing and I just don't know what is expected to be done for it. Perhaps, this is what happen when you have grown up and that mood is just lost. Plus, many friends aren't around this time as most people go on vacation, and I guess this is a new trend.

She is sick today, since last 2 days I should say. Oh well, poor her and I hope she gets well soon. I still thought I could have my weekend with her, but too bad she is just not in the condition to. Plus, she just mad at me again because I was pulling a joke on her but I didn't know she would take it seriously. Whenever she is angry, it makes me feel upset because she would say things that really hurt me. It feels bad, though she doesn't know how it feels to be spit at with poison.

Anger, it's one thing that kills people...but it is also another that brings a lesson or reminder. Somehow, it is weird, whenever she's angry and upset me this would automatically reminds me of her, and let me to run into her. It has been awhile since I last saw her, never thought we would run into each other again for some reason. Sunday ago, she passed me by though we were like transparent. So today, I saw her again because she was mad at me. What a coincident!

Each time when I see her, it feels just like the first time I saw her back in the restaurant. That innocent and shy look of her's just never changed and go away. I smiled within myself whenever I saw that, though we can't even greet. Yet, this only happens when she is angry at me.

Coincident? Well, I guess God does work in mysterious way because He allowed me to meet her half way. So, in a way, I guess this is what meeting half way is about...so close yet so far.

When All Eyes On Me

2011-01-27T07:56:00.000-08:00

It has been ages since I last wrote something into this blog, I guess I just never have time for it anymore. Writing article was a favorite pass time, sharing and letting people know what my thoughts are, and cherish my life through words. However, reason now for writing it would definitely make me feel better since I need to spill my heart out. Words describe everything in anyway.

Over and over again, of all these years, the same darkness never seem to go away...it just keeps haunting me from time to time, perhaps this does feel the biggest enemy of my life. But in anyway, life has ups and there is down, for it is not forever perfectly a side. I guess I am down at this moment, or perhaps all these months.

There is, and always, about life anyway; it's either women or career...? Nothing more to me and my perfect little life. Working has been tough, but I am enjoying it nevertheless. I am not complaining much because I am doing what I have wanted to strive in a career. There are many challenges and obstacles, and tackling them is my greatest skill after all. I may be stress certain times, but that's just the process part of it.

So...the biggest downside would be I say myself! I find it hard being me, and no one knows how tough it is, except Dinah my bestest friend of all. I feel hard and tough to be accepted in this town, Miri. People around me just don't seem to be able to see what I am, not even my love ones. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder whenever it comes to this matter. I find this tougher than anything else I overcome.

Yeah, I can't blame anyone else for not being able to understand me but just the cause from myself. You see, I hardly speak my heart out to anyone, not even to my close friends or family as well. For the fact that I can't review everything as my life is too personal and filled with secrecy. And, I hardly get a chance to talk to Dinah nowadays, or ever since college. I miss her so much, because she is the best listener I ever had and probably the only person in the world who can actually understand me most and touch and see what is in my heart.

But this is tough enough, not even my love ones can understand me though I tried to let them know who I am and what I do. I expect my love ones to understand me better, and taken consideration of my life and respect me for who I am. Yet. I just don't seem to be treated the way I should be. I appreciate those who are able to understand me and hear me out, and that does cherish my life letting me knowing that I still get appreciated by others.

Still, no one really knows the burden I carry. I guess it is myself as well for being too demanding and the desperation to achieve my goals and dream. I get busy at work during the day, focus on what I need to do and getting my work done. Then just call it a day when all is accomplished. And when I get home, I expect to be relaxed and chilled with my love ones. But however, that turns oppositely when I get home.

It was the same as well when I was a full-time triathlete, trained all day long and got really exhausted. By the time I got home from training, I expected to be cared and not be pissed at just because I wasn't home to help out. I do feel bad whenever they say that, and sad at the same time because they should know how tough it is to work all day long. I just need a break and relax from all the exhaustion I get from work. Please don't add on when I get home, because home is warmth and supposedly to be a place of love.

I don't wanna be blamed for this and that just because I wasn't home to help out, as I needed to work. It feels tough to be blamed, as I didn't do anything wrong. I am just trying to focus as much as I can at work so I can make more income to support my family. I just wanna be appreciated and most of all supported. I don't need all that anger, I just need a smile.

Same goes to my love life...I just thought she would be understanding me better than anyone else as well, because I share everything with her about what I do. Though I know it is a mistake to do so because girls just can't know too much, and when they do they get freaked out. I know that you care about me, darling. But sometimes, I just need you to understand me more. Your support means a lot to me, it is what will carry me through to be a better man. I know I am not perfect, but I know I am growing up to be a better person. I don't like to be mad at, and I don't wanna go to bed being mad at. I don't mind to be mad at I made mistakes, because I know I will learn from my lesson. I remember everything you said about me, especially when we have our good times...those sweetness of your's just never go away. But when we quarrel or I do something wrong, we get bitter and I am sorry. Yet my dear, all I need is just your support in everything I do. Your smile means a lot to me, your words will bring me to life even when I am dead. I know what you want from me is perfection, but to be imperfect is a perfection because we, human, are never perfect. I don't need your anger, my dear. And after all, I love you and we should care for each other...and not telling each of us what to do. I hope you can understand this, because I really hope you do.

Well, I guess 2011 didn't start out too well in my private life. But in a way, it's a challenge. Yet, I just hope the world can accept me because I am ready for the world.

Monday Smile

2010-09-05T17:16:00.001-07:00

Monday, a beautiful morning it is. Great weather - very breezy, beautiful sun - what a good day for a great start for a new life, with a smile.

It used to be like - steppin' ride out of my bed, gettin' myself ready for a ride. Pick my bike up, and have a start of my training for the rest of the day and week.

How I miss that life - the life of a triathlete - as true as it is, that is the soul in me. A soul that bounces through limits, soaring in the sky freely making dreams come true.

That morning ride, how I miss it so. The sun, the wind, the birds and the sight of nature are just breath-taking. It gets tough along the way, cover in pain and struggle. A struggle that gives more meaning to life - and life can be seen differently.

But all that is gone for now, for now perhaps...if not, I wouldn't be sitting here on a beautiful morning blogging my way through. That person I was seems gone already, and I just feel lost and empty at times because I couldn't see what I am now.

It feels depressing at some moment, it's hard to deal with. But I know I am living it through, just to see another gifted day. Yet, it feels hard unable to do what you're meant to be, and most of all what you're good at.

I feel my dream has been shattered, my goals have been burned to ashes, and most of all my life has been isolated. But to think about it, it is a new start for a better tomorrow because life just keeps unfolding in a new way.

A new way, can it be a promise? I can't even answer it myself, neither anyone. It dwelling it me, this unforgettable person that I was - because that's who I am, what I am.

I truly miss it...

I'm glad, in a way, I am still able to see another day and thankful to live. Life can be hard or easy, and I am taking the way it is. It is all down to me, as I don't share this often with anybody. I can only keep it to myself, as no one will choose to hear.

I do feel loneliness, and darkness...

One man standing alone, I guess that's just the way it is.

What I do now - a job - is for a better tomorrow, I know I can get this through because I am thankful for what I have now and I'll never know what's coming.

I do hope to resume the person I was someday - though it can be a painful one - but perhaps it's worth living it.

I may have hurt the person I love, as I am not the person I used to be. She will never know that depression I have right within, and she shall never know that loneliness in me.

I am happy to have her, but I am not happy that I have hurt her.

Only time will find my way back to be better, and that change is a promise - because life just keeps changing and never stayed the way it is.

With a smile I have, and a heart, I guess I am ready or was already to take the world.

...a beautiful life...

2010-09-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

Someday, I'm gonna go. Leaving everything behind and have a soul at a resting place. Life can not be more meaningful than what you have lived - I have lived mine, and still living.

But perhaps, it might come to an end - tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, and yesterday is a memory.

My dreams are shattered, I am no longer the person I was. I tried so hard to find myself, to live the dream I have or used to have. Yet, it seems endlessly hopeless.

I am blinded, blinded by the unknown. It is confusing, that darkness is swallowing me slowly. I can feel the cold as days passing by.

It is slowly changing me, internal. It feels torturing, it seems like a challenge but yet it is too hard to take.

Does God trying to tell me something? I see the message is clear, and I need to choose. A decision is wise, yet it can be hard - confusing is slowly crawling outta my skin.

Perhaps someday, that day, I'm gonna smile and say I have lived a life - a beautiful life.

So then, let me go...

And, fulfill me...

It is the only wish I have...

So when I die, let me just die with a smile.

A Letter to Love

2010-07-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Love,

It's been awhile since I last wrote to you; I guess I must have too busy lately, or recent life. I hope all is well in you, and all that be in peace.

Years have gone and time has passed, yet there I am still standing all along walking this Earth. Life has never been better without challenges, obstacles and hardship - it can be cruel at times, yet in the very end is where I find triumph or failure - lesson to be learn perhaps.

I must say, in what I have deep within the heart felt extraordinary exceptional. Perhaps to you, Love, I shall describe that at this very moment it feels pain, sorrow and then hollow. Surprisingly weird isn't it? As you may wonder, because to Love it is emotionally happy and filled with affection.

But deep within me, I have the affection which I have kept all the while. I tried to give it away, but it has not been accepted yet - it has been rejected instead. I do try to understand what could have gone wrong in this affection, caring, emotion and faith to such an important role of having to be accepted.

It angers me deep within, especially when the question of sincerity and honesty are the rise of the sun. But yet, promises made mean nothing more then just emptiness - so empty that it hurts from within. Is this how reality bites?

Love, I often thought respect is such an important way of life - we wish to be treated nicely, yet we shall treat others nicely too in return - as that's what it is all that goes in nature. Then again, it seems like a favor of return with expectations. Expectations of course when sincerity is given and shall be rewarded handsomely with integrity. Yet it has all been not that we all thought off...which leaves me in silence and exiled.

In an exile of silence; I was once expressive, loving and caring that I have shown towards the ones I adore. But it has all changed now, I no longer share these words and they are well kept deep within me. It is saddening isn't it? When such words have been rejected, not accepted and taken for granted in the end. I, somehow, have learn to keep and hide them well.

It is a misery, a misery that unfolds the dark-side of selfishness. But then again, in me there comes forgiveness. It is in hopeful that forgiveness for a new beginning, and leave the past a history of its own. Yet, forgiveness has led to be taken for granted.

For as long as my patience lives, my Love. I am surely I will still be faithful to this moment, the moment of love. It does harden this emotion, yet it doesn't harden the heart within. I may stay or may leave, but I know when the time comes...there will be time to make destiny a worthy journey.

The clock ticks and the sun waits for no man, I must say I am slowly learning to let go and walking away into the deep.

Love, perhaps I shall find you again in a time of its own. May you find my peace and thoughts for I will continue the legacy you have given.

In love I say, harmony and peace of fate.

Your Love,

Jacques Yvez

Rainy Days

2010-07-03T06:50:00.001-07:00

Days have been rainy, cloudy and breezy. I must say it is one of those days that I always feel my life has been lifted up. This weather is just a nature that fills our lives with adventure, and certainly not to mention the fact that it touches our emotion...and literally transform our live.

Have you ever thought of how wonderful it is to be dripped upon by the rain? Take a minute to feel it; close your eyes, breathe slowly and gently, feel that air moving around your cheeks, it feels cold and light, and slowly a droplet of rain landed on the tip of your nose...it feels cold, and just water?

Doesn't that tell you how simple it is? You must thinking it is just rain and water, and certainly what is the big deal about it. To me, personally, it is just more that a droplet of rain, or water that falls from the sky. What it matters here is how it touches my soul and life.

I always feel energetic during rainy day, I love it, and I can't help the fact that it makes me feel so alive and full of pleasure. It is just so wonderful! Water, the main source of all lives, that grows all living things and washes away anything that comes in its way. Isn't water is beautiful? You're still puzzle, I know.

Water is pure, plain, simple and refreshing. We use water for our needs, everyday and every time. When we are dirty or feeling hot, we take a bath. When we're thirsty, we take a drink. And, when we are sinned, it washes away. Water, the simplicity of all that walks in this world, yet it is the peace of element that lies in us.

During a rainy day I, sometimes, would stand underneath it, and spread my arms welcoming million of droplets of rain onto me. It feels like I am accepting nature into my body, and let it be part of me. It makes me feel so wonderful that the rain washes away everything in me, and takes me to a new beginning. Every single little droplet lies onto me and slowly go right downward out of my body; it takes my past away with it, it takes all the sadness and sorrow away, and it cleans all the sins I have where it makes me feel brand new - a whole new person that feels wonderful knowing that I have lived another day to see another.

Life comes in very interesting ways; certain time up and down, as the cycle of life represents it all in our own reflection of our living cycle. When our lives are up, we cherish it with happiness, smile, laughter and joy, then it tosses with a drink of gratitude. Yet, when we are down we overcome our sorrow with tears in sadness, and drinks that make us to forget the pain in hope of joy. Hence, with a simple touch of water it takes our soul to a brand new beginning of every chapter in life.

And, there are times that we feel so lost; totally lost of direction, and life feels like it is filled with darkness. It feels lonely that we don't know where to turn and what we're doing - total lost of sense of life. It feels just like a lost voyage that is hopeless in search of no man's land, not knowing what its destiny is. Yet, a voyage that floats on water, and when storm comes it is covered with rain of water that shower over it.

Isn't it obvious that life is sometimes directed? Yet, we are just too blinded by ourselves to see what is good and bad around us. The ocean is huge and beneath it there is a current; an ocean current it is that circulates the life of the ocean. And yet, this is a guided key by nature itself where as a ship floats on it can be flowed into its ocean current direction naturally.

Sometimes, we just gotta stop and take a moment to think what we are doing. Stop thinking whether it is right or wrong, and what or how it can be resolved. We just need a moment of silence, feel that nature surrounding us, take time to feel it because it is right there to take you into a direction that is unseen, yet can be felt. Let your life flows like a river of water, because eventually water will find its way through the river into the ocean - an ocean of freedom and love.

Life and rain have their sharing of common representation - where it hits us in our life - yet we avoid it to think that it is part of us, because we're blinded by selfishness and desire. Life is simple and certainly blessed with joy and love - yet it is just another step to be taken by accepting what is within us. Let that rains come onto you, it does no harm for it is nature that is reaching our souls. Have no fear in life, let it comes as it is because tomorrow is a mystery - a mystery to be lived and rediscovered - and rainy days just couldn't get any better in fulfilling the wonders of life.

By Jacques Yvez

Disappointment of Sport Government Body

2010-06-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

So, here I am writing this note instead of being in Bukit Jalil now for the Asian Games 2010 qualifying time-trial, for triathlon. But it is to a great disappointment that I am unable to attend, not because of my personal setbacks or so, but it is because Sarawak Triathlon Association (SATRIA) has refused to send any triathletes. This year is 2010 which marks the year for Asian Games, Guangzhou, China. And, it is an important year for all athletes at national level. But it now looks like I am missing my chances to attend this game.

The very reason which SATRIA's President, Dato Garfur, said that he is not in favor to send any athletes due to budget constraint. Great, budget constraint? This is not the first time they have given such reason for so many years and times already, as since 2006 till now they have given empty promises on attending races outside of Sarawak. Over and over again, the only favor I often received is great disappointment and excuses.

Last year, 2009, when I attended Dextro Energy Gold Coast ITU Triathlon World Championships in Australia, none of my trip nor fees were paid by SATRIA, TRIAM (Triathlon Association of Malaysia), MSN (Majlis Sukan Negara) or OCM (Olympic Council of Malaysia). The only obligation SATRIA took was the registration process, where as the rest such as fundings were all sponsored by Curtin University of Technology, both Australia and Sarawak Campus alone. It is understood that Triathlon is still not listed in MSN, but why so when Triathlon is already an Olympic sport and listed in OCM?

Then, when I qualified for Xterra Maui 2009 after competing in Xterra Malaysia with a rolled-down slot, I was looking forward to put my performance on another world championships again. SATRIA, again, gave an excuse saying no budget...which, I had no idea what actually happen. But, MSN Sarawak's director, Francis Nyurang, rang me up and said he would give RM1000 budget as a sponsorship to Xterra Maui, which was like just 1 week before the race in October. How much could I do with RM1000 to get to Maui? When the cost of the whole trip is above RM15,000! So fine, assuming that was another disappointment where it had been turn down as NONE of the government body could help, not even the YBs and Datuk.

Alright, when the racing season was over. I was feeling that I should not look bad on the disappointment I had in 2009, but did remember well of my achievement in ITU Triathlon World Champ which by far was the biggest dream I have ever achieved. So when I met up with SATRIA in November 2009, they promised me in 2010 I would be sent to 2 Asian ITU series here in Southeast Asia; which were OSIM Singapore ITU Triathlon Asian Premium Cup and Subic ITU Triathlon Asian Premium Cup, as these were the 2 races among the qualifying rounds to Asian Games 2010.

So, I was being very hopeful and optimistic about the qualifying rounds and trained really hard during the off-season to prepare myself well for 2010. Even ITU (International Triathlon Union) Coach, Hary Hudak, and ETU (European Triathlon Union) Champion, Radka Vodickova, of Czech Republic were in Miri for their off-season training camp where I was accepted to train with them full-time. They have prepared me well for the 2010 season through vigorous trainings of at least 8 hours a day, we were working so hard towards our goal without demanding any incentives or allowances from SATRIA or MSN. All that I wished is only to be able to attend qualifying rounds to Asian Games 2010.

TRIAM's Peter Lau was the key person who is in-charge of all triathlon affairs in Malaysia, where he made Singapore, Subic, Mekong and Port Dickson as the qualifying rounds to Asian Games 2010. Barry Lee and Shahrom Abdullah were the only triathletes who have been attending these rounds so far. But now, here comes a sudden call of NATIONAL TRIATLON TIME-TRIAL for Asian Games; which consists of an 800m Swim (Pool Swim) and 5km Run (Track Run) with a benchmarked time to be met. So what happen to those ITU Asian Premium Cup rounds? Are they still considered as qualifying rounds? And, this had made a confusion, where as Port Dickson Triathlon is no longer an ITU race.

So this morning just around 10a.m, due to my absence in the time-trial, Peter Lau gave me a call to ask where I was. Hence, I gave him an account of the story of my reason unable to attend the time-trial. Then, Peter was telling the time-trial is initiated by MSN, and further says he will see what OCM can do on my case. But I doubt it because this might be another empty words or promises.

I am truly disappointed with SATRIA; for the effort and time I have taken to progress so far, yet it is all wasted down the drain just like a rush of flash flood washes away a village. I feel I am being ignored, neglected and truly demoralized by such disappointment. I once thought I could rise and make my state proud, and my country proud. But yet, I don't seem to be recognized or appreciated. If Australian University and A.I.S are able to recognized my performance, why not Malaysia? Is it that difficult to support a triathlete? Why must my talent be wasted and disappointed? Can't I be given a fair chance to compete with others on a fair-ground?

So here I would like to ask YB Lee Kim Shin; you're an Assistant Sport Minister here in Sarawak and I am presenting this case for you to know how far back our sport has gone to. Yet, what can be done? I am not the only athlete in Sarawak that has been disappointed by far. Are you able to promise a better development and sustainability in Sarawak's sports? Talents have gone wasted, and future generation to come are already aware that sport in Sarawak is getting political and unhealthy due to unfairness judgment. So here I am asking you; what can you do for a better? I have made it this far in my triathlon and yet it doesn't seem to be recognized.

As a Sarawakian, a Miri-born and raised, a trained triathlete by American and Cezh Republic Coaches voluntarily and sincerely. The lack of support has really demoralized the value of dignity and sportsmanship in this case. I do not know if I should further continue to train and race for the state/country, but as far as my faith and sincerity is concern, the great disappointment that has been made this far is really too far to be forgiven and forgotten. And I am sorry to say if such empty promises and disappointment are to be made further on other athletes and young talents; more and more sports in Sarawak will eventually dissolved and die-off.

April's Fool

2010-04-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

"Got'cha!" - it is what I have wanted to say actually, so finally I got it right this time. I did promise her I will not fool her on April's Fool because I adore her right out from my heart. But, what's more to say when I get really naughty at times like this on April's Fool!

No doubt, I had it all planed a week before the prank. It was hard to plan everything out at first because I had to figure everything out by myself, in order to make everything right on track. So I took my time and put her right to the test just days before April's Fool.

Here's a little thing about her, she has bad temper and tends to lose control of it at times, especially when I get on her nerves by asking various questions. She is a bit lazy in answering as well, because she doesn't like to be psycho...who does I guess? Oh well, knowing that she has been having quite a bad time from m over the weeks. I still decided to take a risk to play the biggest prank I ever did, though she might be really pissed and hating me about it...which means more hates than love on me, ooooppss baby!

So, 3 days before April's Fool it was the right time to set her on a bad mood because girls get mood swing very often and it takes days to get over it. But as for her, it was just right on the dot that she was getting some mood swing from all her assignments; which was really a great opportunity to prank her. I know it was really bad that I gotten her mood worse by putting her through a bad day, it was tough to see but for the sake of April's Fool I had to do it.

Deep inside my heart, I have always cared and loved about her all along, and would never really wanna be a dick to her. But I know with my plan for April's Fool, I could make it up to her which I did. So she went on for having mood swing by me for a couple days till April's Fool, because I was consistently acting like a moron giving her some bad times.

But the worst came on April's Fool, which was the whole idea. You know, the thing that people always say about keeping a relationship burning is where you're gonna alotta effort and time to do so, but I say it takes some guts and pathetic ideas to make things fun. So my plan was, to make her really angry on purpose and then present her a perfume as a gift in return to make things up to her...which, I bought the perfume a week before April's Fool.

On April's Fool day, we had a big fight. And, it all went down pretty well as planned because it was so dramatic though I almost lost it by almost laughing out seeing her angry like a mad. I really got onto her nerves as I have planned, I tried really hard to hold on to my laugh by hiding it with my hands acting like I was crying, which I did cry because the soap that was soaking my eyes were bloody painful.

So the whole situation was really dramatic, like a big break up or something. She was cursing and really frustrated with everything I pleaded, and I must say with days of planning it all went down pretty well. So then, when the fight was over and I sent her home for the night. But that wasn't the end yet, because I didn't get to sneak the perfume into her bag to surprise her.

Then, I drove all the way back home again and collected the perfume. I drove back to her and told that I have something to tell her, so I got my surprise gift for her in my hands and presented it to her. She was feeling really weird and no idea what was going on as well. So there I did..."GOT'CHA!", as I said it.

I know she must have felt really awkward about being so angry and knowing the truth that she got fooled for her anger on April's Fool. I should have videotaped everything down, which I couldn't get a camera. It was fun for me to catch her anger right out on purpose, and played such a prank was certainly fun but not fun for the ones got fooled. Oh well, after all the moral of the prank was to let her know temper has to be in control. Or else when you get escalated or provoked, you are just gonna walk into a troubles that you don't know if it will kill you.

I got you punk'd this time, but this joke can only be used once only. And, if you're gonna get me back next year...you're just gonna try even harder because you will never know what is coming ahead of you, baby!

Lions for Lambs!

Endless Sigh

2010-02-26T15:58:00.000-08:00

Nothing, still, seems to be really in place yet it just seems to have gotten worse than ever. This is just so stressful at some point because I feel there is no directions and a way out. Sigh, am I just being to stressful on myself? Or just that I am too blind? All in all, there are just too many problems in me that I have to handle every single inch of it on my own. Nobody knows how tough it is to be, the price of fame and living under the spotlight is just a tremendous pressure to take. And nobody would care because I am seem so wrong and helpless. I just feel misunderstood at some point, my fault and my blame? It is just stressful.

Now that the class is gonna start on Monday, my fee still hasn't been settled yet because there is just no more options to take. My family isn't helping, study loan has got no approval yet, and not to mention that my sponsor was pissed about what happened. So I am really left so helpless and hopeless. Yes, some of you may think why not try bank loans. That is a tough one because they require a consistent income, which I do not have so this is just very impossible. I still do not know what I can do to get it solve, as I'm just trying my very best to get right. Sigh, so hard yet so close.

I was in a meeting with the Dean and University Life Manager on Thursday ago. We had to sit down and discuss the issue regarding the flight issue back in September 09; about getting a refund for the last minute booking due to the delay by the protocols and procedures. So the Dean is still trying to solve this problem to get a refund for it. It does stress me up a little because the process of the claim has been taking its time like forever since October 09. And if it does happen that they decided not to refund me, it is gonna be really tough that I have to find my own money to pay Edwin back because he was the one who helped me to get outta Perth to Brisbane when Curtin couldn't do anything. Sigh, I just hope it will turn out fine.

Besides the meeting regarding the issue, then we spoke about the EAFU program and representation of Curtin. I just felt really pressured when they speak of it because I have not got to solve my fees problem yet. Dean is very hopeful that I can do well in my study and the uni will support me academically in any way possible, I am thankful for her assurance in this matter. Yet, at the same time I just feel bad because I have not settled my fees yet. She has given the approval to continue the EAFU program where I get flexibility for my study in order to suit my training regime too. Then, there was this expectations of how my triathlon career will be this year. Sigh, so grateful yet so stressful.

At first, they thought I might fall back a little, like a retirement from it because I have already put it up to world championships last year. But I gotta be honest with them about my triathlon career plan this year, so it lighten them up somehow and that is why they have given assurance of support academically. In a way, they do have expectations from me this year, as my triathlon career has stretched another step to greater heights; with Asian Games to qualify for, hopefully Commonwealth Games too, then competing in Elite/Pro category for Xterra, and qualify for Xterra World Champs and ITU World Champs too. So this is how much I have to do this year, and they do expect me to qualify for it all for sure when they asked me what the chances are; I had to be very honest because the chances are there and high, especially with Xterra and ITU world champ. Sigh, I just hope I can make it.

My fee is still on an unstable platform because I still have not found a way out. My dad is asking me to write to Lady Boss again, which she already didn't my emails twice. I know she is ignoring me now, and I just don't feel like emailing her again because I don't find any point to push it hard when sponsors do not wish to sponsor again. My dad is telling me to do it, give it another shot, but I refuse to because I have appealed already and there was no response though dad is really hopeful she will. My dad really stress me up sometimes when he isn't helping at all, because I'm already trying to solve my problems but he's adding more pressure at the same time. Sigh, this is just so not helping.

Right, there is also this problem when I'm stressful I tend to let my frustration out on Sharon. I got no one else to talk my problems to because all my bestfriends are not around anymore, and Sharon is the closest person I got and whom I can trust only. I feel bad and guilty that I got her really upset at time like this, because I get out of control with all the problems around me. I tried to get hold of myself together, but I'm constantly on the edge of falling off from the cliff. It is tough to hang on but I just gotta hold on. I know Sharon has been mad and upset, but I know I can make it up to her when I overcome all my problems. I truly enjoy her companionship and most of all her caring, she just means so much to me and more than anything. But I hope I can pull this through so she won't have to suffer again, so do I. Sigh, so many things yet so little time.

Keepin' Faith II

2010-02-22T21:55:00.000-08:00

As each day passes by, I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulder gets heavier, and everything seems to be more tense. I just feel so tight up and packed up with the current problems I have, and it has gotten Sharon to worry so much that she is stress out about it too. I'm just feeling so bad about myself that I got her stress out too because of my problems, I ain't liking this and feeling damn guilty about it. With my frustration goin' around crazy in me, I got it angry on her as well which got her really upset too. I'm just feel so terrible about myself at the moment because nothing seems right.

Life just seems so a little fucked up at the moment, but I know I ain't the only one in the world having problems because alotta people out there are goin' through their own hard times too. So I just gotta do whatever it takes to make it up to mine, and so Sharon won't have to worry and stressing out no more. She doesn't deserve this because she is such a great girl that she deserves much better. Though I know she really cares deep inside and I really appreciate it so much because she ain't walking away and the only one left by my side.

My family has turn their backs on me, I just feel really upset about it because when I need help they are so cold hearted that I am to be ignored and not bothered. They may have been blinded by their own desire yet they have forgotten the good deeds I have for them as a son. It is just sad, though I am not blaming because there is no point but I am just watching it in sadness and sorrow. I am really now left on my own, and all day long all I could is to give my family a fake smile because I no longer who I am to them; just a perfect stranger. Sometimes I just feel I might as well be good as dead because it doesn't mean anything anymore to be in this family.

Now that my educational fund has been used up, I got no money left to continue my degree. My sponsor ain't too happy about how the fund was used up by my dad, so I guess she has decided not to allocate another sponsorship again. Study Loan has not gotten my name on the list, so I guess it is not approved. So financially, I am on no ground to continue my degree in Finance anymore though I really wanna get a degree for a better future. So I can kick my ass back to Shell and have a better job than I used to being a Technical Assistant instead. But I guess I can't do that without a Finance degree, it is just sad.

I gotta start looking into different directions, though it is a good thing, but at some point my triathlon career feels threaten too. I have gotten so far now into triathlon where I have always wanted to be, achieving and overcoming my goals are the pride and success I have and I still have more goals to go in my triathlon career. Yet, it is all in jeopardy now because of my current financial situation. This is just too hard to take because I worked it all up so hard for this 2 years ago; I could finally got a sponsorship to go back to study and get a degree, and at the same time allowing me to achieve higher in triathlon. Yet, all this seems to come to an end. All the hard work and effort, worth giving up? In my heart I feel very intense that I don't want everything that I have worked for to go wasted.

This is really a tough decision for me to make and take, because I know once I get back to work I won't be able to train full-time like I always do now. And, that would result in a drop of performance because you gotta keep both work and sport at a balance. I have done that for those working days I had; wake up at 4am just to go for a training, take a nap at lunch break or easy training at lunch break, then back to training again after work till late night. It is exhausting and resulted declines in performance because it just drains you mentally. I don't really wanna go through that anymore, because it definitely is not an option to take.

I just do not know what else to do now, as I am trying my best to get myself together as there is just too much upsets fro my family. And people just walk away when you have problems because nobody seems to cares, but I can't blame them as it is not their problem so why would they bother to involve anyway. Yet I am glad that I have Sharon and a few close friends to support me mentally and spiritually. I am not giving up on my study yet because I just hope that I can work it out financially as there is still hope, I just gotta put more effort to it. This is another challenging time in my life, I have survived it once and I do think and know that well enough I am a survivor of crisis and I can make it again this time. We are all born with problems and we just gotta learn to deal with it.

I do wish I can get outta here, get outta Malaysia, go somewhere else and start a new life. Though I have been hoping to go to America for a new life, as I have been searching for some sport scholarships. But it's hard because I still can't find any triathlon scholarships yet and it's all offered for traditional sport. The States is a good place to start a new life, the land of opportunity. I just wanna get outta here and never look back again, ever.

Oh well, I just gotta hope for the best and do whatever I can to get my ass into degree because I ain't gonna let people watch me burn. It's my life and I do what I want with it, and the future is mine as it is right in the palm of my hands. Nobody can take away what I have, as it is in God's will. My faith lies in God and my life, that's all there is in Me.

I was supposed to be very happy yesterday, Monday. Probably would be a happy day for me as I received a confirmation email from Tengku Nadia saying I will be competing in the ELITE/PRO Category at Xterra Malaysia, this is really something happy for me because I have always trying hard for it though I didn't get to make it to Maui last year. Having this pro card means a lot to me, as it doesn't matter if I win or lose because all that matters is what I am gonna overcome with the pros in the race. It's gonna be tough but I am liking it as there is just so much more to take. But I wanna thank Xterra for giving me this opportunity, because this is really a big deal for me. But I am too troubled with all the problems I have so I am feeling really numb at some point, just seem so clueless as well. Yet, at least I do have some motivation now to keep my triathlon career goin' with the pro card given, and I will do my best for it.

Well, I hope better days do come because the rain will stops and the sky gets cleared when the sunshines. This is life, we just gotta live with it as ain't got nothing comes easily just like that. We, all humans, gotta work for it to survive in this world we know.

Keepin' Faith

2010-02-19T00:16:00.000-08:00

It is time like this, a time on no man's land, where things do get tough...really tough! I gotta swing by myself right now, or perhaps all the while it has always been. Trouble comes and go in life, and all that we wish for is a peaceful where we could sit back and chill. Yet that ain't gonna last forever, because there's always gonna be twist and turn of faith.

And so, 2 years later my life got twisted again. Looking back for it all in the past 2 years, it was good and for real no doubt everything seem so fine. But then, 2 years ago was all the struggle I put through to have a better life. But then 2 years later, it all falls down again, when I was and where I was.

Geezz, it does feel tough and confuse. I'm tryin' to pull myself together and thinkin' right to get through all this again. I'm feeling lost at some point, like there is no directions comin' right up or anywhere to be seen. So here I am, writing whatever I have left to say from my heart.

Life does get really tough at times, especially when you have to make a decision for the best of both world; family and yourself. It's a tough split too, because it ain't gon' seem to get away. And, I just do not what to do. Yeah, people would say go with the flow and follow your heart...that works pretty well when you get hands on life easily when it's all provided.

Some might even say it's how you choose life to be or how you want it to be, but things get too perfect it always pushes you to the end of the edge where you got no more choices. That's exactly how I feel, standing on the edge waiting to fall or fly. Everybody wants to fly, because life is good when you're flying and soaring freely. Yet honestly, my heart says I should fall...take that fall and be a new man, learn from the pain and struggle through the worst because life is always easy when it was hard.

So I'm still asking myself, thinking to myself of everything that could be...I find no answers yet, because they are all lost. You know, this life that I know many people around would start telling you to make a fortune out of your life because that's how the world role. And, freedom comes with it when you got all the bucks to stack you up. But geezz...that could be so true sometimes when you're too reliable on it, because money just ain't everything. But for the fact is that's what you need to role and get a bread for a day to see another day, everybody is selfish about it because nobody gon' stand by you. So I'm taking that fall so hard that it leaves a mark on me and I'm gonna climb back on no matter how high the mountain gets.

I have walked through a journey in this life with many wonders, and they are perfect memories; so beautiful, so wonderful because they are what had made me who I am today. Yet, I guess I just gotta let go of it. It doesn't matter of what I have done and achieved; I appreciate them all, grateful about it, but things just gotta come to a stop because it is time to go. Nothing stays forever, because everything that has a beginning has an ending...and that ending is a start of something new, a rebirth.

I'm not too sure if I am gonna make the right decision because I'm still fighting hard to get through the fire, nobody wants to be burn alive as there is just so much pain and torture. But hey remember that scene in Harry Potter where the Phoenix was burn to ashes and rebirth into a whole new phoenix again? Now that's how life gets in between, there is this old one gives new one a better life and the new one just gonna leave for the old one to have a better one.

But it's all for real, it comes to a stand point in life when things just stood still and won't move; I just realized time has just stopped while I am writing this, and nothing seems to move.

So here I am taking a minute and listen to everything around me...

All that I hear is the whisper of the world, the world we live in; where we are born, and where we will die. Life takes its' hand on me, but I just gotta put right through. I love the old days, so much to miss; all the fun, the good times, ex-girlfriends, birthday parties, everything that made me who I am today...but all that gotta go. Perhaps, it is really time to take a new turn and remember the name.

Right now, I am right on the edge looking into the sky...wondering, wondering, wondering.

I do hear God who speaks to me for guidance, I appreciate it because all He has given is a blessed of love and peace.

Yet, I am still on that very edge thinking to myself...will I fly or fall?

That edge, that very edge that determines your fate. The reality just put your mask right on the ice, frozen with all the stingy pain of a million needles in the skin. Here you are wishing you have been dead an unborn to face all the cruelty given, because you feel forsaken.

Sigh, that's the only facial expression I have and nothing beats that. When I put on all the masks I have, I tend to fool everybody around me because no one the suffering beneath a gentle smile.

Life is tough now I admit, and I do wonder what to do. But all I know is with a little faith there comes hope, and with a little there comes life because everything will fall right back on place again once more.

It's funny how life is sometimes, just like a relationship, as it is like a equilibrium where you gotta keep an eye on it and make sure it balances. If not, everything's gonna fall right outta place.

I just hope I can make it through again this time, because I know I will. Life comes in challenges an obstacles, and part of me is loving it to get myself on test. Am I ready for it? Yeah, I am born ready and nothing is impossible.

2010 The New Road

2010-01-25T17:31:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, everyone! I know this is a very late post nevertheless 2010 is still fairly new in the month of January. I have not really spend much time writing and blogging as I have been busy networking in Facebook instead; but for now my networking has been to a greater stretch.

2009 has gone fairly quick, I hardly realize it myself as I was having a great year; lots of training, study and racing to do. I must I have been very impressed with the achievement in 2009; thank God for everything. Though there were a few struggles, yet they were valuable lessons and experiences to have been learn.

I am really happy with what I have achieved in 2009, it was perhaps the biggest in my life ever; after long 10 years in triathlon I finally made it up to world stage at Dextro Energy Gold Coast ITU Triathlon World Championships, Australia. Then unexpectedly I have also qualified to Xterra Maui World Championships. Being able to compete in both ITU and World Championships were what I have always wanted to achieve, and as it was the resolution for 2009 I have finally fulfilled a dream comes true.

As a child, I have always dream of becoming an triathlete at world stage. And, I guess having to achieve it in 2009 was clearly dreams do come true when you make it happen. I have never regretted for what I have achievement because it is an achievement of a lifetime where so much efforts and time were put into it, not to mention the sacrifices I have made for it. I really appreciate the supports from people around; sponsors, coaches and training mates, most all those who have been so caring and both mentally and spiritually supportive, you know who you are. I feel grateful to be blessed with such blessings and you can't replace anything with what you are able to achieve from our very own bare hands.

I finally graduated from Diploma of Business in 2009, it is really another achievement I have been able to pursue. I was never an A graded kid in class back in younger days, neither high school nor college. I have always been an average students because I never took the opportunity to push myself higher academically, and I failed my college studies in 2004 to be honest due to one unit which I couldn't get through, shame to say. But however, graduating from Diploma was really a big achievement because there was no failing in any units throughout the studies. I am just feeling so glad that my effort paid it off; I may seem like a guy who never studied or did any revision, but to be honest I spend large amount of time doing research and reading articles. Reading is always the key to anything, I just love to read because it helps you out so much than you can imagine and reading can take you to places you have never expected.

Love life of 2009? I think I would rather keep that as a little secret for you all to find out. It is a mystery of course, but nonetheless I am happy for my life. But the funny thing about relationships is how much it takes you to give in; the time, the commitment and the trust. I must say I may not be a very good lover as I claim myself one, but with a little faith and trust things do work out pretty well anyway. But seeing so many people having failures in relationships, so why bother to have one when you know you can't get one yet. I guess I'll just let the time flows by and DO try my very best the one that has been standing right in front and not behind.

So yes! I have made it in 2009, big head shots to all my goals and targets. Don't you just love it when you can achieve it? But I do love it yet I am not satisfied because there is always a room for improvement, always able to do better and take another step ahead to learn. This year, I am still gonna push myself even hard in triathlon, studies and career. Since I have already made it to world championships last year, this year my focus would be on getting to world championships again but to greater heights. And also, I would wanna qualify for both Commonwealth Games and Asian Games which I have been given the opportunity to qualify. This is really a great offer as living the Olympic Dreams is just really where my life is, and till that day comes is where I find my hero's welcome of the resting soul.

As for my study, I'm gonna continue with my degree and do hope for the best to get good results. I will try to be in the Dean's List, so I just gotta study even harder and can't afford to fool around. Besides, I have also thought of transferring my study to the US. I like US a lot and the education system over is really different, it is more practically important and critically pushes you to think even harder. I like to be push and challenge my skills beyond limits; US is what I need, and I do hope I can get there no doubt. I am still in the process to source out which college I can get to without any helps, it is not an easy task but I am gonna give it a try.

Career is something I have been always have as a professional triathlete, but perhaps there will be a little changes with side incomes. I just gotta find a part-time job for a side income to support myself finally in an extensive way, because relying on sponsorships is not an option where I rather finance myself without a burden. Then also to give myself a better comfortable personal life and a reserve for a better future.

Great, 2010 is looking good to me! No way than it feels better to take up challenges and step ahead with a fight. Bring it on 2010, what have you got? Because I got what it takes to live it up. Live life to the fullest and do whatever you can while you still can, because when you achieve it at the end of the day no one can take away that priceless moment of yours' and the pride and honor you have. So face it, life is full of fun...you just either gotta deal with it or get it!

by Jack Ho

25 Years

2009-10-22T10:35:00.001-07:00

25 years ago, I was just a little infant who just came out of a womb. My mother gave me my very life; I took my first breath and cried, and that's when the journey had began. A journey of a life that lives in the world of wonder, so many adventures and obstacles.

From an infant to a little kid who was trying to take a first leap of faith; learn to walk. That was the hardest thing any one of us could ever encounter, yet that was the very beginning of everything in life. That meant a lot, not just physically, but both mentally and spiritually in value. Something so simple, learning to walk a first step, can mean so much and yet it is something that we could hardly remember, as no one does remember their very own first step but it is only to be told as witnessed. My parents were happy to witness my first step as a child; a first step towards life, a step onto the world, and a first step into life.

Indeed, that was the beginning of everything; from walking to running, then from running to sprinting, and from sprinting to jumping. Amazingly, human nature can take its own course of nature to progress gradually and naturally. Yet, we learn to read and see things for ourselves; able to reason and differentiate the good and bad for us as taught to be. But not all were that way, yet I was lucky and blessed to be raised in a good manner in good faith and dignity.

Growing up as a kid; I was playful, kept many options to myself in all things that I could try. I had never stopped exploring, and most of all I had never stopped having fun according to my father. And according to my mum, I had never stopped eating too because I love foods. So perhaps, that was a very wonderful childhood of mine as being happy and active were the way to live for me. Yet, at that age I couldn't see the future but just to live as I wanted to be.

I remember, when my father first took me to the swimming pool when I was only 7...and that's when it all started, the passion for swimming. It felt good to play in the water, I loved it and I just wanted to stay in the water for as long as I could. That's how it is in human nature, we just love to do things that make us feel good or satisfied. So then, I took up swimming lesson and it became a sport to be a swimmer. But I was never too serious in swimming because as a kid I was still having fun a lot and never stop trying and venturing into other sports. And, I never questioned myself why I should stay to one sport instead of keep trying others. My father used to question and lecture me a lot regarding that, as he wanted me to focus well in swimming. But I just couldn't keep that virtue, as the urge to try new things in life was so strong that I couldn't resist...so, I have never bothered to stop trying over and over and over again, till these very days!

People always say how one person can be such a daydreamer in life that they do not live in reality. Yet, to me dreaming is a key to a start of something new; something that would carry you forward, or a step ahead into a new era. Dream enables you to see things that others do not see, dream tells you tales that others do not know off, and dream shows you the nonexistence into the existence. Then again, many people are tended to be blinded by reality because of the fact that there is a need to survive in this world. Survive? Survive as simple as it is, is just a word to describe what a human has to do to live in this world; in terms of the environment and the community or society they are in. Yet, that defines how carried away we can be when we are attracted to what is more important then ourselves, our very own life.

Some people find lives through what they do, some find it through what they can do, and some find it through how they can do. Perhaps, most individuals have their very own definition of this in their very own life. While here I am, I have my own as I have lived to tell a tale of my very own journey. I was once a dreamer; always dream of being somebody some day, always dream of achieving something some day, and always dream of getting somewhere or something some day. And however, those dreams were no longer fictional dreams when they have already become a reality in my life as I am the living dream, doing what I want and achieving what I want, living it the best I can to be what I want and whatever it takes all that can to catch a dream of my own; and that's my life, the dreamer of a living dream.

Living a dream was just a dream comes true, it is a reality to live as everything starts with nothing and become something. Believe it or not, spaces exist among us all and yet we do not intend to see it. When dream comes true, life gets interesting and it also progresses to the next level. As we grow older, we start to realize the importance of love; love of a soul, caring, partnership, passion and romance. Then, we started to become a soul searcher at some age and got deeply madly in love for the first time.

Being in love for the first time would be an unforgettable adventure for most of us; sadly, some people do end their lives for their first adventure, however I had mine with fun. From falling in love to falling out of love, from joy to pain, and from smile to tears; as dramatic as it could be, love comes in all forms of life. Yet, love is only a feeling of affection that surrounds every one of us. I am truly grateful for the love I have from my family and friends, and of course for the ones that I love and that I adore in my heart is highly appreciated too. And somehow, I just realized how much love I have around me and I am just never short of love in this world, especially the love of God to mankind himself.

For now, being the 25 and I only get to be 25 once, while looking back the past 25 years I am truly grateful for who I am today. Life today is just so wonderful as there were from the past as well. Today, I asked my mother "Mum, how was it like 25 years ago when I was born?" and she would never hesitate to recall the story over and over again. Today is the 25th time she told, as it is a story to be told once a year; a story of my birth. I love my mother, her love has given me so much in the past till presence. And to her having the first child was something truly wonderful 25 years ago; and to look at me now, I'm all grown up from a little infant 25 years ago. I was once relying on her and my father to teach me how to walk, now that I am on my own feet it is just so independent that I'm set freely in this world to live my life.

I love my life, as I love who I am for what I have become. Life has been a dream comes true in me, and life has been wonderful in me. 25 years of adventure and I'm still going, never stop living the passion that I have and never stop being the me that I have always been. Most of all, I have not stopped achieving what I wanna do in my life. 25 is only a number, what ahead is a greater future and everything is just gonna get better and better. Life comes in challenges remember, but I'm only human enough to do this because obstacles never fail for success, and to succeed is to learn from failure, and to learn from failure is to never give up. All that takes is just a little faith; a little faith that carries you through time. Time tells it all, all there is in life.

25 years of Jack; and here I am living the me that I am. Thank you all for the birthday wishes, I am truly grateful and pleased with your heart of warmth. May you be blessed in life and do whatever you do for the best that can be in your life...God Bless!

by Jack Ho

The Disappointment of a Sponsorship

2009-10-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

One month of life in Australia, it's been a great experience; and not to mention I have learn a lot this time. Competing at the ITU World Championship was not easy, as it's not some hanky-panky race that anyone can imagine. The Australian Uni Games was fun, totally something different than I expected. But after all, I had a great time along with all the challenges I overcame.

Besides, behind all these great times and achievements there has been the downside of it as well. And I never thought how terrible this is to me and others; it is a total disappointment. My trip was all funded by Curtin University of both Perth and Miri's campus, which I am grateful. But in the end, due to the delay of booking resulted under-budget as prices of flights and hotel increased closer to travel period. It was never expected that such a simple task can be delayed due to management's policy and procedures; likewise, it is said this is just another typical Malaysian culture.

So, by the time I was in Gold Coast for ITU World Champ the domestic flight tickets between Brisbane and Perth were still not being purchased. Initially I had already planned earlier to travel back to Perth for 2 weeks before Australian Uni Games, which the Uni Games was 2 weeks later after ITU World Championship. This was basically help to cut cost by not traveling back to Malaysia back and forth, as it would cost highly and timely too. So it was all included in the calculated and approved budget, and it was their responsibility to make all the necessary bookings and arrangements. Yet, the ticket to Perth was only purchased the day before the World Championship.

I was pretty stress out actually, I couldn't focus well in my race having to worry all the bookings were not done appropriately. I had to chase after emails and do all the follow-up by myself, and having to race at World Championship I needed to get my race arrangement done too. It was a totally hectic week the moment I arrived in Gold Coast, and I was not happy with the situation I had to encountered especially with the domestic flight issue.

And when they finally purchased the ticket to Perth, I felt a relief so I wouldn't have to get stuck in Gold Coast that weekend. But, they only purchased one way ticket and not both ways because they were short of RM$700. So verbally, they told me they would work it out next 2 weeks to get me back to Gold Coast for Uni Games. In the end, it turn out uglier than I expected.

The return ticket was costing at RM$2315, one way only, when both ways only cost RM$2400 and they didn't purchase it fully because there was a short of RM$700. And coincidently, the week before Australian Uni Games was Hari Raya which happen that most people were on leaves in Curtin Miri. So that meant nobody was gonna get me my flight; I got an email from one of them saying needed to wait till everybody is back to work by the following week after Hari Raya. I was so pissed, absolutely pissed, when I saw the email written that way because it was so clear before that the Australian Uni Games was the following week. Hence, I knew something fishy was wrong. Did they actually pay attention to my schedule written in the proposed budget and competition details? Were they trying to twist story and run away from the situation? Being irresponsible? But it got even more interesting as time went along.

So I typed and email to Curtin Perth's EAFU coordinator and Uni Games coordinator; I told them I had to make a decision that if Curtin Miri couldn't get me the flight back to Gold Coast I would have to forfeit from Uni Games and return to Miri from Perth by AirAsia. I personally did not have the money to afford the flight back to Brisbane, I only had the right amount to survive in Australia for a month. Then, I was called up to attend a meeting with the coordinators in Curtin Bentley which it got very interesting during the meeting.

Firstly, the coordinators were telling me there was no representation of Curtin at ITU World Championship because I was not wearing the cycling jersey given during the race and neither of Curtin appeared on my tri-suit, and the achievement I made was more likely a personal achievement; and the following they said since if I was gonna forfeit from the Uni Games, I have to refund the amount sponsored because out of 3 designated competitions (ITU World Champ, Ananconda Adventure Race, & Uni Games) I only competed one. So that statement really confused me at first; because they mentioned I did not represent Curtin at ITU World Champ and in the end said outta 3 competitions I only represented ONE (ITU World Championship) which I went speechless for a moment. The cycling jersey was clearly to be meant for the Uni Games because I was gonna compete in the Cycling event; which also to define "cycling" jersey is meant for "cycling" event, and not triathlon.

My thought was; how could I wear the cycling jersey at a triathlon world championship because ITU has a set of uniform rules. This is a triathlon world championship organised by International Triathlon Union (ITU), and they are very strict. Even on my tri-suit, very limited amount of spaces are given to allocate sponsor's representation and it's very costly to get the printings done which was not included in the budget. I was competing in my tri-suit from previous sponsorship, as Curtin only gave me a cycling jersey for the Uni Games, and I even wore that cycling jersey during the open ceremony.

So, what was the actual point of saying I did not represent Curtin at ITU World Championship? Just an excuse or reason to get the funded money back? You be the judge of that. Then, the coordinators suggested that I better get someone to help me out to get the flight ticket back to Brisbane and get Curtin Miri to reimburse upon return; which I could see no guaranteed.

So after the meeting, I typed an email back to Curtin Miri regarding the situation if I do not make it to Uni Games I had to refund the total amount funded back to Curtin Perth and yet there was no reply not until a week later when I was in Gold Coast where they mentioned Curtin Miri could not fund anymore and will only explain why when I return to Miri. So at the end, I had to request a help from a friend of mine to purchase a ticket back to Brisbane to get to Uni Games; which means I BORROWED money to do so, so I am in debt of RM$2315!!! I was shocked when I saw the email from Curtin Miri while I was in Gold Coast; my mood was just being ruined and had no motivation to race at all because having to be in debt is really a burden and pressure.

After the Uni Games, I came back to Miri and attended a meeting on Monday morning. And, I was even stunned by what were being mentioned; they did not see how competing in ITU World Championship is a representation for Curtin (same point mentioned as Curtin Perth), and did not know this race is included in the budget as Uni Games was the only designated race (Wow!!!). So I got even more confused and stunned this time by the fact that there has been a big twist and turn of story and also pretending. And, Curtin Miri could not reimburse the amount for the return flight ticket to Brisbane because there is no more budget and couldn't justify why I had to go to Perth. I was just too shocked, because during the previous meetings it was mentioned clearly that staying in Perth will help to cut cost and traveling time, which was being approved in the budget.

I am really disappointed with how things have turn out; before I traveled to Australia, the races were stated clearly in the budget and schedule details (ITU Triathlon World Championship and Australian Uni Games) which was being approved, and the coordinators even made numerous confirmations where it was all out in the press media too. Then now, I am being criticized at some point by using the issue where I did not wear the jersey during the race in ITU Triathlon World Championship. Even before I left for Australia, in numerous meetings these races were mentioned clearly that I was gonna compete and I even get well wishes from everyone. And now, how can they pretend that they do not know I was gonna compete at ITU World Championship? Again, everything was stated clearly in the budget and schedule before it got approved and if not I would have not received so much money to go to Australia.

It feels unfair and really disappointed, because I was not the only one who raced in ITU Triathlon World Championship from Curtin University. Andrew Tyack who was racing in the sprint category and did not wear the cycling jersey during the race as well, yet he wasn't being criticised. And furthermore, the Curtin newsletter was published today and where they congratulated Andrew for competing in ITU World Championships Sprint Category and Ananconda Adventure Race, while I did not get any words for competing in the ITU Triathlon World Championship Olympic Distance (742th overall over 2000 triathletes and Uni Games (18th Time Trial). Andrew and I are both funded by Curtin to compete at the 3 designated races; which are ITU Triathlon World Championship, Anaconda Adventure Race and Australian Uni Games. So both of us are equaled that we competed 2 out of 3; and yet, I was the one being criticized of competing at ITU Triathlon World Championship was a personal achievement and not a representation for Curtin. Then being left to be responsible for the cost of debt; just because they are out of budget and delayed all the bookings which put the troubles onto me by pushing the faults onto me as well. How irresponsible is that?

So now that I am in debt of RM$2315, which feels a burden to me and I gotta find a way to work this out as Curtin Miri wouldn't reimburse. After all these problems that I see of how they push problems and avoid the fact from one and another; it does tell me how unreliable this sponsorship is. I am totally disappointed, so as many. Should I continue to represent Curtin and still market the EAFU Program for them? I doubt it, as I am thinking twice because I do not wish other athletes to go through the same thing as I did. It is just terrible, as this has really distracted me from focusing from the races.

After all, who is it to blame? To many of you out there, you know who and I don't have to spill it out. This is my blog and I write whatever I want where this is a freedom to write and speak out my mind in my own writings, this is a disclaimer to all readers before someone tries to sue me over this.

Gold Coast ITU World Championships 2009 – Race Day

2009-09-16T00:21:00.000-07:00

Race day; it is the day that I have trained for, the day that I have been dreaming of, the day that I have been waiting to compete in for all my life in triathlon. I spent all my life swimming, cycling and running where it all came down to this very day, the biggest day of my life. I didn’t come here to lose or win, but I came to do my best with all that I have.

I woke up quite early in the morning to get myself ready for the race, as the bus shuttle leaves at 5am. Everyone seemed very nervous that morning in the bus; everyone was just keeping quiet and focused well ahead. So as I, kept my mind to my music and what will be ahead of me is a day of pride. I didn’t feel nervous for the first time in my life, never had I raced before in such mood as I always feel nervous and often had sleepless nights. But this time, it feels nothing and just plain freedom.

It was a very cold morning; I had to be in 3 layers of clothing to keep warm, but still cold I felt. So when I got to the transition area to get everything, as the sun came out, it was a good sign which was gonna be a good day. The ITU official announced the water temperature was 20˚C and so it had to be a wetsuit swim, I was feeling lucky with the wetsuit I bought.

The night before the race; I spoke to Kim and she told me about swimming and racing in wetsuit, the rush of lactic acid. I remember Kim told me how she felt during her race in the Commonwealth Games, it was in Gold Coast as well…the same condition. Then, I knew I was gonna encounter the same problems as she did back then.

I was never trained in wetsuit, and never wore one before. As I put on my wetsuit to get to the start, it felt really tight and hard to breathe as I could feel my chest was being tightened. But the water was too cold so I had no choice but to swim in the wetsuit. The start of my wave was at 8:20a.m; and everyone around me was really feeling intense, felt like a war in this age-group (25-29) as it is the toughest group. Yet I kept telling myself no matter what happens just go with the flow.

The sun was just right up ahead, shining brightly and could feel the wetsuit absorbing the heat which felt good. I took a few deep breath 30s into the race, as the clock ticks away I could feel the time has slowly die down…and slowly, I could not hear anything else but my breath and heartbeat. Nothing else matters now, slowly I felt alone in this world…and nothing on my shoulder.

“Hoooonnnnkkkk!” the race has kicked off as precise as the honk was sounded. We all ran into the water and with less than 10m the swim started. It was very crowded and everybody was struggling to swim away or over each other. The moment I got into the water, I could feel that coldness rushed into the skin of my face, hands and feet. And each breath I took felt icy cold, so I swam as fast as I could. In awhile, I could feel somebody touching my feet then the next minute hard kick into my eye where it was filled with water. So I quickly had it proper again in a matter of seconds. The 1500m swim felt really tough, as I was really struggling with the cold and the wetsuit. I was trying so hard to swim at race pace like how I did back in the tropics, but the more I try the stiffer it became. The cold just set in as distance per distance went by.

As I was approaching the end of the swim, it felt relief to get out of the cold. But I didn’t know what was gonna happen is the worst I would have ever experience; the moment I got out of water, I felt unstable as I ran towards the transition area. It took me about 15s to take my cap and goggle off, and I was struggling to get the wetsuit off as well as my hands were numbed. I wasn’t running straight into the transition area, I was running sideways instead. I felt very dizzy and I couldn’t see properly, I was breathing deeply and desperately for air. I found it difficult to coordinate where I was going, for awhile I couldn’t think right. I heard nothing but only my breathing, and as I was approaching my bike I nearly fell onto the ground as I couldn’t stand still. It was so dizzy that I couldn’t do anything right at that time, I was holding onto my bike in order not to fall to the ground as I know I would faint if I do so. I was gasping for more air to get my body back to normal.

When I finally got off from the wetsuit, it all felt much better when I was exiting with my bike into the 2nd leg. At that moment, I finally understood how lactic acid rushes in blood vessel feels like in the blood vein…first time I experienced this and it just felt so horrible. And I finally knew what Kim has to go through in her first world championship as well.

The bike leg was a non-drafting format, so it was like a time trial. I felt good and strong on the bike as soon as I recovered from the lactic acid rush. My legs felt fresh and I was going on a very consistent RPM, 35km/hr on average speed. But tough luck happened when I got caught in a group of about 40 triathletes. I almost knocked the corn on the road side so I eventually slowly moved myself out of that danger zone towards the right side. And, as I was riding outside and trying to get stable the ITU official was on the motorbike and chased after me. Then he gave me a whistle and shouted my number “1027 you are to stop right now by the penalty of drafting!” He gave me a yellow card luckily as a warning of the stop-and-go penalty. I was very pissed because of all the people in such a big group yet I was the one that get caught.

After I stop and jumped back onto the bike again, I was all alone again of course. But then, though the group was not too far away from me I heard the ITU official whistle at someone from the same group. I guess he was too busy calling people for drafting. Overall, I lost about 10mins from the bike leg and that’s a lot yet I feel grateful there was not a red card so at least I still finished the race without disqualification.

As I got off from the bike, my legs were still feeling as fresh as ever. I never felt like this before, but perhaps it is the cold weather here that didn’t get my body heated. When I got my shoes on and ran out of the transition area, I could hit race pace as soon as I was on the road. And, for the first time I ran a 15mins for 5km which I was really happy. But on the 2nd loop of the run, I was struggling with the cold again as I was wet from drinking water. That cold just really dragged me down; my hands were numbed again and my chest was feeling really cold. My legs started to feel the cold and it felt like getting stiffer, that was quite hard to run. So in the end, the run turn out to be a 41mins 10km where the loss time was around 6mins.

Throughout the race, I was basically struggling and battling against the cold. Now, I finally really understand how it feels like to race in cold climate. I finished the race with a time of 2hrs:26mins and placed 105th out of 115, and 742th out of more than 2000 triathletes from around the world. I know that many people back home do expect me to win this; but this is a world championship, it’s not any easy peasy race or fun race like what we have back in Malaysia as this is seriously a world championship that only the best gets to compete. Everybody is fit and strong in their own, and of course they take triathlon seriously and not just for fun. I saw many triathletes who are highly sponsored, and majority of them carried names of many. After all, it is one competitive field beyond anyone can ever imagine because you will only understand how it feels when you have done it.

First of all, I would like to thank my coach and a good friend, Ainsley Laing, who have always been helping all these years to achieve this and it would have been impossible without her. I would like to thank Curtin University of Technology Australia and Miri, Sarawak for their generous sponsorships, and also great thanks to the EAFU Program which gave me convenient to train even harder. And also, great thanks to Sarawak Triathlon Association, Awang Hashim, for giving me this chance to compete at world championship.

Truly, I have finally fulfilled my dream. It’s been a dream come true to compete here at world championship. It is the very day that I have dream of; from all the hard work I have made, all the tough times I’ve had in training, all the pain and struggle it is now worth living the life I have chosen. For my dream has come true, and doing what I do best in my life…this is my first world championship, and it is just the beginning of everything. Nothing is impossible, and you can do whatever you set your mind to.

by Jack Ho

Gold Coast ITU World Championships 2009 – Pre-Race Day

2009-09-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

The journey so far has been fun and exciting, never thought I could experience such a fantastic wonder here in Gold Coast. Ever since I arrived I feel just like home, or better than home. The air is fresh; weather is cold and nice, pollution-free and beautiful landscape.

It has been really cold since I got here, still not climatized yet till today. I began to worry the moment I touched down in Brisbane International Airport; and when I step outside the airport, it was indeed really cold. I got to the hotel around 11pm; the sight is beautiful around Brisbane and Gold Coast. I got my bike set up the very night I arrived so I could test out the bike course the very next day.

Surprisingly, I didn’t have jetlag though I woke up at 5:30 in the morning. When I woke up, the sky was bright as the sun was coming up from the pacific. I thought it was getting 7am but to look at the time it was only 5:30am. People were already started down by the beach here in Surfers Paradise, cyclists were cycling on the street, while runners were out running by the beach. Since I woke up so early, I took my bike out to go to Southport to test out the bike course; it was freezing cold the moment I got out of the hotel here in Surfers Paradise. While cycling I was shivering and my hands started to feel numb. Then I knew I am gonna be in some trouble on the race day.

The bike course was flat, so it was expected to be a fast and lot of attacks leg. So as the run, a flat course of 2 loops of 5km. People here were in singlets, t-shirts, flip-flops and short pants; and it’s so cold for me that I had to be in my thermal gears and long sleeve! Even running was difficult with the cold, I hardly sweat at all though I cycled and ran really hard.

I went down to the Festival Village on Thursday right after the bike course test-run to do my registration. Yes, I was really the only Malaysian on the list of more than 2000 competitors. After the registration, I went around to the expo area. I got myself some 2XU gears; I always like 2XU anyway. When I got to the Felt Bicycles booth, 2 bikes looked very familiar to me because I knew I have seen them on magazine and TV. Then, I slowly look around those 2 bikes and it happened to be Jan Frodeno and Emma Snowswill’s bikes; without hesitation I asked the salesman if those were their bikes. Yes, true enough there were their bikes. Jan Frodeno left it there for display so he could pick it up that afternoon and go for ride. His bike is huge, XL in size if not mistaken and it’s got all the customized paint job done along with 5 Olympics rings as he was the Gold Medalist. So as Emma’s bike yet hers’ is so much smaller (customized accordingly to her size) with colored purple Zipp Wheels. I was allowed to touch and take pictures with the bikes; it felt like a touch of the golden throne!

Avanti Bikes was the best to look at because they were using the Shimano Dura Di2; it is really the best gear now! I got to see it first hand and experience how it works. The shifting is truly 100% precision, no more cables, smaller shifters, and of course it is much more advance than you can imagine. After all, the Festival Village was great!

I tried to swim the next day, just to get a feel of the water before race day. But when I got into the water, it felt freezing cold and that’s when problem come…I couldn’t breathe! I tried to swim, yet I couldn’t even finish 25m. So I decided to get a wetsuit when I get my bike check-in at the transition area. I quickly went down to the expo area to get the wetsuit; 2XU was too expensive, so luckily BlueSeventy was having a clearance sale so I bought at AUD$199, an Ironman Edition. I tried on the wetsuit when I got back to the hotel after I checked-in my bike, it felt stiff yet the buoyancy was really fantastic. So I was confident enough that I could finish the race the very next day.

*Pictures are in my Facebook*

The Fallen Path

2009-06-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

The moment when I look back, it felt long...long enough to be forgotten how it was, how it felt, wisely all the memories were gone. The past has left a trail, a trail that I would never walk back where nothing else matters. I failed once, I failed twice, I failed more, yet I learned more and earned to be better.

Fair enough; perhaps the time has come again of all these very moments never thought love would reappear again, and float itself onto the surface of the oceanic paradise, and slowly drifted into the shore. I questioned myself numerous times, perhaps even more, yet I could not seem to answer the very questions that matter.

I was being left wondering once again, left nowhere but feeling lost and no direction to be seen. Yet, it has only been the very path I took of who I am. Till that day came, I met her...a her in the heart of soul which tells a tale of romance and love. Instantly, it felt just like how it was long ago. But this time, it feels even more different.

I could no longer describe them in words; actions have it all, eaten upon the moon slowly towards its 15th day. It was coming to a circumstances where the white mask has been thrown overboard again, nearly and closely to its avail. And so I did, walk with freedom towards a portal that set me to the nature of its course that called...love.

Indeed, my heart has been felt hollow for so long, so empty, the empty space as if it's been lost to another dimension unknown to mankind. Nothing has ever filled it up since God knows when, neither do I nor my soul remember. Yet, the judgmental figure of appearance has given stories that created the white mask. And, never been defeated in his league since then.

It felt tingle, a sudden static or movement felt deep within a heart. First thought death was coming from afar for a visit, second thought when the beat went tumbling up and down, and thirdly the warmth felt in the rush of a kind. Truly as she is, someone special indeed and never had an expected thought fallen into the path.

Lovely she holds in the smile, a little naughty in her way where the sun comes and shown happiness. Never have I met someone so special, special to the valleys and mountains beyond the imagine. Yet, what have that caused the the white mask to be unseen again, once more.

But then, it is the time when I realized if there is something more than meet the eyes, it's gotta be something that has unfold and filled the emptiness into a cold rainbow night. Wonderful sounds it may, or truthfully words to words from the very heart of mine.

Yet, a miracle has occurred itself in this very path. Quite a distinctive way must I portray, as true enough it has always been difficult to fall in love. Not that I'm demanding or higher profiling, but it is the fate of hearts that count in between.

Still I wonder, left with questions and thoughts of the soul. But determine as I shall be given a chance again to overcome such a wonderful manner; as she is just too special. A smile she has brought onto me never has anyone did, and foremost I enjoyed her company of laughters and joys in these very days of the horizon beyond the eyes' vision.

by Jacques Yvez

"Specially for Sharon; I've fallen for you...I love you"

The iron heart of a Woman

2009-06-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

Strong she is, effortlessly day in and out she worked tirelessly. Heavy rocks felt on her shoulder as she had to carry them through the pressure and stressful environment, it was never an easy task for a woman to handle.

Having to wake up in the early, or even days before she had to consume all the time and effort for a wonderful day. Paid off indeed it has, tirelessly it was never an easy task. To many, simplicity bear in all minds but the reality bites.

For a beauty to venture into one of a kind, it's truly an amazing talent to be well spoken off. A heart of courage and will were never meant to be found yet meant to be discover. A well hidden soul beneath such has once again being brought into the daylight, what was once unseen has been the reality that meets the eyes.

While venture; risky and filled hazards are part of the nature's call. Never a beauty would dream of a day that steps upon such adventure. How unimaginable it is when the impossible defines all that thought.

Under the scorching heat, she did what she could to assure no harms to anyone but pure excitement and what has be known to everyone a memorable day. A day that created history, a gratefulness to the pioneers.

Never expected to witness a smile of her's. amazing it is. Indeed it has brought onto a smile to me, simply indescribable with no words afar. Further than beyond the horizon one can see.

Truly it is, a thousand words tell it all the tale one needs to know and remember. Remember for whom they are and never have your thoughts be fooled to the lowest expectations. Be ware and warned, the heart of an iron will is great and dominant as one would never expect.

Yet, such will and courage have once been found again.

By Jacques Yvez

Xterra Malaysia 2009

2009-06-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

"Oh god, the rain is coming...", said Jack deep within his mind figuring that gloomy weather wasn't a good sign at all. Seconds later, heavy rain poured right after an average gradient slope with an easy climb. The cold droplets of rain water came pouring in like no other, without a doubt it felt good as heat was slowly being diminished.

Again, what was Jack thinking? "Oh no, it's raining. And...I can't handle the ride, damn!", for a moment Jack felt the difficulties coming as the ground started to become slippery.

"I better be careful, just like what Chris Lieto has advised not to crash", Jack reminded himself after the thought of Chris Lieto's wise advice given during a chat, and was indeed remembered well because Jack has always been someone to take advice seriously. Never a doubt, he spends no seconds away from paying attention to other things other than what is more crucial to his objectives.

It came to a thought, as it constantly popped out, where this was his very first Xterra and never before he had done this before, not even in biathlon. So Jack started to remember the days where he started mountain biking at the age of 15, those days were gone and never had it faded away from his mind. It felt just like how it was; the adrenaline and excitement, as if he was in a playground of his own, yet back to reality it was Xterra Malaysia.

Not long after the thought, it was time to bike into the oil palm plantation again. It was still raining heavily, the pouring sound of fights between cats and dogs were enough to shut the world. His Oakley began to fill with fog, and the trail became to alter into a slippery field. Then, the signboard appeared; remembering what Geoff has said during the briefing session, "Watch out for the caution sign which indicates the downhill section, and with 3 arrows". Knowing something was up ahead of him, in no time the slope began to descend as speed was picking up.

And moments later...

"Oh shit, fuckin' hell..." yelled as he falls to the ground, slamming his left wing onto the solid ground and slide downhill for a few seconds. The pain came at the very moment, yet it was a short while where it felt numb. Jack began to worry as he fell; it wasn't the concern of his body but the bike. Yet the bike was fine, so went on as he should...

Earlier before the race, it was a beautiful morning though it felt humid. Jack woke up at first, while Razani and Albert were still in bed. It was to Jack's surprise that he had a perfect sleep without a single wake, knowing his sleeping disorder didn't affect him would be what was gonna be a perfect day.

A day will be remembered by all.

When the sun was about to make its way through, Razani and Jack arrived at the race site just enough time to set up what the needs were. It was a good chat with fellow Sam Gardner, Scott Thorne, Mike Vine and Renata Burcher when Jack was lucky to line up together with them. Good old early morning English jokes set the mood for such a race. So as he has expected, the first Xterra Malaysia has indeed received good response internationally.

Jack pretty much enjoyed what was thought to be a tense environment but ended really friendly and fun. It was his first time meeting everyone whom he has known for years in Facebook and Pipot; Wendy (the most beautiful girl whom his ex-gf has always got jealous of), Elaine the bunny that goes happy-go-lucy in Facebook, Stupe (a fine gentlemen with great personality), not to mention Nadia whom Jack has just met seem really attractive after all among hundreds of women he could see that very morning, then of course there was Emma Bishop a fine lady with a beauty indescribable yet a woman of strong will and great spirit, Shazly the man who made it all possible to have Xterra in Malaysia and so as Geoff the coolest dude.

The transition area was a great set up, it was really according to the international standard, for awhile Jack could feel as if he was back in ITU triathlon format but no doubt he was in Xterra. Before Jack went into the sea for the warm up, he ran into this girl from MAS whom he had met the day before, Fiza, a really lovely lady with a great smile. As the very moment she appeared, that smile of her's really brought a beautiful day of butterflies and flowers flow in the air of freedom in love, perhaps. Fiza was there with her camera, there she had a little chit chat with Jack and caught a few shots of him in her camera. Hopefully she does keep a few pictures of him so she knows where to find, as both of them have agreed. Jack would definitely love to date her of course; such a fine and beautiful shall be missed not and yet be treasured and valued. Again, Jack hopes to see her again someday in the lake where he fishes.

So off Jack went to the sea for a warm up; the sea condition felt great and jellyfish has always been in his expectations, nonetheless it was in a pool or canal. The water felt good, and the current wasn't strong enough so the swim wouldn't be so tough. So as it was 8 o'clock, it started on time precisely. It was a great start and keeping it accordingly to the schedule was a great thing, thumbs up for the organizers!

Ahead into the swim, Jack ran into a beautiful jellyfish and left with love bites and kisses of lust, it felt great. Having used to train in the sea so often, Jack no longer felt jellyfish would come in his ways. Perhaps, it was just another kisses he always wanted which didn't stop him from swimming ahead. After the first lap in the second, he knew he was in the first pack with little swimmers ahead of him.

So when Jack jumped into the second lap, it was time to get close up and put in some speed. The swim leg was rather easy because the sea was calm and nothing difficult at all. Knowing the swim was smooth, yet what lies ahead in the bike leg could be a terror. As Jack jumped out of the water, he could hear Stupe announcing his name; for moment he felt proud to be a Mirian, but on second thought he's just another Malaysian. That ignorance was the only way to keep him focus in the race, nothing more should ever distract him.

When he was running into the transition, all that noises he could hear were shouting his name but not knowing who they were. Yet, he could feel Fiza was one of them. It took quite awhile to get out of the transition area, as he did not have his clip pedal with him. Jack was hopeful that he could finish the race in his running shoes.

Right after the first crash, it taught him a little lesson where he has to put more efforts into his technical skills. Yet, the bike leg has toasted him to waste 30mins as Jack could no longer go any faster after the first crash. Then, it came the second crash again as it was just too slippery. A decision had to be made in order to finish the race, and that’s when he remembered Chirs Lieto saying don’t crash and hammer on the climb. So Jack decided to take it easy on the bike leg, having to lose 30mins was a lot!

The last 5km was a killer, as Jack did not expect it to be the final path to the resort on the sandy beach. It was too soft to be ridden; the initial ride had let him wasted so much energy and putting all the efforts in were just too much of a waste for the run leg. People were cursing and yelling in that particular section as Jack could hear them out loud. But fair enough to Jack as this was Xterra, the more extreme it gets the better!

The transition into the run leg was fast; for a second Jack felt lucky to have his camelpack on and not to rely on water stations. As he went into the run…

“I didn’t come here to lose, I didn’t come here to win either…but I came here to finish, and not to give up”, said to himself in a soft voice.

Jack could feel the stiffness in his legs; it was tough as they were exhausted from the crash and sandy section. They cramped all of a sudden, though it was painful but it didn’t stop his running. From all the conditioning training he has underwent, adaptation is something Jack has learned most throughout his training regiment for ITU triathlon. And that same concept applied well for Xterra. Even with the cramp, Jack didn’t bother to stop running but just kept going forward. Not knowing what was pushing him through the pain, yet pain has always been pleasurable and delicious. It felt good to know the finishing line was too far from where he was, many bikini girls were by the beach having a good day. Not to mention he saw one nipple pop out as he was on the way the finishing line. And there it was, Xterra Malaysia 2009, the first race in Southeast Asia, and foremost it was Jack’s first ever Xterra. Finishinf 2nd in Age-Group 20 - 24 category, with a time of 3:07mins. Jack felt happy about it, and being the sixth guy outta swim was great.

It was indeed a great experience and fun; so many challenges came and made him a better person today. Knowing his weakness is the most important thing for improvement, having fear is the factor that gives a greater will and courage, and it is beliefs of self in the path to victory.

Once again, Xterra has marked its history making. Fantastic it was, extremely it was, and most of all the spirit of all competitors has it alive.

By Jacques Yvez

Upon the Soul

2009-04-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

A thousand horses marched in times afar,
A soul sailed in times to return,
Long after times have long kept in jar,
Love finds Him in kingdom's return.

Be gone has he for unknown,
Forgotten many has begun to unfold,
Yet slithers he amongst us,
Fear him not for He loves.

Slowly he will walk upon you,
In shadows of phantom wise he is,
Fear not for thirst of revenge in him,
Vengeance of Love colored world of times in Him.

Fear runs in land of love,
Ruins in the eyes of Love,
Diminish loves in all comes greater fear,
And shall him succeed in the vengeance of lust.

by Jacques Yvez

The Quality of Both

2009-04-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

What works without an opposite direction? There can be answers to this question in different angles, where as I will only fully compromise this answer to the application of love and hate. A thought came when a Christine described how much her love and hate for her father has come in distances, and yet it has given her a wonderful and truly meaningful life. What a lucky girl she is!

Love, what does that mean to you? Now, I have defined that in previous article last year, Love and Like, if have read you would probably remember. So again, love is the emotion of affection and it feels great indeed. But many have been shattered as well because overly blinded by their own desire of lust and love's betrayal. So when shattered, what comes next? Sadness? Anger? Devastation? Depression? And hate of course?

Well, these are what probably each and every one of us has gone through or everyone will have to go through anyway. As part of the growing process in life, certain stages must be encountered and fought. It is certain that it contributes to the life-learning journey of all to grow up to the real world.

So yes, Love and Hate cooperate effectively together, don't you think? Of course, people would often say nothing is ever perfectly good or bad but I say many are perfectly balanced. Perfectly balanced? Indeed, nothing would work without having some challenges and obstacles to overcome as to be better and further improve of course. Take a second to this thought...What would love be without hate? And what would hate be without love?

If love works completely without hate, do you think people will ever treasure or value each other even more? Or even without love, how do you counteract hate? Hence, hate would be far more devastating without love which comprehensively means more people will die through hatred. Of course, hate will not often resolve problems as it would just get bigger and bigger, so as love. When love is overwhelmed, it can be out of control as well which means loving crazily would be terrible enough to tear you apart from your own life.

Thus, the actions between love and hate work perfectly together as partners. By having to cooperate together in this bond, it comes in both ways. Perhaps, I should also mention that directions come in both too; left and right, or up and down, or forward or backward. Does it make sense now? It is the contrast of how it affects each other in the process of loving and hating.

Effectively, we will be able witness the consistent development of a situation. Likewise, when he loves her up to a level where he doesn’t seem to get enough spaces of his own life and constantly on the lookout for her. At the end when he is fed up, he would blame her for the lame forsaken life of his. Which, she wouldn’t like to be blamed of course and she would hate him for that. So tell yourself now, what do you see in this situation? What the outcome will be?

But in my assumption to this outcome is that of course they will break up if the quarrel is beyond their control, and matters do not resolve appropriately. Hence, both will be given time and space to restructure their own life. But throughout the process of restructuring, either one or both will realize the truth, the truth of anything within in the relationship which in the end contributes to the solution factors to resolve the issue (it doesn’t happen to all relationship).

Hence, you see the effects of love and hate together as a whole to accomplish an effective journey part of life. Being able to realize the truth would mean forgiveness and tolerance, and which is great for couples who are able to take it that way in order to further improve the relationship. So here is the good thing about love, it gives you comfort and warmth for you know you are being valued. And as for hate, it gives you anger and a trigger to know what the mistakes or negativity is which in the end helps you to be a better person.

That balance among love and hate are well dwelled within us, as we are humanly enough to carry out those emotions or behavior within us. It doesn’t only apply to love and hate, but so as many else such as happy and sad, sweet and bitter, light and darkness, honesty and lies, etc. But the foremost component that we all know is the right and wrong, as that is the crucial fundamental of the universe. Then again, right and wrong work well perfectly together as well where one belongs to another. Wouldn’t it be meaningless without another? Or perhaps I should ask it this way, what if either the male and female species exist without one and another?

Then, the counteractions of all would not exist in the world as we all know and live through today. So as the point to this article, I hope it is clear to you how the life circle revolves around us. It is part of us, every one of us; no one is able to escape the reality of truth. But yet, then till time comes when it is your turn to encounter such matter and it would be better you’re prepared rather than you’re not, because knowing what’s truth would always help you to walk further in a journey.

By Jacques Yvez

Diary #643

2009-04-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

Sunny Day

Today, I saw you. It has been a long time since I last saw you, and I never thought I would see you again. You were not too far away from me, then I saw you coming. I was delighted to see you, and I was indeed happy.

I wanted to greet you, I wanted to give you a smile, and I wanted to be your friend. Yet, you were too far from where I was. It was crowded and humid, I could see the lovely smile of yours but yet it wasn't me you were smiling at.

I was hiding, trying to run away from you. But I knew from time ago, I no longer exist in you. I was no one else but a stranger, and I was nothing else but invincible to you. Neither you could see me nor I could see you, perhaps it was a deal we made back then.

Again, I was happy to see you. I wish I could talk to you, and even take a smile from you...I really wish I could, and yet deep in me I couldn't. I denied, and I ignored for I assume you wouldn't, would you? I will not know the answer, neither you as well. But yet, I miss you.

I wish we can be friends again, nothing more but just friends. Even just a word would be good enough, I ask for nothing more. I'm sorry if you still hate me, but that hate has been long forgotten in me. I beg no mercy nor pity, but yet just a happy smile in you.

When you passed me by, I knew you were by my side. We both knew we're running away from something truthful, perhaps it is again a deal we made. I saw your eyes, though my eyes were hidden and never to be seen yet I lied. The moment you passed by...I smiled to you from my heart, and greeted you from my heart.

Your wavy hair was felt upon me, yet...I couldn't say a word to you. But yet, today you left me with a memory after 642 days which is I will never forget. It was truly pure I felt, and truly beautiful. However, I said to myself perhaps one day I shall tear the deal apart and venture to my guts. Would you ignore or accept? I wouldn't know.

What has passed is a past, and I no longer look back again at them for once. Only what's left of the happy still unfold at times when reminded. I truly had a great life in you, and yet I have even a greater life now. But don't be sorry nor angry, for I never blamed you as you did what you had to.

Yet, I really wandered of all these times. For who I was, I have given you tears and pain. For whom I was, I have given you joy and laughter. Yet in who I am today, if only I'm not Jacques Yvez...could it have been the same?

by Jacques Yvez

P/S: Syaza, may you be blessed for always...

Curtin's 10th Anniversary

2009-04-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago, when Curtin was first established in Miri, it was still a minor institution to be a start. They had a small campus down in Riam Road Secondary School without large number of students as well. But since then, it was a start of a promising future; a future for better education and a future for all students. It has been 10 years now, a decade.

Time has truly flown across a sky of stars. and a journey made upon so far has indeed shown constant birth of innovation. Currently, Curtin has its own campus and is still expanding. It takes time of course, but however as time goes by we will be able to witness the development of Curtin.

I am proud to be one of Curtin's students I must say, and it has been a great pleasure to study in Curtin. Lecturers have done really great job after by delivering the knowledge of the education to students, and the university itself has given a great environment for students.

Even though a decade may not be seen as long enough compare to other universities around the world, yet Curtin is consistently seeking chances and opportunities for itself to further improvement and development. No doubt that it is taking time and yet shall we all be the witness of this growing tree in Curtin will be from a fruitful day to a fruitful season.

Fair enough, students of course will always have the opportunity to pursue a future career, and that is a promise. Yet, students must take their own commitment and hardwork to a better level. Furthermore, whatever we are able to gain is what will be a future in our lives.

Happy Birthday Curtin!

by Jacques Yvez

Why not fair?

2009-04-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

I suddenly have a thought what is being called unfair, when a friend told me the world is never fair. So I decided to write something down about it, perhaps this would mean something more than just what kinda world we live in.

Fair, how can we justify it? What is to be fair and square? How do you see this? What is the fundamental? What shall be considered fair? And what's not? In what circumstances to define fairness? Wisdom? Justice? Rights?

Well, with what I have in mind in the circumstances revolved around me are what seems to be fair and unfair. Confuse, isn't it? Yes, this is the part where you should take not just a thought but a deep breath and then replace yourself into what is real. Real? Didn't I just mention the word "real"? So what is real to you? Something you can touch? Or can be seen? Felt? Tasted? Or perhaps even heard?

Think, take the time you need with no hurry. Breathe, breathe, breathe...and think, think, think! Breathe as you think, and think as you breathe. Yes, does it trigger a shot in your mind yet? Yes or no? Oh, I can't read your mind but it is up to you to decide. So, how would you decide? And that is when it is real...and really fair.

Why would I say that? You are still confused, aren't you? Finding bushes and indirections in this article? Certainly, you do as I am sure.

You see, what surrounds us are what have been created into the world by its very nature. And we, humans, who have been here long enough to be remembered are the beings that created a world that we all know today. The educations, technologies, histories, places, languages, foods, people, etc are what we have to define human beings. Of course, which I meant our doings as well.

So, still, what is fair and unfair? People would always say the world is always unfair. It doesn't matter what you do, it is never fair. No matter how much effort or courage you have, it will never be fair. And, why never? Why can't we take a chance to be fair? Is it because you may wanna say it is God who destined us to be? Or is it not? Well, it is in your intelligence to decide.

But then, why is the world never unfair? Why the blame? What is there to blame? The world is a place where human civilization settled in. We live together in this Earth, a place where we all called home. So why blame the world for the unfair? When the world is just a…place!

You see, what is not fair when you say it is unfair. It is our doings that make it unfair, it is the decision we make for it to be unfair. The key word would be selfishness, and every man for himself. Everything comes at a price as nothing comes easily, where you gotta earn it with your capability. Who gets a free lunch anyway? Every little idea gets to pay it off.

It is what we want and desire which have made to be unfair. We do what we do best to keep our own interest and sometimes without a doubt we will even have to sacrifice for one another, no one is capable of having everything. Thus, the unfair judgmental figure doesn’t just pop out by thinking…”Oh, it’s unfair that you won!”

Why not take a few seconds backward and give it a thought…so ask yourself, did you work hard for victory? Was it the best you got? Have you put enough effort for this? Sometimes, or most of the times I would say it is best to put yourself first before anyone else. What is the point of blaming someone else without troubleshooting your own weakness first? This is because if you start putting your blame on others without consciously realizing your own problem, it would be really embarrassing for others to actually lecture you about it. So give yourself a thought, before others do.

The of course, there are people out there who complicate matters to be unfair in order to preserve the interest within themselves. It is their ego, selfishness, and inconsideration to have caused what you may think is unfair. Of course, they would give reasons to ensure you’re able to fully comprehend the situation. But as a matter of fact, sometimes the truth may be hidden well enough to blind you at all. Thus, these reasons whatever they may be would be enough to cover up a trail of the mislead…but these are just excuses good enough to be précised as to protect their own interests.

However, what is unfair can be fair too “if” you have the courage to bring justice. Dare enough to pick a fight? Dare to take a punch or pain? It is up to you because it is never wrong to stand up for the rights and tear down the wrongs to shredded pieces scum of disgusting irritable trash. There is no point or a reason at all tolerating mercy to the wrongs, what is right must stand up for it is the righteousness of our beings to live in this world. There is nothing be afraid of when righteousness is what it all takes for a great sail. But yet, like I mentioned, it is up to you individuals out there. If you have the courage to get what is right to be done, then do it…but if you don’t, I would say you probably will be overrun in stampede by the wrongs for the rest of your life.

Hide or Stand? You decide.

By Jacques Yvez

Melody's Beauty

2009-04-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

The tender point in tune,
Plays along by soul of a gifted,
Gently heard from a soul,
With genuine smile brought in her,
Comes what yet lovely in Melody.

In every words appear through tune,
Rings a bell across by melody's fingers,
Exists in gifted sail of Her's,
Plays in each of she,
Where fantasy awaken in realm of melody,
Finds passion with her.

Feelings in motion of emotion,
Cloudly motions be there might,
Snowy motion of emotions,
Expression in emotions of cosy night's melody,
Where ears felt in tune,
Her's yet neither all but pure emotions.

The tranquility in Melody of Belle,
Seen in the eyes of Belle,
Truth lies at Heart of Belle,
Where Sun comes at hands of Belle,
Then shine of stars in Belle.

Yet then repulsiveness of hate and anger,
Fought truly in peave of love,
Carried through in carriage of Love,
In melody finds Kingdom at peace,
Again seems melody's beauty,
Of Belle at heart in Melody.

by Jacques Yvez

Conspiracy of Jacques Yvez

2009-03-26T05:43:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it has been a while since my little perfect life has settled down too quietly, not until somebody out there decided to take it out on the street again with all the yadi-yadi-yada. Let say, this time it is about my break up with Victoria, again. I'm indeed very interested to really know the truth about what has been happening or words that have been circling around though, as there have been too many stories created by hypocrites and clowns, which I have never bothered to listen so far. So today, I have decided to dig it out a little to actually know what is going on...and perhaps, it is to my surpise to know whom the hypo

I was surprise to find out that certain people (should I mention names?) actually made fun out of the break up, because obviously I was the one being dumped. But perhaps I was not being transparent enough that being dumped is a good thing at times, which only my very bestfriends know why and the very why it should happen. Firstly, I would like to invite my readers to take a good look in this matter because certainly I will not reveal certain truth (which only a few know about Jacques Yvez & The White Mask). Yes, certainly it seemed foolish indeed for a man like me who has been thrown over a bridge by a woman. But yet, I swam across the river to find another love has been waiting to grab my hand where she pulled me up and we walked away with wonderful smile.

You see, there is no trail being left behind for me to re-divert the course of this nature. Where, I set sail and approach harbors to seek new crews (most of you know what crews I described here) and yet there has always been the biggest fun of all. It didn't matter what has been said regarding my break up with Victoria as at certain stage it is I whom have not lose a single penny of lust, but yet it is those whom have fallen into a donation of a penny in lust. Yes, wise enough I am to clary myself as fair as judgment can be done. Nonetheless, a woman who is to feel uncomfortable shall approach in manner for appealing the truth well hidden within herself. She may have said awful or ridiculous words which fondle the ears of many, but indeed it is a hypocrisy I have never expected well.

"Yes yes yes...what a hypocrite you are indeed" say I.

Then of course, still, it doesn't matter what they have said for I have fulfilled my mission in accomplishment to my goals in the pit, what a strike! Those I celebrate shall be feasted upon my return of a journey, once again we shall share tales of common and never be told again. You and I both know how things work in the world of Le Masque Blanc.

Merci~!

by Jacques Yvez

A matter of choice

2009-03-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

In times of my life, I came across situations where it is always about making the right decision. It can be anything, just about anything that we all live through in this world. So here is a little tale of mine I would like to share, something truly wonderful I realize recently…or perhaps, a choice I made long ago before I knew it was already in me.

I became a triathlete in 2006, took it seriously as a career because I wanted to pursue my dream. I love multi-sports when I was a kid, I felt the thrill when I saw it on television so I told myself on day I would be one these multi-sports athletes. Of course, my dream came true as I put effort and time into it. So it has been 3 years down the road now being a triathlete; train, eat, sleep, and train again…the same thing over and over again every single day. I never got bored of it seriously, I just love it, and it has already become part of me. Perhaps, I should even say it has already become a lifestyle. I train alone, depending on no one else but myself, just like any other triathletes and ironmans around the world. Even though I have a coach, but still I have always been left to be independent because this is what triathlon is all about; achieving it by your own self!

A month ago when I was in Brunei, I rejoined the hash group like I used to back in 2003. There I met my old friends, and it is always good to see them. A friend of mine, Jaap, who is also a triathlete by hobby has been very successful too. He has competed in numerous triathlons and half-ironman as well. Jaap is a great guy to be honest, at his age he is considered to be pretty fast. So after the hash run, we all sat down for dinner in a café. That is when Jaap gave me a question that I thought no one would ever ask me. So finally, that question came and I have always been ready to answer.

“Jack, do you realize being a triathlete or ironman made you a selfish person?” asked Jaap.

I was in silence for a moment where everyone was looking at me.

“True enough, I do realize I have been over the years.” say I.

Hence, the discussion began on how triathlon has evolved our lives and made us what we are today. Jaap made a very critical point by saying “just because we train by ourselves everyday and not relying on anyone else, we have become more independent as we have to or otherwise we will not survive during races”. That was as true enough as I couldn’t agree any further, as I felt it within myself. And the independence within us have somehow transform into a selfishness as well, it gives us the power to be confident, firm, strong, courageous, brave, self-believe, and trust ourselves.

Yes, being a triathlete is never easy as overcoming many obstacles is always handed singularly. We do not depend on others; swim, bike, run…these 3 very disciplines have shown us how we have to overcome the difficulties we would encounter individually. We are constantly pushing ourselves through our limits, there is never enough as there is always room for improvement. When we are out there racing, there is no one to help us to finish or win the race but our own selves. There is no one to drag us while we swim in the rough seas, there is no one to block the strong head wind for us while we cycle, and there is no one to carry umbrella for us while we run under the cruel heat. Yet, to survive and finish the race is done by us alone.

It’s an agonizing task that we endure, as we want to. Swim 1500m, bike 40km, and run 10km in triathlon. Then swim 3.8km, bike 180.2km, and run 42.2km in ironman. That is what we do, that is what we want, and that is what we have in our life.

So from then onwards, I started to realize how selfish and independent I have become consciously. The reality is I only care about myself nowadays; my trainings, my nutrition, my life, my goals, my plan, my schedule, and that I am have become my very own top priority. Sometimes it even feels there is nothing else to bother but myself. In fact, I do not work well with others too as I believe in myself more than I do to anyone else, I just don’t trust others as I much as I trust myself. Jaap also pointed out he was also like that in his younger days and never really work well with his colleagues because he felt he could handle it all by himself and trust his himself more than he trust others. We did admit that it is a bad attitude, and there is certainly a need to change. But yet, still…it was a choice we made before we even knew what we got ourselves into.

You see, the thing is what you do changes you as a person because when what you do becomes a routine then in times it will become a habit. So as I point I see in myself, at first it was tough to be in triathlon and training full-time wasn’t easy. But the human body is capable of adaptation biologically so it has become a lifestyle since then, where I no longer find difficulties living through triathlon.

Then of course, my family has always been complaining about my selfishness at home. Indeed I am selfish, as each time I got home from training I would be tired and not bother to do anything else, where as my family never really understand how tiring it is to be a triathlete. And the independence I have at home is another world apart from my family where I don’t even share the same dinner as they do, of course the reason would I have to look after my own nutrition.

People always tell me that they don’t really have any choices because they think what they have is all they have got left. But that’s not true, because the world is a bigger than one can ever imagine. Everyone has choices, it’s either given or found, and never it is a must to be taken. I made my decision clear that I wanted to be a triathlete, and I never regretted though I have to go through all the hardship till today. And even that means having a hard time with my family, I still endure and try my best to make them understand.

Everything comes in a package of good and bad, there is a balance in that because it is given by nature to face its challenges by you. The good would be the reward, and the bad would be the learning outcome. Hanging in the balance of both gives you nothing but emptiness, so it’s critical to know what you know you want best for your life and never regret it because you gotta know and understand it well. This is to reassure yourself by not putting the blame on others once you have failed. Success does not come without failures of course, only determination and not giving up rewards you what you want at the end of the day.

See it or believe it because the decision you make will justify whom you are. It is not an option, yet it is a choice and that gives you the power to your own life. Directions come differently in life too, as shown in all roads that many signboards lead to different places. It doesn’t force you to take one direction but it gives you optional choices to choose from, where in the end it is up to you to decide where you wanna go. Don’t blame others for your choices for it is your own, because nobody can take away for what you are within your soul.

As I am what I am today, there have been good and bad through its time. I may have lost certain things but I have never regretted for making the decision when I was only 13. Today, I am proud to be a triathlete I must say. For what I have achieved, I’m glad I did and I’ve discovered my capabilities. For what I have failed, I’m grateful that I have learned my lessons and pursue to be better again. There is always time for changes, and it takes is just effort to make it better. I know I’m selfish, and I know I can get rid of this behavior which has affected my love ones. I’m not changing for them nor for myself, but it is for a better day where life can be brought to greater happiness and appreciation. Till then, I may achieve another great ordeal in life to tell another tale. What says you? Live it, or…do it!

By Jacques Yvez

Just someone cheating?

2009-03-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

We often hear people would say certain awful things during break ups, but most commonly known to many is the cheating. I wouldn’t define it as cheating clearly in this article, but to many people I have known would usually come forth to say he or she has been cheated.

Yes, firstly I would say cheating is disgraceful. Of course, it is always bad to cheat and tell lies in life. But then, how could you simply define cheating? Cheating as in? In what way would you simplify cheating rationally and logically? You see, the funny thing is communication is often complicated in relationships. As the fact is that certain matters would become sensitive in relationship and hence does not tolerate wider communicative barrier, it will all be restricted due to individual’s consideration, and perhaps manipulation to be considered too.

Now, in my passed experiences I was being called a liar in relationship because I was not telling or constantly updating my girlfriend about everything I do. Here is the catch, I was not telling because I didn’t think it was a need to as I was in no boot camp to report myself to any captain or colonel. Then of course, since I was already in a relationship then why not trust me. It was clear enough that my routine was already in brief and nearly where ever I went she knows where to find me, most likely there was a GPS tracking system beacon in me. You see, the reality is I wasn’t married or attached to her in full commitment. I’m still single till today, so that doesn’t mean when a person is in a relationship he or she must be in controlled in order to keep that trust in a strong bond. Of course, when I thought of this matter from my past I see it as a very immature relationship. At first I didn’t feel bother, but as the journey went on I felt it has become a burden and pressure instead. But I was really lucky that it is all over.

So my point is, not telling doesn’t mean cheating at all because everyone deserves to have their own privacy and secrets. Trust of course on the other hand is one of the most important features in relationship or as well as just about anything in human relation. Many people I came across would often define couple must always remain open sharing to each other unconditionally. But when I disagree with this in a way where I see every one of us, I would like mention this again, deserves a little privacy at least in our very own space. People deserve to be respected, treated nicely, and faithful. By respecting them, you give them stronger dignity. By treating them nicely, you get respect and kindness in return. By having faith in them, you will cherish more of your life together in happiness and joy.

Not all things work in just a way or one direction as we may think they do, but it all comes to the thinking and consideration that counts. Your boyfriend is out without telling you doesn’t he’s off to check on other girls. Your girlfriend is not talking to you tonight doesn’t mean she’s talking to some other guys. People need their own space and time to breathe and regenerate their own lives. Humans are no pet to anyone, though we are capable of killing our own species.

But still, we have emotions and bleed the same color of blood. Selfishness is always the major issue in all relationship, as they recreate the barrier to exile their own world to the real world. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may be the one you love, but loving is not about imprisonment somebody just because you think he or she belongs to you. Look, nobody belongs to anybody because it is priceless. He or she is with you is because of what love has brought both of you together, and not because you spent a 100 dollars on him or her and becomes yours forever. So let it free, everybody deserves freedom of their own right to do what they wish to. He wants to get a drink in the bar, let him be because he will be happy. She wants to hang out with her girls, let her be because she will feel more like a girl…trust, girls do feel the changes in them when they are too stuck with a guy for too long and that’s why they would become more aggressive and daring in arguments or conversations. You must allow that freedom in your life, as it is the essential key for yourself to see the world in a bigger picture too.

Even though you may wanna be the controller of everything, but it would be even worse for yourself rather than the person you control. Here is why; you become obsess, you become limited through your own personality, you become a narcissist, your ego grows even stronger, all the negativity starts to eat you alive, and sooner or later your life will be seen as nightmares by others. Or in other words, I should say you will most likely to be seen as a psychopath! Why does this happen? This is because it is your own choice that you made to develop that control or monitor. It is unhealthy for relationships to go that way, as many have ended in really awful manner.

So why not be more positive? Not telling is not a bad thing after all, it would be least of a worry sometimes. Even if you think you wanna share something, find the right time because you would wanna consider his or her life too. Cheating doesn’t come that cheap anyway, it is not something that everybody can do it takes large amount of effort too. Then of course, trust comes along in confidence too. People may feel insecure sometimes because they feel insecure about themselves and that is why they would start feeling insecure about the others, again that’s an egoistic thinking or mindset. So that is why it is important to have freedom to regain your own inspiration, motivation and concentration in your life. There is nothing guilty in opening yourself up to the world and breathe in fresh air. Don’t be scared by the fact that the world would be mean and harmful to you, because if you don’t try you will never know what’s good or bad.

So take some time and reconsider what is in your situation, take a break or a walk to feel what surrounds you. See the wonders in colours for they would colour your life too. Feel the rhythm of happiness for they bounce up and down in many ways. See yourself in 5 years time and save the answers to yourself, then recap of your current life and compare them. Perhaps you might even find what you need to restructure your current relationship to a better step. Trust your love one, he or she is with you for that very reason is the heart that matters. Don’t buy words too much as actions speak louder; give it a time and space, because at the end of the very you will discover more to words than what you think may be cheating…be smart ey!

by Jacques Yvez

Answer of Lies

2009-03-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

Recently, there have been many speculations and observations regarding matters of how everyone's life is getting affected from the economy crisis. Yet, beyond that there is always other stories to be told rather than just about devastation of financial matters and businesses, and so on.

I don't see how my life is getting affected by the world's ferocious problematic issues. Pretty still the same as I, triathlon and studies, and of course the very thing of the unknown lies the story of Love. I am most delighted for what I have achieved in my studies, I did my internship in Halliburton with a promising career in future, which nothing much to concern but yet to pursue further wise and firm decision indeed. Triathlon, the very sporting lifestyle I live through and defines my eternal life. For as long as I breathe I will never stop in a inch of this path I've taken.

For the past few weeks, I have been hidden and exiled in silence in order to restructure certain things that I have been going through. It could be anything from top to bottom that I see. Yes, for so long as I do know it was I that defines myself as a person. Live as a person I have, and looking back into the past I have somehow realised the changes and patterns of revolution in my life, interesting indeed. I wouldn't be too detail regarding this, as a concern of too long in the writing, so I'm just gonna move directly into one part which may seem interesting to me and you.

Here is another story to be told in the life of modesty, in the presence of a fairy tale once upon a time. Yes, I have been single for over a year and a half since the last break up with Syaza...then of course, some of you may know what happen after that too, no details follow. So came last year, 2008, a blessed year of joy and adventures! It was before Christmas that I met Victoire de l'amour, indeed truly it was wonderful to have met such a profound beauty. Neither I nor the girls could deny my description was beyond the imaginable. Of course, she was listed number in the list as many of you know. For I have to say she's indeed a great person I have came across once again, genuine interaction between the world of lust and freedom love have once more been torn apart. That somehow took away a soul that have dwelled well within me. I never regretted indeed for it is a decision made wisely for I have seem voyages in many sights of love.

Yes, Victoire and Yvez were happy. Most of you knew how wonderful it was, and then...it came the drama behind the scenes. Always remember, there will always be a balance of good and bad precisely as it would adjourned its destiny as it is directed to be. Of course, the problem was basically Victoire wasn't allow to see Yvez by the cold-hearted mother as to her Yvez is just another bad person. Yes, mentioned I have as many of you know how narcissist she was being a mother, the world has no longer been a better place than herself. Of course, the bond of love was strong enough to keep both's together. Right, there was nothing falsely to be accused of because we were doing righteousness and purely dating a positive manner's date! Furthermore, that was just one part that neither it bothered Yvez nor Victoire at heart...yet, it did bother her personally at heart.

So again, I would like to clarify this statement clearly that "In the consent of mankind's philosophy, Jacques Yvez is a man who would only date women younger than him and shall always at hands be pure and faithful to the life he has." and respect that for I do not seem to have caused trouble in you nor him nor her nor them. Not too long ago, after being apart for over month, the relationship finally ended with doubtful manners. You see, I dislike answers or matters that are being left in between a matter of right or wrong. Of course in my decision I would cut the line if I have to logically and rationally after precisely calculative measures. No doubt, Victoire was going through certain hardship to my knowledge and whatever is beyond that I have not see remain unknown, and best kept apart from me to as I do not wish to be confused again. Thus, on a night of silence...the relationship was being ended by a simply phone call made by myself courageously. It was clear that very night Victoire declared the relationship to be ended; firstly mentioned by her aunt that she no longer feels affection, and lastly she is stressed up by her studies. Of course, I took that well as being expected too. So as a legitimate gentleman, I respected her decision as it was wise enough for me to be set free once more, and also to her goodwill in considerations for what would be the best for both's. So again, clearly I was no longer listed in relationship which means I am always single as I would say. No hard feelings nor devastation, a little disappointment in some perspective and yet I took it well enough as a form of lesson. Then yet, our friendship still remains in good faith.

Hence, well enough I have been...then came a few days ago when hes aunt asked of what have I told to people who questioned regarding my relationship. Of course, for I shall not lie to my friends and not to my closest friends who value me more than diamond I have answered them honestly "I got dumped!" which seemed fair enough to put an answer to a question. But I was a little surprised when her aunt says "You shouldn't tell people that because you guys are only taking time off from the relationship" and I was speechless for a moment. I was thinking to myself, was me or Victoire that was not being clear and comprehensively of our situation back that night. Fair enough, the reality is the relationship ended in the initiation of Victoire's decision. So clear enough to me or everyone else that explain logically when 2 people are no longer in relationships, whether time of or space needed or time, it will always be considered a break up...because both are walking its way and apart. Even though if Victoire does wish to resume the relationship, it wouldn't be a problem too for I am not waiting neither herself and yet good faith will always come together.

For that I speak for myself that I am truly being honest to my life, and you my dearest readers. Yet, there are those scavengers who seek gossips and affairs negatively to jeopardize and ruin the life of others will always be ignored...you come in ways of harm, and yet I will come in ways of destruction to your's. Yes, for now I am freely as I am to be for that is my decision in life.

I see different alternatives and solutions to many matters and it is always the very wise decision that takes a good effort for a good or bad outcome. And perhaps, dating isn't a big sin after all when a life similar to mine in no controls shall always have the choice to be chose. Evangeline is avail in times afar, Jewell is seen after ages and rediscover her soul is eventually an ongoing hunt, Stephania has grown wiser to a beauty of lust, while Christine lives with laughter and joy for I could not deny her humor, Phoebe the innocent one meant no harm but goodwill, and Lynette meant certain manners of betrayal and lust. Still more to come for its countless measures are not to been seen and yet to be lived with. So long for I am here, there will tales of all that might be just what you have seek in the awakenings of a new day.

by Jacques Yvez

Greenpeace and World Rainforest Movement Misguided?

2009-03-13T07:24:00.000-07:00

Greenpeace and World Rainforest Movement Misguided?

Written by Ross Spencer

The International Carbon Action Partnership was formed by senior officials from the EU, 3 US States, Canada, Norway and New Zealand in Lisbon to fight climate change by building a global carbon market.

This brave and innovative scheme aims to add momentum towards low carbon economies by grouping countries and regions that cap and trade environmentally damaging CO2 emissions. The IACP intends to push for a worldwide marketplace that will allow cross-border trading in permits that are bought and sold like commodities.

Under the scheme, local authorities place an annual ceiling on CO2 emissions and issue “pollution permits” to companies, which can then buy and sell them.

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, who signed his country to the IACP said that the NGO is a “significant step forward” for the creation of a global carbon trading system that will be “fundamental in arresting and reversing climate change.”

In publishing data on CO2 Emissions per capita however, some interesting facts have emerged. Asia posted the second lowest emissions per capita of only 1.3 just above Africa (0.9) and below Latin America (2.1). Surprisingly, China which has often been touted as the second worst polluter after the USA, posted a low reading of 3.9 vis a vis Canada (17.0), Australia (18.4) whilst the USA posted a staggering reading of 19.6.

This calls the lie on the many claims made by such diverse organizations such as Greenpeace and the World Rainforest Movement who’ve made the rather tenuous claim that palm oil is responsible for the destruction of rainforest which makes it a major contributor to climate change! Deforestation Watch is perturbed by this development as any wild and unsubstantiated position papers such as these can only damage our cause in the long run as it will ultimately destroy the credibility of our movement!

Let’s take a look at the two offending Position Papers. Greenpeace Netherlands in a paper entitled “The Dutch Economic Contribution to Worldwide Deforestation and Forest Degradation” puts forth the rather convoluted argument that “in the period 1996 – 2000 Dutch economic activities contributed annually to about 14,000 ha of deforestation in Indonesia, compared to an annual contribution of about 12,000 ha in the period 2001 – 2005. The decline took place in spite of increasing palm oil and pulp imports from Indonesia, but because the increase of palm oil and pulp plantations has been less in this second period.” Jumping through verbal hoops, the paper then sought to show that in Malaysia “there are indications that deforestation has been strongest in the period of 1996- 2000 when the initial palm oil boom took place.” What the Paper fails to highlight is that deforestation has moderated in Malaysia somewhat in the last five years (from 2001-2005) despite the palm oil boom continuing unabated in that country!

The World Rainforest Movement in a recent paper curiously entitled “Oil Palm: From Cosmetics to Biodiesel – Colonization Lives On” seeks to paint a picture of indiscriminate clearing of forest land in Indonesia. Says the paper: “In Indonesia, nearly seven million hectares of forest had been approved for conversion to estate crop plantations by the end of 1997, and this land has almost certainly been cleared. But the area actually converted to oil palm plantations since 1985 is about 2.6 million hectares”, destined for export to feed the palm oil industries.”

What is most disconcerting is the Rainforest Movement’s confession of sort: “Indonesia has 10% of the world’s remaining tropical forests which are home to over 20,000 plant species – accounting for 10% of the planet’s total –, 12% of the world's mammal species and 17% of bird species, many of which are unique. The magnitude of this lush biodiversity can be pictured by the data that 25 acres of Borneo's rainforest were found to contain 700 tree species, equal to the total number of species for the whole of North America.” The confession? Indonesia is still rich in diversity and it is in the United States where bio-diversity is under serious threat!

Scraping the bottom of the barrel against Malaysia, the Paper attempts to paint a picture of indiscriminate clearing of traditional lands thus depriving the local indigenous tribes of their customary land. The paper describes a march on the office of the Deputy Chief Minister of Sabah by a coalition of indigenuous tribes: “Representatives of the Murut, the Kadazandusun, and the Rungus, and some 30 more tribes coming from the remote region of Tongod, traversed in July of this year northern Borneo to reach the gleaming office of Sabah’s Deputy Chief Minister of Land, Datuk Lajim Haji Ukin at the capital city of Kota Kinabalu.” Then the giveaway: “With the assistance of community support organizations, Wilster and others from Tongod are now trying a new strategy – they’ve filed a court case against the State and two plantation companies: Hup Seng Consolidated Berhad and Asiatic Development Berhad. The case is the first deliberate test of Sabah’s land tenure laws with regards to indigenous peoples.” In a land where indigenous people can file suit in court surely lays to waste the claims that such tribes are being deprived of their customary land with impunity!

What these papers tries to conceal (which is obviously un-concealable) is that palm oil is largely grown in Asia, Africa and Latin America, all 3 of which are continents with the LOWEST emission data per Capita of any place in the world! Deforestation Watch takes the view that such unwarranted and unjustified attacks against a commodity that is contributing to uplifting the economic and social wellbeing of the peoples in the palm oil belt can hardly be described as “colonization”. Rather than colonization, the growing of palm oil actually serves to liberate economically and uplift the peoples of the lands in which palm oil is cultivated!

- Reprinted with the kind consent of Deforestationwatch.org.

Reference:
Palm Oil Truth Foundation

Palm oil is a net source of CO2 emissions when produced on peatlands

2009-03-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

Palm oil is a net source of CO2 emissions when produced on peatlands
mongabay.com
December 17, 2007

"Solution" to global warming is worse than fossil fuels in terms of emissions. Study finds one ton of palm oil produced on peatland generates 15 to 70 tons of CO2.

Researchers have confirmed that converting peat forests for oil palm plantations results in a large net release of carbon dioxide, indicating industry claims that palm oil helps fight climate change are unfounded, at least when plantations are established in peatlands.

Performing life cycle analysis of land use change in tropical peatlands, Dr. Susan Page (University of Leicester) and colleagues working on the CARBOPEAT and RESTORPEAT projects found that drained, degraded, and converted peatlands are substantial net sources — not net sinks — of carbon dioxide (CO2). They measured annual CO2 emissions per hectare at 170 metric tons for oil palm plantations and 280 metric tons for acacia pulpwood plantations over the 25-year life cycle. By comparison, natural peat swamp — through tree growth and peat accumulation — acts as a carbon sink, accumulating at least 2.6 metric tons of CO2 per hectare per year. Extrapolating for the 420,000 hectares (ha) of oil palm plantations established on peatlands in Malaysia and 2,800,000 ha for Indonesia, the researchers estimate emissions of 3,220 million metric tons of CO2 over the 25-year lifecycle.

Logged peat forest in Kalimantan on the island of Borneo. Photo by Rhett Butler.
The researchers say that producing one ton of palm oil on peatland generates 15 to 70 tons of CO2 over 25 years as a result of forest conversion, peat decomposition and emission from fires associated with land clearance.

"Current land use and land practice developments in Southeast Asia give grave cause for concern. While deforestation rates in non-peatland areas are decreasing slightly owing to depletion of forest resources, those on peatlands have been rising for the last 20 years," said Page. "In 2005, 25% of all deforestation in Southeast Asia was on peatlands owing to demand for land on which to establish plantations. Current UNFCCC negotiations in Bali on reduced emissions from deforestation and degradation (REDD) could offer a crucial opportunity to reduce carbon emissions from tropical peatlands and thus contribute to combating global climate change."

Wetlands International, an NGO that has done extensive work on peatlands in southeast Asia, has found that protection and restoration of peatlands are among the most cost-effective options for slowing global warming, with initial investment at around 15 euro cents ($0.22) for every ton of avoided CO2 emissions. By comparison, carbon credits are presently trading at more than 26 euro ($34) per ton on European exchanges.

Page believes that governments should push peatlands conservation as a step towards cutting greenhouse gas emissions.

"The Government of Indonesia should regard its peatlands as a 'bank' because they are worth more as biodiversity and carbon stores than oil palm or pulp tree plantations," she explained. "As a first step it should rescind ALL concession licenses that have been (and still are being) granted for new plantations on its peatland, especially those granted by the decentralized local governments without carrying out Environmental Impact Assessments. It is clear with current rates of peatland conversion that the Indonesian Government cannot reduce its massive non-industrial CO2 emissions unless it stops plantation and other agricultural and industrial uses of its peatlands, and takes serious measures to protect the natural resource functions of biodiversity, carbon and water stores of the remaining peat swamp forests."

Reference:
MONGABAY

The Unfinished Letter

2009-02-24T17:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Scarlette,

Time tells a tale nor You and Me, whenever it is thought neither I could ever deny. Distant has come in ways between us, where I stood still in the very day. Love, lust, thoughts of you have reappeared in no time. Then again, across the valley and the very edge of mountaineous cliff I see horizon beyond imagined.

What's more? What's more to a world of peace and beauty? Where no beauty is as gorgeous as yours' in the kingdom of heavenly earth. Then, my heart shall never retrieve its visage of...

Love,
Andrew

Tagged by Melanie a.k.a Black Polka

2009-02-17T18:29:00.000-08:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I love to read and write.

2. I love conversations, as I am very talkative.

3. I am absolutely selfish, as independant as I am being a triathlete.

4. I have a good life in my very own choice, where happiness comes and peace shall stay. Yet, money makes no object to me for I believe life costs free.

5. I like girls, as I'm a male, love the opposite sex who have the Victoria's Secret features. Which are very rare in a way, yet, still I do meet certain of them.

6. I am a Darwinian, for I have views and opinions from different directions. Alternatives are what I like to hear, advices are what I like to consider, solutions are what I like to do.

7. I am very strong at my own point in my life. I live it the way I want, and the way that it's me. I represent myself, neither culture nor anything else.

8. I love to study, as reading is the key power to gain knowledge. Nothing else feels better, perhaps, when you're constantly progressing yourself.

9. I keep myself happy, smile, and positive. Why not? What's the point of choosing to be sad when you're able to be happy. So I'm an ignorant when it comes to sadness, where I would choose to light myself up and living life tot he fullest.

10. Problems? Yes, problems I love to deal with them. To me, it is a game to be played and you will the fun out of it.

11. Foods? European foods are my favourite, and I love spices.

12. Vodka is my most preferred, I love it. Its' sensational taste feels better than any other drinks.

13. I swim, I bike, I run...triathlon is my life, it's in my blood, and it is who I am.

14. I am named Jacques Yvez Casanova, by many. Then, it comes the signature value in my name which indicates the personality that I live.

15. I don't claim myself to be perfect, but I claim myself to be free.

16. I love myself, appreciate what I am and live it.

17. No girls can ever handle a guy like me, so far.

18. I am a passionate lover, filled with romance and affections. A caring heart I have, still I cares for many.

19. I only have a heart, the one and only, and only one girl is to stay...for she is Victoria.

20. I love kisses, for lips are sealed with thousand indescribable words..."A kiss of Tale"

21. I give affections, more than I take.

22. The infamous quote for a Casanova is..."Only true love makes them stay" by Melanie.

23. My heart remains truthful, faithful, and l'amour de passione.

24. Pain for Pleasure.

25. I love art, and most of all I love to be honest!

26. All the readers of my blog are tagged!

Articles 2009

2009-01-20T22:08:00.000-08:00

This year with a new experience from the past, I have decided to reshuffle and categorize a new form of articles in my blog. As it has been in 2008, most articles were based on the walks of life, concerning everyday's behaviour and encounters.

So as for this year, the key components will be slightly different as an approach to something new. Instead of focusing one components in an article, I've somehow have rejoined 2 critical keys together to form a directional components in articles. Hence, as I would say it will be certainly something more redefying and catchy.

As to put it up, the combinations are:

Emotions + Earth / Nature = X

Thus, with these combinations for 2009 I hope my articles will be much more inspiring and interesting.

By Jacques Yvez

Mi Pequeño Español

2009-01-20T17:49:00.000-08:00

Actualmente estoy en la oficina de blogs ahora, como tengo nada que hacer. Me desperté esta mañana en torno a finales de 7:30, y llegué a la oficina alrededor de 8 algo. Pero por suerte mi jefe está bien con él, porque aquí es muy flexible.

Estaba lloviendo mucho durante todo el día de ayer, y no pude hacer mi formación en todos después del trabajo. Así que me sentía muy aburrido en casa, y estaba viendo la televisión. Le di una llamada a Phoebe le dicen acerca de este sábado y también el plan que estoy volviendo el jueves por la noche después del trabajo, así que espero que vaya todo bien si no me sentiría realmente aburrido en Miri. Primera parada en la cena Fratini, y luego hacer un recorrido en el mercado de la noche de Año Nuevo chino. Será muy concurrido, sin embargo, pero al menos vamos a llegar a ver la cultura de la gente de Miri. Mi colega Roberto colega de Barcelona, España, será probablemente demasiado en Miri, si no tiene nada que hacer aquí en Brunei. Es aburrido, aunque en Brunei, por lo que al menos sería más divertido para él en Miri.

Extraño mucho mi amor, tienes que hablar con ella ayer por la noche por teléfono, como de costumbre. Quisiera llamar su cada noche sólo para oír su dulce voz amorosa. Pero fue muy divertido su burla en español, que siguió diciendo que era muy media. Gracias a Brian para que viva mi enseñanza mí, y tuve un buen momento de su burla. "Me gusta tu culo gran te", que es lo que le dijo, y así como "Su culo es dulce", pero fue muy divertido, porque aunque sabía que ella se sentiría vergüenza al respecto. Encanta cuando ella es muy tímida, porque simplemente sus mejillas rosadas su vez.

Voy a correr en la selva de hoy, en la tabla. Lo extraño mucho, como lo ha sido 5 años desde que salí de Brunei anteriormente. Así que voy a cumplir todos mis amigos de nuevo esta tarde, y sería genial ver. No puedo esperar a sentir la armonía de la naturaleza del flujo y el latido del corazón de la selva. Estoy tan va a encantar!

La vie de l'Amour

2009-01-19T21:52:00.000-08:00

Victoire, l'amour de ma vie, que j'ai rencontré il ya longtemps de ne pas trop en Novembre. Je me souviens encore très clairement la première fois que je l'ai rencontrée, elle était timide et convivial en dehors. Mais encore une fois, je n'ai jamais pensé que je tombe en amour pour elle car elle n'a jamais été dans mon esprit. Peut-être que le vieux dicton est bon, les choses se produisent quand ils sont moins attendus. Il a été plus d'un mois depuis que notre relation a commencé. Jusqu'ici tout va bien, bien sûr, et je me suis juré de ne pas répéter les erreurs stupides que j'ai fait dans le passé de ma vie.

Tout est nouveau dans ma vie maintenant, et il est toujours bon d'être comme une chance est donnée à redémarrer un nouveau voyage. Par conséquent, je suis vraiment heureux d'avoir dans ma vie de Victoria. Même si notre relation a été plus d'un mois encore, il estime, comme il a été là depuis des siècles. Nous avons passé beaucoup de temps ensemble, comme nous avons essayé de notre mieux pour voir les uns les autres, avant, elle doit retourner à Singapour pour ses études alors que je devais venir à Brunei pour le travail.

Le temps que nous avons passés ensemble ont été précieusement conservé et surtout très mémorable. En effet, ils sont, comme nous l'avons vécue à la meilleure possible. Le sentiment pour elle est juste différente car je n'ai jamais ressenti de cette façon avant pour une fille. Je l'aime vraiment beaucoup, mais encore avec tout ce que j'avais dans le passé, je suis une meilleure personne maintenant. Ainsi, je suis tout en chérissant la chance que j'ai pour elle...et, bien sûr, apprécier la très peu de choses.

Elle est une grande personne d'être fait, comme elle a un caractère unique qui ne peut se faire sentir et extrêmement difficile à décrire. Son amour est sincère en effet, pour tout ce que je sais que je suis tellement en amour avec elle. Ai-je la bonne pathétiquement crazy in love? Ou un fou d'amour? Pourtant, un homme qui est dans l'amour. Pour tout ce qu'elle peut être et qu'il est, mon amour pour elle restera pure et fidèle de tout mon coeur.

Bien que nous mai être éloigné exception pour l'instant, mais je reste, elle n'est pas lointain, après tout. Tous les jours, j'entends sa voix et il est tout aussi doux que jamais. Avec un peu de la bénédiction et la foi, je abattre un mur de la solitude dans un champ de l'amour et de joie.

Il ya des moments où j'ai peur de certaines questions qui affectent nos relations, comme ma propre personnalité et de ma vie. Mais encore, elle semble très acceptable, en quelque sorte. Avec la foi, je l'ai, je l'espère, rien ne changements si les choses tournent mal mai dans ce monde. Elle est la confiance qu'elle a en moi, que je ne vais pas les abus. Il est l'amour qu'elle a en moi, que je ne vais pas abandonner. L'honnêteté, l'engagement et la foi sont tout ce qu'il prend pour 2 coeurs ensemble comme un seul.

Après tout, le chemin à parcourir est encore long et attend un avenir meilleur. Pour tout ce que j'ai en moi et elle, le temps passe vite en nous voyons nulle part à l'autre de nouveau. Il a été le fait d'une grande en moi, je remercie Dieu pour une autre chance d'aimer à nouveau. La longue histoire du baiser attendu a été un rêve, une histoire de prince charmant et la princesse Sleepy Beauty, il est effectivement. Pour tout ce qui vient, l'amour prend un tout nouveau voyage loin que l'imagination de la mine.

Je t'aime, mon cher...pour toujours.

Par Jacques Yvez Charmmiel

The 3rd Week

2009-01-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

Finally, it's already the 3rd week into my industrial training. I'm now being placed in the Well Planning department; it is one of the most critically important departments of the Oil & Gas business. Drilling business is certainly good money, and easy money is some ways I would put it. You found the oil reservoir, and then you're called to drill. And how to drill and reach the oil reservoir? That's the job of Well Planning's department.

I must say, technology has loosened people’s lives in many ways. Can you imagine plotting a drilling plan manually? That is nearly the impossible task to be done, yet these software and technologies could do it all with zero mistake, as it is required to be exact and precise. Anyhow, I’m really enjoying myself learning all I can in this department…it is just great!

Chinese New Year is coming soon, and my boss was just telling me to take a few days off as many people will not be around for work next week. So I get a few days off to stay in Miri though. She is not around so I would feel quite bored without her, I’m just missing her so much, as she’s really lovely and adorable most of all. But no matter how far she is, I still feel she’s very close to my heart.

“O dearest soul of love, for you have come afar into me,
Shall not see yer may in the ocean,
Horizon seen endless for it will,
Neither the scenery of all brings the visage of mine,
When yet it lies in the very soul of us,
The beauty of yours stretches across the unknown,
For I feel and see,
With each breeze and wind swing across softly,
The very touch of mine,
Feel yer may in the very end…I love you.”

My training is great, tiring but great! I love my sport and it’s just feeling great to improve. Yet, I feel some pain in my right leg, at the calf’s muscles. I must have overdone it during the core power workout yesterday, not sure if I should continue with my long run later as I just missed out my lunch. I don’t really have the appetite today, all I feel is like working out and training even harder to reach my target. I know I can, and I’m doing it to make it there. There is nothing I can’t, for my mind sets me free beyond the limit of boundary.

By Jacques Yvez

Into the week

2009-01-13T19:07:00.000-08:00

It is the 2nd week into my industrial training now, and I've been learning alot in this company which contributes the powerful knowledge, not to just my studies, but also to my future career. Last week I was placed in the Service Planning department, which was great because I got to meet the clients in Brunei Shell. Then, currently I'm in the Operation Department learning all the key critical items that are used for drilling. Getting my hands dirty on those equipments have been challenging, as there are alot of engineering stuffs involve, but yet that doesn't stop me because I'm learning alot.

Two months in Brunei, sure it feels boring here but reminds me of my school days life back in St.Michael's. Life here is peaceful, calm, and harmonic. I like it in a way where there are not many distractions. So indeed, I'm able to focus even more in my triathlon training here. I'm currently focusing 110% on my running, it's been working great though may be tiring sometimes, but however I hope the result will be good in races.

I feel bored, very...just because I'm in Brunei, but as a matter of fact I do wish for something which is in the hope that time would pass quickly. She has just gone back to Singapore, and not seeing her for a day or two I'm already missing her tonnes. She's truly wonderful and beauitful, the soul of my very heart in every single breath that I take means the whole world to her. I love her and miss her very very much, but as it awaits where time will come and I shall see her very soon in March.

I have realised I have not written any articles in weeks or months. But that would not be gone for long as the presence of my writing will revive itseld again once more, in search of inspiration I have and trying to find the meaning of everything I've done. As soon as classes resume, my hands will once more play the melody of a piano which lies the words of my thoughts.

P.S: I miss you my dear, and I love you with my heart and soul for always.

The 2009

2009-01-08T19:56:00.001-08:00

A new year has come once again, 2009. As I can recall, 2008 has been a blessed and great year for me where many happiness and obstacles have played a big role in my life. But truly as it has been, 2008 has given me so much to be even a better person for the upcomings. After all that's left are just memory and history, where the journey ahead is still a long road home.

I'm intensely satisfied with what I have achieved in 2008's resolutions, most were achieved except for one. But then it is alright for there is still another year to try. Seen I have in 2008, done I have in 2008, and those are the most valuables in life that one can ever have are the experiences of everything you may go through. I thank God and my family for everything, if it hasn't been the existence of humanity then perhaps there wouldn't be a day of my existence.

2009 began as I have expected, it is a new year. Yes, everybody loves when it is new, new things are always in favoured by many of course. So as for this year, life has definitely changed a little from the past, or more, and truly adventurous as it will be.

I really hope this year I can achieve even better in triathlon to another higher level, and still continue to live the Olympic Dream where goals are up high and which defines the impossibles. Then of course, my study will be one of my major tagets too as I would like to perform even better than I can do, because possibilies and probability count as so then I would come with greater results level by level.

It is amazing how I found my love life in the very end of 2008, and it is something I have never felt before, so different. As for this year, I hope it will all go well as faith has taken its role. I love her and will always do truly from my heart, and that would mean I will be a very good boy for this year. I really miss her alot right now, as I am away from here. But nevertheless she is right her in my heart and never to be forgotten. The love of a pure brings the faith of two then comes the divine world of his and her's..."I love you".

Dreams do come true, and you just gotta keep living it, because I am the living dream. Hence, career wise I would also perform to my best and give it a shot, because if you don't try then you will never know.

It is always good to try something new and you will always gain experience each time you learn. Plus, that is just me as well because I'm a risk taker and always on the look out to learn and crave for more knowledges. The world is just an awesome place to be, love it or hate as we can only live long enough to see ourselves giving the best for each and every one of our own blood.

I am currently in Brunei and will be here for 2 months, because I am attached with Halliburton for industrial training. And it is only the first and so far I love the working environment, it is great and I'm learning alot. Like I said, the world is an awesome place and knowledge of its kind is just infinite. I'm really enjoying myself here, and at least it is very peaceful here in Brunei which also bring many school days memory back. Oh well, 2 months will be gone very quick and I will just have to treasure all the time I can have here.

Life is just great, when you think it is. So what is you thought? Take a minute or a moment, or all the time you need? Because you will also find something meanigful to yourself, and never regret it for it is your's. Love it? Well, I hope you do it for 2009.

By Jacques Yvez

Love of Hearts

2008-12-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

When the Sun rises above,
Comes a field of green,
With flowers and beauty,
Surrounded by Love.

Yet, when Two met,
It was a moment of Love,
When souls met,
There it was the Secrecy of Love.

Affections of Her's,
And tender loving of Him's,
Together as One,
May a Tale lives for one and another.

By Jacques Yvez

The Journey Afar

2008-12-25T20:12:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since the age of Casanova, and life has been interesting as well for a Casanova. Living in the very age of aristocracy and elegance, as well as lust and betrayal of love. But yet, all that has changed since the birth of a new era, a new direction, and most of all a new heart. I must say, it hasn’t been easy getting Casanova falling in love, as it has always been the toughest thing to do after all. Well, in a way, things do evolve in this universe according to its time and existence. So all the while, it has always been Casanova playing his games and deserving all the fun he could, and yet all that changed when He met Her.

It was another day of sunshine and smile for Casanova, and the thought of Victoria was just another memory of encounter. Yet, the very glimpse that caught Casanova’s heart was a Victorian’s Victoria Secrecy, a secrecy that Casanova has always feared most. Victoria stands a personality like no other, so far distant and powerful that a Casanova has no resistance, and unable to defend himself against the will of her power. Then of course, he had never thought he would fall in love for her. So as to himself being a Casanova, knowing the danger was there, he tried to barricade himself from being harmed.

As time went by, the bond between Casanova and Victoria has got closer than Casanova has never thought. Something felt different, where her secrecy slowly swallowed his heart. Then, amazingly Casanova could no longer defend himself against the truth. A truth that could change his life and shatter the curse of lust and betrayal, then comes the new existence of pure love in his heart. A pure love from Victoria’s Secret to savior him, and that was all it took to capture Casanova.

It was a night, a night that could no longer be forgotten when the story of a Princess turn a frog into Prince Charming. It was a wonderful story, a lovely story, yet a tale of romance. But then, it was yet only a night of confession where Casanova fell off from his horse. So then he waited, waited for the very next day of the return of the Princess, where a confession could be revealed too. As anxious as Casanova could be as he has lost himself against the Victoria’s Secrecy, the only moment he could be wishing for was the realm of Princess’s Kiss story tale.

It was an evening, a faithful evening as I recalled clearly. He took her hand, and she held it with warmth. Then, it was the very first kiss of all...a kiss that changed all. Then, it was the birth of Charmmiel. Since then, the enchanted tale of Charmmiel and Victoria has carry on...where it seems endless. With all the happy memory and affection at heart, together as they are and share love of purity and faithfulness, and most of all happiness. Charmmiel, Casanova has gone...somewhere in the midst of unknown.

But for now, it is the time of Charmmiel and Victoria’s Secrecy. Love, faith, and romance...a journey afar awaits for a tomorrow.

By Jacques Yvez